>> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN, Y'ALL.
RIGHT THERE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I'M VERY EXCITED.
TWO OF MY FAVORITE JOHNS ARE GOING TO BE ON HERE IN JUST A
LITTLE WHILE.
OBVIOUSLY, YOU'RE ONE OF THEM.
YOU'RE RIGHT OVER THERE, JON THE GREAT, TRULY A TREASURE, JOHN
TURTURRO IS GOING TO BE OUT HERE IN A WHILE.
AND FROM CNN, I'VE KNOWN THIS MAN FOR MANY YEARS, JOHN AVLON
WILL BE ON HERE.
JON, YOU KNOW WHAT I SAW ON SATURDAY NIGHT?
I SAW "THE MUSIC MAN."
RGHT DOWN THE STREET FROM HERE.
THE THING ABOUT IT-- ONE OF THE REASONS IT FELT SO GREAT TO SEE
THIS MUSICAL-- BY THE WAY, EVERYONE GO SEE THIS MUSICAL.
WE WOULD ALL BE HEALED AS A NATION IF WE ALL WENT TO SEE
THIS MUSICAL.
IT'S JUST TELLING YOU A GOOD STORY, TRYING TO MAKE YOU FEEL
GOOD.
BUT DO YOU KNOW, WE WERE IN THIS BUILDING ON AND OFF FOR-- HOW
LONG WERE WE OUT OF THIS BUILDING?
WE WERE OUT OF THE BUILDING FOR FIVE MONTHS, AND THEN IN THIS
BUILDING FOR ANOTHER 15 MONTHS IN A LITTLE ROOM.
AND I WAS IN MY OFFICE PART OF THE TIME.
AND I LOOKED OUT THE WINDOW, AND EVERY DAY I WOULD LOOK AT "THE
MUSIC MAN" MARQUEE RIGHT DOWN THE STREET.
THE ENTIRE WORLD SHUT DOWN TWO WEEKS BEFORE THEY WERE SUPPOSED
TO OPEN TWO YEARS AGO.
ASK THEY JUST OPENED ON FEBRUARY 10, SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
AND GOING TO SEE THAT REALLY FELT VERY HOPEFUL.
I THINK IT'S ONE OF THE REASONS THE ODD YEFNS SO LIT AND THE
CAST SO JOYFUL.
THEY FELT LIKE, OKAY, THIS WAS LIKE AN EMERGENCE, COMING OUT OF
HIBERNATION OR SOMETHING, AND I HOPE WE CAN ALL CELEBRATE IN
PUBLIC TOGETHER WITHOUT MASKS, HUGGING WITHOUT FEAR, SOON.
>> Jon: DEFINITELY.
DEFINITELY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Jon: DEFINITELY.
>> Stephen: THERE, I SAID IT.
WHERE DO I FIND THE COURAGE?
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW, YOU KNOW
I SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, COMBING THROUGH THE
DAY'S BIG STORIES, SELECTING THE FINEST NEWS TENORS AND THE
SILKIEST SOPRANOS.
THEN, I BRUSH UP ON THE WORKS OF CERVANTES AND FIND THE PERFECT
SWEET SPOT BETWEEN DRAMA, HUMOR, AND OPERA TO COMPOSE FOR YOU THE
TIMELESS AND SEDUCTIVE SPANISH ZARZUELA THAT IS MY
MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, I WAKE UP IN THE FREEZER OF A
COMBINATION TACO BELL AND PIZZA HUT ON THE EXPRESSWAY, I CUT A
PAIR OF LEG HOLES INTO A POTATO SACK AND RACE BAREFOOT INTO THE
CITY TO BREAK INTO AN ABANDONED DOLLAR STORE, WHERE I FASHION A
PAIR OF CASTANETS FROM DEFECTIVE CHATTERING TEETH TOYS.
THEN I DOWN A JERRY CAN FULL OF RED BULL AND COUGH MEDICINE
BEFORE STAGGERING INTO A PUBLIC PARK TO DISTURB TOURISTS WITH
THE DRIFTER'S FLAMENCO SHOWCASE OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
>> "MEANWHILE!"
>> Stephen: MEANWHILE ♪ OH, THE WELLS FARGO WAGON IS
COMING DOWN THE STREET ♪ MEANWHILE, SUPPLY CHAIN PROBLEMS
JUST GOT WORSE FOR CAR BUYERS, BECAUSE A CARGO SHIP FULL OF
LUXURY CARS IS ON FIRE AND ADRIFT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE
ATLANTIC.
SO EITHER A TERRIBLE INDUSTRIAL ACCIDENT, OR THEY'RE FILMING THE
NEW SEQUEL, "THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS: 2 WET 2 FLAMING."
AS FOR THE BUYERS OF THOSE AUTOS, PORSCHE SAYS THAT
CUSTOMERS WITH CARS ON BOARD THE BURNING SHIP ARE BEING CONTACTED
BY THEIR DEALERS.
I'D LOVE TO HEAR THAT CALL: >> "HELLO, MR. JOHNSON?
REMEMBER HOW YOU DECLINED THE PROTECTIVE UNDERCOATING?
I'VE GOT SOME BAD NEWS, BUDDY.
MEANWHILE, EVER SINCE "THE NEW YORK TIMES" BOUGHT WORDLE A FEW
WEEKS AGO, PLAYERS HAVE BEEN AFRAID THAT THE GAME WOULD
CHANGE, AND IT HAS, BECAUSE NOW THERE'S A SLEW OF AD TRACKING
TECH ON A GAME ONCE LAUDED FOR HAVING NONE AT ALL.
IN OTHER WORDS, WORDLE IS WATCHING YOU.
FINE, WHATEVER.
BUT IF IT'S WATCHING, CAN IT PITCH IN AND TELL ME IF THE
"O" ISN'T THE SECOND LETTER, BUT IT'S ALSO NOT THE THIRD LETTER,
HOW CAN IT NOT BE OCEAN?!
SAY SOMETHING!
( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, AN AUCTION HOUSE IN NEW YORK HAS A PIECE OF SPORTS
MEMORABILIA ON THE BLOCK: A CIGAR THAT MICHAEL JORDAN
SMOKED, WITH A STARTING BID OF $500.
IT'S LIKE THAT OLD SAYING, "ONE $500 TRASH."
MEANWHILE, A RACCOON FELL THROUGH THE CEILING INTO A
PACKED L.S.U. DINING HALL.
IN A TOTALLY UNRELATED STORY, TOMORROW'S DINING HALL SPECIAL
IS "CEILING MEAT JAMBALAYA."
CEILING MEAT.
( APPLAUSE )
EXCITED ABOUT TODAY BEING 2/22/22--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BECAUSE IT'S A PALINDROME!
AND THIS ONE IS ESPECIALLY RARE, BECAUSE IT LANDED ON A TUESDAY
AND IS, THEREFORE, BEING CALLED "TWOSDAY."
THE LAST TIME THIS HAPPENED WAS 400 YEARS AGO, IN 1622, WHEN
THEY CALLED IT "SATAN'S ALIGNMENT," AND EVERY VILLAGE
BURNT TWO REDHEADS TO SAVE THE CROPS.
( LAUGHTER )
FOLKS HAVE BEEN FOLLOWING NAMED "WORLD TWOSDAY" WITH THE MESSAGE
"LET'S MAKE IT A DAY OF TAKING CARE OF OURSELVES.
WHAT DO YOU DO TO MAKE IT A GOOD DAY FOR YOURSELF?
YOGA?
READING?
SEE A GOOD FRIEND?
SPENDING TIME IN NATURE?" ME, I'M GONNA GO HOME AND BINGE
"EUPHORIA" WHILE EATING AN ENTIRE KROGER SHEET CAKE.
OR, AS I CALL IT: "TUESDAY."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ THE WELLS FARGO WAGON IS A-COMING DOWN THE STREET ♪
WELL, IN HONOR OF TWOSDAY, TONIGHT'S "MEANWHILE" IS BROUGHT
TO YOU BY THE NUMBER 2!
AND WE HAVE A VERY SPECIAL GUEST.
COME ON OUT AND SAY HELLO TO EVERYBODY.
THE NUMBER 2, EVERYBODY.
>> WHOOOO!
ARE YOU READY TWO PARTAYYYYYYYY?!
GET IT?
TWO!
WHAT'S UP, STEVE!
LET'S LIGHT THIS CANDLE!
>> Stephen: WELL, HELLO, UH, 2.
YOU CERTAINLY DO SEEM TO BE ENJOYING THE DAY.
>> I'VE HAD 2 FIFTHS OF BOURBON, 2 BOTTLES OF ADDERALL I STOLE
FROM 2 DIFFERENT PHARMACIES, AND 2 LOVERS!
IT WAS 6 AND 9.
♪ CUZ, TONIGHT WE'RE GONNA PARTY LIKE IT'S 2-2-22 ♪
WHOO!
I WANNA FIST FIGHT A STOP SIGN!
>> Stephen: OKAY, THAT'S NOT THE TONE I WAS EXPECTING, NUMBER
2.
YOU'RE GOING PRETTY HARD THERE.
>> I AM GONNA MAKE THOSE PRUDES AT "SESAME STREET" REGRET FIRING
ME!
I HAVEN'T BEEN THIS BLASTED SINCE I HUNG WITH NUMBER 3 ON
MARCH 3, 1333.
WE STOLE AN OX CART AND CRASHED IT INTO A BLACKSMITH'S!
THAT CHICK IS SKETCH A.F.
STOLE MY BOYFRIEND.
DO NOT LEND HER MONEY.
MORE PILLS!
( APPLAUSE )
HER!
DO YOU THINK MAYBE YOU SHOULD TAKE IT EASY?
>> SHUT UP, STEVE!
THIS IS MY TIME!
YOU SAID IT YOURSELF.
THIS HASN'T HAPPENED SINCE THE 17th CENTURY.
I HAVEN'T GOTTEN LAID IN 400 YEARS!
ASK ME WHO IT WAS.
>> Stephen: LOOK, IT'S REALLY NONE OF MY--
>> GALILEO!
THAT TELESCOPE WASN'T THE ONLY THING THAT EXPANDS.
HE. WENT. TO. TOWN. ON. THIS.
WHOO!
>> Stephen: I'M GLAD YOU'RE HAVING FUN, 2, BUT I HEARD TODAY
IS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT SELF- CARE.
>> THIS IS SELF-CARE!
I'M CELEBRATING ME FOR ONCE!
MY NAME IS SYNONYMOUS WITH TAKING A DUMP, AND I COME SECOND
AT LITERALLY EVERYTHING!
WHY?
OH, BECAUSE OF YOU-KNOW-WHO.
( MOCKING )
YOU WERE BORN INTO IT!
SCREW HER!
LET'S MAKE OUT!
>> Stephen: NO, NO, NO THANK YOU.
>> THEN FIGHT ME!
I CAN'T B KILLED!
>> Stephen: THE NUMBER 2, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JOHN TURTURRO.
♪ ♪ ♪