How to get your kids to listen without yelling? Today is day 4 of our 5
day challenge. Vicki, I'm going to geek out on you today.
As a psychologist, I've been waiting for this one. Today, our objective is to get
into your thinking a little bit. We're going to pry into your psyche and take a
look at the expectations. So, our objective today is to increase self
awareness through metacognition and examining our expectations. -The mantra
today is "things are just as they should be. I am right on schedule." This one can
be tricky at first to say. -It can be tricky because we don't always feel that
that's true. -Right. -Right? Think about it. Are
things exactly as they should be? Are you right on schedule? And notice that you've
already got an answer to that. We're suggesting here this mantra because you
don't know. You don't know. Think about it. Do you know? Like you've got some cosmic
connection to the grand calendar of all things? Do you know if you're on schedule
or not? -Well and I think one of the things about this that's great to
remember is that things are... You know, I'm on schedule. If we have to remember our
expectations. And that's what will really get diving into today is our
expectations. If we look at where we are expecting to be, we're probably just
right we're on schedule. It's just like a little child who's falling down a lot. We
do not say, "Oh, my goodness. You fell down." We praise the fact that they took the
step. -Right. And like the child, you're right on schedule too. -Or taking the
steps. -Whether you are or not, you don't know for sure. But notice that you have a
position about that. With today's mantra which I hope you wrote down in your
journal and you will repeat several times today. "Things are just as they
should be. I'm right on schedule." You're introducing a whole new way of thinking
into your own mind. And how would it feel if that were
true. This is why you get to practice that mantra. Now, let's get to the
challenge. To introduce the challenge, let's acknowledge something about anger
and frustration. And the source thereof. -Right. There always secondary emotions.
-Yes. -They're usually... Really they come because your expectations are unmet.
-They've been violated somehow things didn't go as you expected them to. Well,
really you're not very good at predicting things anyway. But notice that
your expectations will lead to frustration and anger if they're not met
or if they're violated in some way. With that acknowledgement, let's also do some
cognitive work today. Let's work on the brain and on the thinking so that you
can understand a little bit better where those expectations are being violated.
And you may not have even thought about it this way. But every time you yell at
your kids, why? Why did you yell at your kids? Can you see that it's because
something didn't go the way you expected it to go or wanted it to go? Do we need
to make a distinction, Vicki about what you expect versus what you want?
-No. They're kind of the same in many ways. -They get mixed together in our own mind.
So, just acknowledge that. Now, here's how you can implement this challenge. -I was
just thinking that... Let's just take today and think of 3 examples when you
kind of lost it. Because usually we've lost it at least 3 times by this
point in the day, right? -And if not today, you can look at the last 24-48
hours. But think of 3 examples. So, come up with 3 ideas in your mind if
when you lost it. Now, you're going to do a little bit of journaling work on this
and we're going to use the acronym PEACE. So, in your journal, write out those
letters down the page P-E-A-C-E. Just write them down the left-hand column on
a journal page because you're going to fill in some information about these
three examples on each of these. Let's start with P. P
stands for problem. What was the problem? So, for each of these 3 examples that
you just thought of, jot down next to the P on your journal. What was the problem?
-And I would interject. Let's make it fairly short and succinct. A lot of times
with the problem, I have found that people want to just like give all of the
backstory and all of the reasons. Just stay... Say one thing, like for instance,
"I yelled at Sophie because she made a mess while eating." -Yes. Or, "James didn't
come home on time." Or whatever it is, okay? See? Brief succinct what was the problem?
That's P. -That moves us into E and the word for that is expectations. -This is
where it gets a little more challenging. And we need to look into our own
thinking. What was I expecting? What was my expectation? -There is so much value in
this. I think most of the time we're not even aware of our expectation. We go
straight from situation to frustration and anger. And we bypass the fact that
there was even an expectation that was violated. So, before we can do anything
different with it, we need to identify that expectation. You just identified one
of the most common cognitive errors that we make. And it has to do with what we
call the fundamental attribution error. And we make up words stuff in psychology. It makes us feel
smart. -Yeah. -But this error that we all make is that we feel something. So, when
you feel that anger that has you yelling, your mind is asking, "Why am I upset?" And
it's drawing you back to P, the problem. -Right. -When really it should be drawing
you back to E, the expectation or the belief set that's causing that
frustration. So, in the example: "I yelled at Sophie because she made a mess at
lunch." I think you shared that example. What was your expectation? -That she would
eat neatly. And maybe even that problem, maybe the problem was Sophie made a mess
at lunch. I shouldn't have even said, "I yelled because..." But the problem was.
Sophie made a mess. -Yes. -The expectations she wouldn't that she
would eat neatly and that's kind of where we go from there.
-Or James didn't come home on time. What was my expectation? -That be home at 10:30.
Right. -5 minutes early or whatever, right? And when I say it that way, you can see
well maybe that's not a realistic expectation. We're coming to that. But at
this point under the E part on your journal, simply identify as accurately as
you can what was my expectation that was violated that had me feeling so upset.
-Right. -Now, that leads us to the next step in this peace formula. P-E-A. A is an
alternative expectation. In other words, what else could I reasonably expect here
that might be more true or more accurate? Let's go back to Sophie for the first
example. What's a more reasonable expectation? Well, Sophie is 4 years
old and this is what 4-year-olds do. As she continues to learn and develop,
she'll gain more maturity and more skills where she can eat lunch more
neatly. Now, that was a mouthful. But you see where I'm going with this? As a
4-year-old, what's a reasonable alternative expectation? -Okay. So, let me
play devil's advocate for a minute. What about let's go back to the son that
didn't come home? Are we letting them off the hook if we say, "Oh, you know, it's
normal for 16-year olds to break curfew. -This is a great question, VIcki. Because it depends on
their stage of maturity how you're going to respond. What we're trying to get to
us what was your expectation that had you all tipped over. -Okay. You may still
have an appropriate consequence for James coming home late. Well, what's an
alternative expectation? James is a 16-year-old boy. How many of them
come home late? I don't know all the statistics, Vicki. Do you? Is it reasonable
to expect that? Maybe James is a 16 -year-old boy is going to come home late
occasionally. -Right. You know... And that just brings me up back to another
comment too. If you haven't listened to a lot of our YouTube, go back and look
about the stages. Because I think that's something that's really important. Maybe
it's important to realize, "You know, my kid is 8 and
I was expecting him to cooperate with me. So I was expecting to be on stage 1 or
stage 2. But he is responding in a stage 1 way." And so, you're not really letting
him off the hook. You're just looking at your expectations. I was
expecting stage 3, I got stage 2, so I'm frustrated. I was expecting stage 2, I got
stage 1 and that's left me feeling frustration. The frustration remember is
because of unmet or violated expectations. So, in the A stage of this
piece acronym, we're simply coming up with an alternative expectation which
changes how we feel. And therefore how we can show up it has nothing to do with
what consequences our child might get. -We're not letting them off the hook necessarily.
We're just reframing it and looking getting clear about our expectations and
offering our brain and our emotions another way to look at it. Look at how
the dynamic changes with James, for example. Our 16 year old son who came
home late and if my expectation is "Yeah, sometimes 16-year olds come home late. He
comes through the door and I'm like, "Hmm. Well, let's get to the consequences." And
I'm not tipped over because I fully expected that this could happen from
time to time. That's why that's a powerful step. Take some time to work
this through. For all 3 of your examples, make sure you've got a good
alternative expectation that is consistent with truth and their stage of
moral development. If you need some help with that, ask for some help on that
Instagram post where we have a similar post where we get to interact about the
day 3 challenge. In our acronym, C stands for change in feeling. As you are
identifying your expectation and an alternative expectations, just become
aware. Where on a scale of 0 to 10 was your frustration or anger. It might have
been at a 7 or an 8 and now it's at a 4. Notice I didn't say it's completely gone.
-Probably it's not. -Probably it's not gone because the problem hasn't been
solved at all. But just realize that as you are thinking things through, take
getting aware the expectations of yourself of your thought process.
Remember, your feelings are driven by your thoughts. And so, as we kind of start
to take control of looking out "How did I get to this feeling?" Here are the
thoughts: "I thought he should have been on stage... He should have just come home.
She should have cleaned up after herself." Whatever it is. Just become aware of the
thoughts and then taken an assessment of how your feelings are so changing of
your feeling. Just realize that has changed as you have evaluated the
situation. -So, you'll have 2 numbers for each of your 3 examples. "I was
feeling..." And then put a number like Vicki was saying. And 10 means "I'm busting out
of my skin." And zero means "Don't even noticing." -I'm asleep. -Yeah. So, pick a number
that reflects where you were at the time of the incident. And then as you've done
this exercise and thought about an alternative expectation. And as you
imagine yourself applying that new expectation, how does the feeling change?
Put a second number for how it feels as you consider the new alternative
expectation. Now, you've gotten up to the last letter of the acronym. And on that
last E, we're going to make an experience promise. That's what the E stands for,
experience promise. In other words "What am I committed to do now based on my
experience and what I just learned?" This is an important exercise to help you
tune in to your own mind, your own expectations. And let's learn from those
3 examples that you came up with at the beginning of the video. Those t3
times when you lost it. Those 3 times when you blew it or when you yell
or lost your cool. Those are valuable learning experiences. So, on this
last E, just jot down your commitment to yourself and others moving forward your
experience promise. -I'm not sure I really understand the experience promise. So,
give us an example with Sophie. So, I realized that
4-year-olds, they spill their milk or they sometimes touch their food
because they're still very sensory at times. And so, I've changed my expectation.
Okay, 4-year-olds often our sensory. How do I go into experiencing a promise?
-So, the experience promise with Sophie might be, okay based on what I've just
learned from thinking through that incident where I yelled at Sophie
because she made a mess at lunch. And all of the expectations that we talked about,
my experience promise is I will look for in the next week, 3 opportunities to
respond to Sophie differently when she makes a mess. -Okay. -Do you see how that's...
That's taking what I've learned from this. And I get to apply it to the next
time because guess what? Sophie at four.... -Is going to make another mess. -What about
James? -Hmm. -Okay? We, can apply another experience promise there. And the
experience promise might be "I will look for times to express appreciation to
James for all of the things he's doing well." And I'll do that 3 times in the
next week. -And I think the experience promise can also be that...
Because remember, our ultimate goal is to stop yelling at our children. Get
them to listen. It might be that I'm going to make sure that the consequence
I deliver is going to be in direct relationship correct correlation with
their stage. So, maybe with James instead of giving him like just a conversation,
maybe he needs a consequence because he's responding in a way that would
imply consequences instead of just this conversation and expecting that to take
care of everything. -And I will deliver that consequence with a calm voice and
face. And with that pleasant smile that I always have is a positive parent.
Awesome. You've completed at least the video portion of day 4 of our 5-
day challenge. We made sure that you come back tomorrow for day 5 where we'll
wrap this whole thing up. And we invite you to
also interact with us on Instagram where you can share your experience on the
corresponding post.