-Welcome, everybody. Welcome, welcome, welcome to
"The Tonight Show."
You're here. You made it. Thank you for watching.
[ Cheering, whistling, and applause ]
Guys, I'm so excited about this --
Shawn Mendes is here and he is my --
[ Cheering and applause ] [ Rimshot ]
He is my cohost tonight.
[ Cheering and applause ]
That's right, Shawn Mendes is here
and like you've never seen him before --
with sleeves.
-Oh. -Yes.
[ Cheering and applause ]
Do you guys know that Shawn was born in Canada?
-Yes! [ Cheering and applause ]
-Now I'm trying to figure out,
did he really want to be here
or was he just too polite to say no?
[ Laughter ] I don't know.
Let's get to some news. I read that Amazon stock
just crashed after the company reported
a loss of nearly $4 billion.
-Wow. -Yeah, Amazon stock is crashing.
Netflix stock is crashing.
Right now, everyone who invested in Beanie Babies
is like, "Well, well, well, who's the financial
[ Laughter and applause ] genius now?"
But this should help business -- once the bad news broke,
Amazon executives spent the night getting drunk
and ordering stuff off of Amazon, so there you go.
[ Cheering and applause ] Go right back up.
Right now, Jeff Bezos is so stressed,
his hair grew in and then fell out again.
It's just unbelievable. [ Laughter ]
Yeah, it's a tough day for Bezos
because his net worth shrunk by $13 billion.
[ Awws ]
[ Laughter ]
We'll be sending around a basket for collections.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, his network shrunk by $13 billion
and, due to cold weather,
his rocket shrunk three inches.
It's terrible. -Whoa!
[ Laughter and oohs ] -Worse. -Whoa!
Oh! Oh!
Some more business news -- I saw that, last year,
Subway closed more than 1,000 locations in the U.S.
[ Awws ]
One thousand stores is a lot.
That's over 50,000 footlongs of retail space.
[ Laughter ]
It's kind of annoying because the stores are gone,
but the smell of nine-grain honey oat bread still remains.
[ Laughter ]
Well, get this -- Snapple announced
that it's going to rebrand its diet Snapple drinks
as Snapple Zero Sugar.
But don't worry. It'll still taste like
the drink you've never tried.
[ Laughter ]
Diet -- No, I'm going to get the Peach.
[ Laughter ]
Some entertainment news --
Tom Cruise has revealed that the title
of "Mission: Impossible 7" will be
"Mission: Impossible -- Dead Reckoning Part One."
[ Oohs ]
So far, the impossible mission is
fitting that entire title on a marquee.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, that's a long title. Right now, our movie titles
are starting to look like the poster for Coachella.
[ Laughter, cheering, and applause ]
Oh, my --
[ Cacophony of cheering and applause ]
[ Rimshot ]
This is --
[ Laughs ]
Wow! Shawn Mendes, everybody.
[ Cheering and applause ]
Oh, my goodness.
Wow! Wow! Shawn Mendes,
you're young, you're talented,
you're good-looking.
It is like --
It's like looking into a mirror.
[ Laughter ]
-I feel differently. -Yeah.
[ Laughter ] Hey, you want to try some monologue jokes?
-Yeah, sure. Let's do it, guys.
Well, I heard that, this year, New York City is getting
60 new electric buses.
-Yeah, electric buses.
Or, as they're also known,
subways.
[ Laughter ] How about this one?
Try this one. -Yeah, hey, I saw that a new poll said
that every average American
sets four different alarms to wake up in the morning.
Did you know that? -Yeah. No, I didn't know.
The poll also found that the average person's spouse says,
"If that goes off a fifth time, we're getting a divorce."
[ Laughter ] -Yep. Four alarms. Everyone's like,
"We don't know why we're so tired,"
when they went back scrolling TikTok 'til 3:00 am.
Yeah, of course. That's what we all do.
[ Laughter and applause ] Listen to this --
a professional soccer player in England
is missing a game tomorrow
because he got a cotton swab stuck in his ear.
[ Laughter ]
-Johnson & Johnson's like,
"Can we have one good day
of PR? -"Please."
-Just one?" I mean, he could remove the Q-Tip,
but he's not allowed.
No hands.
[ Laughter ]
-Yeah, you're right, yeah.
No one knows what to do
because it's the first time
a soccer player has had an injury that's real.
[ Laughter and oohs ] Oh, stop it.
Hey! Oh, hey!
[ Cymbals crash ] Shawn Mendes is here. Don't do this!
Don't do this to me in front of Shawn Mendes.
[ Laughter ]
We had a deal.
[ Laughter ]
Finally, a high school teacher
in California was arrested
after she was allegedly caught drunk in the classroom.
-Yeah. Drunk while teaching, or, as parents call that,
homeschooling. -That's correct.
[ Cheering and applause ] We have a great show tonight.