- Hi, my name is Aubrey Plaza,
and I am here with Buzzfeed to read your thirst tweets.
I'm just gonna say right now
that I think probably 90% of these
are gonna be people telling me they want me to run them over
with a car or like stomp on their face or something.
Let's do it.
(groovy music)
"If Aubrey Plaza actually reads thirst tweets
I will be burying myself alive."
I'm doing it.
So I hope that you're gonna bury yourself alive.
Miss Aubrey Plaza, are you free on Thursday,
because I am free on Thursday.
So if you wanna go out on Thursday when I am free,
that would be great because I am free on Thursday
and Thursdays when I'm free."
I'm not free on Thursday.
I'm free on never day.
"I wish Aubrey Plaza and Matthew Gray Gubler
were my birth parents.
Actually, no, I wish I was in a throuple with them."
I think you need to decide if you wanna be
in a throuple with your parents,
and that's something that you should talk to
your therapist about.
And I don't know who Matthew Gray Gray Gubler is.
I've never heard of that person in my life.
"Aubrey Plaza reading thirst tweets?
Let's bring back her drinking milk trough her nose,
because that was," H-O-T, all capitals, "hot."
Exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point.
First of all, I was snorting milk through my nose.
That wasn't drinking it through my nose.
And I don't have any milk right now.
So I'm not gonna do that.
"Aubrey Plaza, if you are listening,
please let me take you out on a date.
I am a good company.
I swear I'm not a sweaty person.
I will let you be mean."
Ooh, that's enticing.
That's really, um, yeah.
"Perfect threesome?" Question mark,
"me, Aubrey Plaza, and a tub of peanut butter."
That makes me feel weird.
"Sorry for being thirsty on main,
I'm just a huge (bleep) simp for Aubrey Plaza."
What is simp?
Why does everyone say simp?
What is this?
I don't understand.
Simp is the grossest word I've ever heard though.
I don't like saying it or reading it.
"Like this tweet if you would suck Aubrey Plaza's big toe,
and if you don't like this tweet, let me know
so I can block you."
That I like.
that is just nasty and I'm into it.
"I'm watching "Ingrid Goes West,"
and I just wanna say that I would like
both Aubrey Plaza and Elizabeth Olson to curb stomp me."
Okay, this is what I'm talking about.
I knew that most of these tweets
were gonna be about stomping on your face
or crushing you with high heels
or running you over with a car.
"Aubrey Plaza is so daddy.
She can fix all my daddy issues."
I don't know, that's just ironic.
I feel like I have daddy issues
and I feel like I want my daddy to fix my daddy issues.
But I'll be your daddy.
"I'd put myself on a spit roast for Aubrey Plaza."
Thank you so much.
"Kristen Stewart and Aubrey Plaza
step on my face challenge."
What is it about stepping on your face, people?
Twitter!
Why do you want me to step on your face?
How did we get to this point in the world?
"Aubrey Plaza hot sex gorgeous good acting
hilarious funny amazing person charitable busy,"
with the two S's, bussy?
"Bussy, amazing, sexy, pretty cute Emily the criminal."
That was a bot.
I think that was a bot and that was not a real person.
"I would walk into traffic for Aubrey Plaza.
I would sacrifice my first born for Aubrey Plaza.
I would let Aubrey Plaza kill me if she wanted to.
God, I would do anything just to smell her hair.
Aubrey Plaza is a goddess and no other human woman
will ever live up to her standard."
Again, thank you so much.
"The feminine urge to get railed by Aubrey Plaza"
(Aubrey chuckles)
Get railed!
Why do you guys want me to rail you?
'Cause I could.
"Aubrey Plaza could choke me to death
and I'd still be like 'nice.'"
The violence in these tweets.
I have nightmares about this (bleep).
People want me to be mean to them.
What did I do to deserve this?
I'm a nice person.
"I know everyone has a crush on Aubrey Plaza,
but I would actually let her stab me."
Again with the stabbing and the stomping and the chomping.
It's like a weird thing where it's like,
I hear this so much that I wanna stab you.
I want to stab you and I would.
"I would let,"
(sighs) Jesus!
"I would-" (laughs) (bleep)
(bleep) sick!
You are all sick.
You're sick little babies
and you all need to be stabbed and stomped on.
"I would let Aubrey Plaza poke my eyeball out with a fork
and step on my throat with boots with nails on them,
if it pleased her."
Well, you know what?
It does please me.
"Petition for Aubrey Plaza to plow me."
I support your petition, and I don't know
if we're gonna get there, but if we do, you're welcome.
"Aubrey Plaza, I am simply just a hole for you."
I- (laughs)
and I'm simply just a (bleep) I'm a person.
I'm a human being.
What do you want me to do to your holes?
Be more specific.
What do you want me to do to your holes, Twitter?
'Cause I will.
Anyway, I'm looking forward to more people
wanting me to stab them
and throw them into oncoming traffic.
I asked for this and I deserve this.
Check out my movie, "Emily the Criminal."
It's coming out in theaters.
You can sit in the theater
and imagine me stabbing your holes
and railing you with my goddamn talent.
(bleep) sick (bleep).
The thing is that I wanna be dominated.
That's the thing that y'all are missing
is that I wanna be slapped around and choked and stabbed,
but whatever.