[Voiceover] On the last spoof of Glee, Rachel finally stood up against her classmates.
F*** you b**** cuz I'm on Broadway!
This is so hot.
-Sadly it was just her imagination.
Quinn was cheating on Sam with Finn and Sam found out so Sam broke up with Quinn.
Why?
And that's what you missed on...
GLEE!
[Alarm rings]
Well, it's another sunny day, and I'm still the big man on campus.
No, seriously. I'm like the town hero right now.
Everyone like totally likes me. Woah!
All the girls want to date me and all the guys want to be me. It's awesome.
It's cool being back on top. It almost feels like...
[Kurt] Finn.
Oh yeah, I forgot. We live together. Yep lovely?
Are you done giving your inner monologue?
Yep.
Lovely. Someone sent you a letter. It's on the table.
People still send letters?
Apparently. Well, I'll be on my way. Blaine and I are due for a walking-down-the-hallway-holding-hands-in-slow-motion scene.
[Rachel] Oh right, yes, this is where I come in for a voiceover.
- I never get to do these things. It's usually just the guys who have the privilege of revealing their...
Rachel. Just read the letter.
- Right. Hmm.
- "Hello Finn we haven't spent that much time together, and I wish to amend that."
"Meet me in the audi..." - uh - "auditor..." - uh - "audi..."
- Sound it out, Finn.
"The audi...tor...", "audi..."
Aquarium?
- The f****** auditorium, Finn! "Meet me in the auditorium during lunch. Please."
I've got a bad feeling about this.
So, my little lumpsious lemon cake.
Barf.
How did you like that trip to the spa I sent you on this weekend? Was it relaxing?
Hey!
How may I help you ?
Bring me another run of the sliced cucumbers. They're delicious.
Ma'am, the cucumbers are meant to be placed over your eyes as you rest.
They're not meant to be eaten.
That's stupid.
Listen, you little brat. All you've done all day long is complain.
We have rules and you will abide by them whether you like it or not.
Got it, kid?
ARGG!
It was a splash.
Cool. Wait, does splash mean you had a good time or...
You're boring me Puckerman. Let's put those lips to good use and go make out.
Okay, you can do this Finn. It's just Rachel. It's just Rachel.
Rachel, are you here?
Um, how did the auditorium turn into a beach?
It's amazing how much the AV club can accomplish at this school.
It's romantic, don't you think?
What's going on here?
Like I told you in a letter, Finn, I want to spend time with you.
Okay, but here?
I might have something else planned. I actually have a song that maybe we could...
No, we're not doing the song thing, Rachel.
I don't want to sing and I don't want you to sing to me.
Now, how do I get out of here?
♪ Finn, I'm obsessed with Finn
♪ Every other word I say
♪ revolves around him
♪ And I can't give in
♪ to another
♪ It should be a sin -
♪ How I'm obsessed with Finn.
♪ Is it so wrong that I stalk his house?
♪ Wear a blouse with his face on it?
♪ Yes it's wrong. You're kind of freaking me out.
♪ I'm not that great. What's all this about?
♪ Can't you see I have no storyline without you?
♪ I know that's true
♪ But, bitch, what's wrong with you?
♪ Oh Finn. I'm obsessed with Finn.
♪ Every other word I say
♪ revolves around him.
♪ And I can't give in
♪ to another.
♪ It should be a sin -
♪ how I'm obsessed with...
[Finn] ♪ Why can't you just leave me alone? [Rachel] ♪ Finn. I'm obsessed with Finn.
♪ I'm sometimes a jerk to you.
♪ You can do better. I know you can. ♪ Every other word I say
♪ But it seems that you just... ♪ revolves around him. And I...
[Both] ♪ Can't give in
♪ to another.
♪ It should be a sin -
[Rachel] ♪ How I'm obsessed with Finn.
- Hey. - Hey.
How come you're not sitting with us at lunch today?
I just feel like being around a certain person right now.
- The lunch lady? - No.
- Artie. - That would be the person.
Do me a favor Britts - roll him off the Niagara Falls.
There's no way I can fly to Africa and be back in time for Spanish class.
Santana, we're supposed to be best friends. Forever. Through thick and chocolate.
I know. Britts. It's just... wait, chocolate?
We've had so many good times together.
Like remember that one time...?
- Hey. - Hey.
Brittany, that happened like literally 15 seconds ago.
It was a great moment.
So, how did the Finn-serenading go?
Horribly, but there's still hope. He still wants me; I could feel it. He just doesn't realize it yet.
You need help, girl.
No, I think her little obsession with her first true love is... cute.
Yes, cute...
...in a borderline psychotic kind of way.
Like I said, you need help girl.
Hey, isn't that Britney Spears?
Look, there's Miss Holliday!
Oh look, it's Carl the dentist!
We've had a lot of visitors this year, haven't we?
Okay, girls. It's come to my attention that you two bare some animosity towards each other.
I bear no animosity towards Quinn at all.
Thank you Rachel.
She's just a vixen out to steal my man!
Oh, please, he's not your man.
The hell he isn't! I'm not the one who...
Girls, please!
I'm holding this session to better your relationship, not hurt it.
Now, we're going to do a little exercise called roleplay.
Rachel, you'll be Quinn, and Quinn will be Rachel, and I want you two to act out how you perceive one another.
Brilliant. I'm an excellent actress. My depiction should be...
I really don't care sweetie. Just please begin.
- Right.
[Bad impression] Hello, I am Quinn.
That sounds nothing like me.
I thought it was a very good impersonation, thank you very much.
Just try again Rachel. Quinn, please don't interrupt.
Alright.
[As Quinn] Hello, I'm Quinn and I spend my days using and humiliating people to boost my popularity
cuz I'm a total b****.
[As Rachel] Well, I'm Rachel Berry and I love me some Finn!
Okay, when did I become grammatically inept?
[As Rachel] In fact, I love him so much, I'm stupid enough to get in Quinn's way
as she fights to become prom queen.
[As Quinn] My ego is so big the International Astronomical Union has officially claimed it a planet.
[As Rachel] Yeah? Well I...
- Is it so wrong?
Are you okay, Mrs...
Is it so wrong that I don't want my cherry to be popped by my sexy husband
because I secretly want to be with another guy
and I sometimes daydream about this other guy while making out with Carl?
Okay, what the...
I mean it's my virginity! There should be no claim to my f****** virginity!
Sometimes I just want to lock myself in the bedroom and finish this with my own devices.
Well girls, I think our time is up for today.
Why did you call the emergency meeting, Mr. Schue?
Uh, Mr Schue?
Oh, I'm sorry Tina. It's been so long since I've heard you talk, I almost forgot you had a voice.
Anyways, class, I'm holding this emergency meeting because I was told by Principal Figgins to play this tape for all of you.
We have breaking news.
Apparently, at a local restaurant, there's been a robbery.
However, this thief wasn't after money. They were after tater tots.
A pedestrian captured a video of them fleeing the scene.
Hey, you come back here with my tater tots!
Come back! Hey!
The female suspect had gotten away but luckily this woman was able to identify her.
She had these words to say about the capture.
Down with Will Schuester.
That atrocious thing he considers a hairdo is a hair-don't.
The suspect Mercedes Jones is currently in custody for resisting arrest and robbery.
Nice mug shot, Mercedes.