I want you to imagine that a man and a woman go on a date to the movies.
They pay for their tickets separately and as they go into the theater
they walk right past the past the concessions stand
straight into the movie theatre and sit down.
Now let's pretend that the woman
is really starting to feel put off
by this guy, instead of attracted to him.
She's feeling perturbed.
The reason for this
is that the man did not live up to her expectation.
Her expectation was that the man pay for the movie ticket
and also offer to buy her popcorn.
Not only did she expect something that was not communicated to the man,
because of the culture that she grew up in, she assumed
that this would be the expectation he had for himself
when he takes girls on dates.
We all have expectations.
These expectations may be conscious or subconscious.
In fact, most assumptions
and expectations are subconscious.
So what does this mean?
It means that you have expectations you know you have and
also ones that you don't know that you have.
To expect something is to believe with confidence that something will happen.
Expectation often implies the attitude that something should happen or should be a certain way.
To assume is to take something for granted or to suppose something is true,
even without having any proof.
Looking at that definition, can you see how often we all do this in our relationships?
Some of the expectations we have in relationships
may be healthy, and some may not.
For example,
it's an expectation that most people have in relationships
that they're treated well.
It's an expectation that our partner is going to
treat us how we would treat them.
And we assume that this is an expectation that other people have as well.
So when we don’t get treated well in a relationship,
and people don’t treat us like we would treat them, we feel disappointed.
Our expectations are set by previous experiences.
For example, things like the culture you grew up in,
what race you are,
your family attitudes, the religion you grew up with,
watching other relationships in your life,
the relationships other people had with you as children,
all of these experiences set up
what we expect in our relationships.
And because we
have this fabulous tendency of projecting our own sense of reality on other people,
we assume everyone is the same.
And they're not.
Just ask a multi racial couple.
A relationship with someone from another culture will show you really quick
just how different people’s expectations in a relationship can be.
There are two main reasons why we get into this conflict
regarding our expectations in relationships. The first is,
most of us aren't aware of what our expectations actually are.
We just end up upset
when someone doesn't meet them.
That's #1. #2 reason
is that our expectations often reflect our needs.
And most of us have grown up in a society where admitting to your needs is not ok.
And so instead of directly communicating
those needs or those expectations to the other person,
you essentially slip into having to manipulate
so as to get those needs met.
You're essentially
manipulating to get the reaction that
you want out of the other person. Or the behavior.
If you want to learn more about manipulation,
I want you to watch my video titled: Meet Your Needs.
In a relationship, we need to understand each other’s expectations.
And not assume that our expectations are the same and will be met.
Once we become aware of our expectations,
we must decide consciously if we want to maintain
those expectations or let them go
and then those expectations must be communicated to other people in our life.
One of the best things about getting upset
in a relationship, is it's a perfect opportunity
for you to discover what your subconscious
expectations in a relationship are.
Especially if you're disappointed.
I want you to ask yourself “What did I expect
in that circumstance and what assumptions did I make?"
Answer as brutally honestly as you can.
You can carry this practice into the present moment,
into the relationships that you're currently in.
Every time you get upset in a relationship
you can essentially use that as your perfect meditation bell
awakening you, "ding, ding, ding"
to the opportunity
to figure out one of your subconscious assumptions.
So the next time you get upset
I want you to ask yourself
"What is it in this circumstance that I'm expecting?"
and "What is it that I'm assuming?"
In a relationship, expecting and assuming,
even though it's what we all do, is kind of a form of cruelty
in our relationships.
I want you to imagine if today
I was to take you and plant you
in a culture that believed that shaking hands
was a threat. It meant you wanted to fight someone.
Now imagine no one communicated that to you.
So you walk straight up to the first person you meet,
put out their hand, shake their hand,
and you get punched in the face.
You're down on the floor, confused,
wondering why the hell that happened
and it's super unfair that they assumed you'd know better.
And yet, they did.
In a culture like that, because we love to project our reality over other people,
they would've assumed that you knew that a handshake
was in fact a threat. When to you,
it was just saying hello.
That's an example of an expectation
and an assumption.
And we do this same kind of thing in our relationships
all the time.
Because we tend to project our own sense of reality over other people,
we also tend to assume things about other
people without even taking to them
to confirm whether we are right or wrong.
For example, we assume that if we asked someone out on
a date, they would say no when in fact
they would say yes.
We assume someone is mad at us when really they are just busy.
This means that when you enter into a relationship
I want you to assume that this is
a brand new person with a brand
new experience, totally different expectations.
Maybe they don't know what you think they should know
about how to have a relationship.
Or how to be with people and how to be around you.
And I want you to make it a conscious decision
to try to figure out each other's subconscious expectations
and communicate those expectations to each other,
so it's very very clear what's expected in a relationship.
Some of these expectations will be the same
and some of them won't.
Anytime an expectation isn’t met by someone else you'll feel bad in a relationship.
So, get conscious of the expectations you have and get clear
about the assumptions you are making.
Make a list today of what you expect from each person
in your life and why you have those expectations.
And any time you get upset in a relationship,
use that upset to help you become aware
of what your expectations are,
what assumptions you're making,
then consciously choose whether you want to maintain those expectations
and keep those assumptions.
And then communicate
those results, and the whole process, if you can,
to the other person in the relationship.
Have a good week.