Would you like to be able to eat your favorite foods
and still lose weight?
Well, if you buy my pattented diet program membership
or diet app or pre-packeged diet food thing
or whatever diety diet diet stuff
I 'll tell you that you can and you 'll believe me.
Hi, I' m Roger and you 're going to pay me
to help you lose body mass for a brief period of time
in an unhealthy way just to gain it all back
and then you 'll pay me to do it again!
Don't believe me?
Talk to our celebrity spokesperson
from a TV show that was big in the 90's.
She was once an icon
but society doesn't embrace ageing
so now her job is to get smaller in size, right?
Hi! I was a famous person in the past
and now I get paid $33,000 per pound I lose
to say things like "I love and use this product"
I LOVE AND USE THIS PRODUCT!
Hmm! Chemicals!
Wonderful. Just wonderful!
You see, the average celebrity who we hire
to lose weight with our programm
makes between 500,000 and 3 million dollars
for depleting fat using our programm.
What a great gig!
Next fast food companies will glom on to whatever
new eating habits we' re selling to you.
Gluten-free , low carb, you name it!
Like this average Joe,
who only ate sandwiches for three years.
Fast food will claim to be on board the diet train thanks to him
It wasn't that product that made him too small to fit into his pants.
He just stop eating unhealthy amounts of food.
Τechnically, you can stuff any amount of edible items into your talkhole
as long as you limit it.
But it won't make you healthy.
and the sandwich company doesn't care.
They 'll market the crap out of his shrinkage
unless he reveals he 's a skeezebag.
Then they 'll drop him faster than you can say
"It's not healthy to lose that amount of weight
that quickly just by eating sandwiches."
Anyway, beat it monster.
But if these celebs and average Joes
don't do it for you
we 'll just shame you,
shame you for ingesting anything
it's outside of our program.
Because that's being bad, naughty,
or unhealthy
But if you eat my fat-free sugary chocolate-covered
stale puffed rice snack bar
then we'll applaud you.
In fact, our entire program
will be designed like a video game,
where you get badges and reward points
for getting in shape.
We 'll even make apps where we'll track your steps
exerecises, everything you eat , your location,
you know, like a super creepy Big Brother-type thing
And we 'll make you think you can exercise away
that late night cupcake you crushed
inside your saliva maker last night,
because my carbage puffed bar
made you crave sugar.
But you cannot jazzercise that cupcake ,
-which is fine for us-
because we have a badge for that too.
Look at that neat badge,
it's distracthing and fun,
because if didn't give you some sort of cutesy badge or virtual high-five
you 'd get bored and defeated.
And we don't want you bored and defeated,
we want you to keep giving us money forever,
as your body shape morphs back and forth.
By the way,the rice puffed bar is now unhealthy
but try our new, gluten-free full-fat paleo square of crusty meat.
See how we keep changing what's considered good for you?
That's how we get it
because a hundred and eight million people
are dieting just in the US,
and they try and fail,
and try and fail
four or five times a year.
Then if you do lose weight
95% of you will gain it back within 3 years.
We deliberately design our program for failure.
However, if you earn that weight back
it's YOU who failed, not our program,
never our program.
You 're a failure
because you can't maintain an unrealistic
masticating and exercise pattern
for the rest of the time you spend breathing.
Oops! Looks like paleo bars
aren't good any more
Now you should buy my liquid diet,
you 'll literally piss out your poop hole
All because your body is freaking out
and doesn't know what to do.
It's going into starvation mode
since you keep switching unheathy diet
to unhealthy diet
making it harder for you to lose weight
Your body is just trying to keep you
from starving, but we helped you develop
a complex about feeding yourself.
It's something you have to do
or you'll die.
And I sell you strategies and products
that make it seem legitimate
to starve yourself on and off
but if you really wanted to get healthy
you 'd just eat moderately
and exercise moderately
and accept that your body will never be
what you deem as perfect.
But we' ll never tell you that.
Come on, go ahead and eat
my grain-free vegan paleo allergen-free raw non-solid bar
it's $25 and I guarantee you'll lose weigth eating it.