>>> I'M DR. BETHEL FROM YALE. THIS IS CARDINAL HANSON.
AS YOU CAN IMAGINE, YOU ARE OF GREAT INTEREST TO BOTH THE
SECULAR AND RELIGIOUS COMMUNITIES.
>> WE BELIEVE YOU HAVE HAD A GENUINE ENCOUNTER WITH THE
REAL SANTA CLAUS. >> THIS IS NUTS, MAN.
I MEAN, WE'RE JUST REGULAR PEOPLE WHO HEARD FOOT STEPS ON
CHRISTMAS EVE AND NOW WE'RE A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE.
>> INDEED. TELL US WHAT HAPPENED AFTER YOU
AWOKE. >> ME AND MY GIRL WOKE UP AND
SANTA CLAUS WAS STANDING IN THE LIVING ROOM, REAL AS RAIN.
>> HE SAID, COME WITH ME TO THE NORTH POLE.
JUST LIKE THAT WE WERE ON HIS SLEIGH WITH THE REINDEER AND
EVERYTHING. >> MIRACULOUS.
>> AND YOU, MS. RAFFERTY? >> WELL, A LITTLE DIFFERENT FOR
ME. I'M CRASHING IN THEIR GUEST
ROOM. I CAME DOWN STAIRS LATER.
I WAS MET BY A NINE FOOT TALL GOAT MAN NAMED CRINKLE MOUSE.
HE POINTS A HOOF AT ME AND GOES LIKE THIS.
[ GRUNTING ] I GET THE HINT THAT I SHOULD
COME WITH. >> YOU WERE TAKEN TO SANTA'S
SLEIGH? >> NO.
NO, NO, NO. CRINKLE MOUSE TRAVELS BY DOG
SLED. WHICH SOUNDS FUN BUT THEN HE
STRAPS A HARNESS ON ME, THROWS ME IN WITH THE FREAKING DOG
TEAM. THESE DOGS DON'T FLY, THEY RUN.
IF YOU THINK YOU CAN'T RUN AS FAST AS A DOG, YOU'RE RIGHT.
A MINUTE IN I FALL, GET DRAGGED FOR A MILE OVER A FOREST FLOOR
AND MY SWEATS GET YANKED OFF. NOW THERE IS NOTHING BETWEEN THE
GROUND AND MY COOTER AND TOOTER. WASN'T THE WORST TIME I HAVE HAD
ON ALL FOURS. >> FASCINATING.
WHAT HAPPENED WHEN YOU ARRIVED AT THE NORTH POLE?
>> WELL, IT SOUNDS CRAZY. WE WERE TAKEN TO SANTA'S
WORKSHOP. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
IT SMELLED LIKE GINGERBREAD. MY BEARD STILL SMELLS LIKE IT,
MA'AM. >> YEAH.
MRS. CLAUS CAME OUT WITH MUGS OF HOT COCOA.
WARMED MY TUMMY AND MY HEART. >> WHAT?
THESE TWO WERE IN A DISNEY MOVIE.
MEANWHILE, CRINKLE MOUSE TAKES ME TO THE REINDEER STABLES.
HE HANDS ME A SHOVEL. HE GOES, YOU WORK.
ALSO I HAD THE PLEASURE OF MEETING THE MISSUS, MRS. CRINKLE
MOUSE WHO LOOKS MORE LIKE A RAM THAN A GOAT.
SHE'S EITHER JEALOUS OR A LEZ BECAUSE SHE STARTS RAMMING MY
KNOCKER LIKE -- PARDON ME, SHARON.
SHE'S GOING -- >> THAT'S ENOUGH.
THEY GET IT. THEY GET IT.
>> AND WHAT HAPPENED NEXT IN THE WORKSHOP?
>> WELL, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE ME, BUT THE ELVES CAME
OUT. WE ALL SANG SONGS.
>> THERE WERE A BUNCH OF CHUBBY GUYS IN FUN HATS WITH CUTE TOES
AND NOSES. >> THE STABLES HAVE ONE ELF.
HE LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE GOLLUM. SMELLED LIKE A HARD-BOILED EGG
AND THIS LITTLE BASTARD'S NAME WAS SHART.
>> OKAY. DID HE ALSO SING AND DANCE?
>> NO, NO. HE'S IN CHARGE OF THE REINDEER,
RIGHT? HE TELLS ME IT'S TIME TO CHECK
THEM FOR WORMS. CUT TO I'M HOLDING ONTO A LADY
REINDEER KEEPING HER STEADY WHILE SHART IS POKING AROUND.
THESE REINDEER CAN FLY SO WHEN SHE BUCKS I'M 20, 30 FEET OFF
THE GROUND AND STILL ROCKING ZERO PANTS HERE.
SO MY HOG TAKER AND LOG MAKER ARE ON FULL DISPLAY.
LET'S JUST SAY I UNDERSTAND WHY CRINKLE MOUSE AND COMPANY AREN'T
SHOWING UP ON ANY COCA-COLA CHRISTMAS CANS.
>> GOD, I DON'T THINK YOU HAD AS GOOD A TIME AS WE DID.
>> OH, YEAH, DOUG? YEAH?
>> HOW WERE YOU RETURNED HOME? >> WELL, SANTA SPRINKLED MAGIC
DUST AND THE WHOLE WORKSHOP DISSOLVED AROUND US.
>> THEN WE WERE BACK IN OUR LIVING ROOM, CHRISTMAS MORNING.
WE WENT RIGHT OUT AND LOADED UP THE FLAT BED WITH CHRISTMAS HAM
FOR THE POOR, CAME HOME THAT NIGHT AND MADE TENDER LOVE FOR
THE FIRST TIME IN SIX YEARS. >> THE LORD WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS
WAYS. >> YEAH, SO DOES SHART.
BECAUSE WHEN IT WAS TIME FOR ME TO GO CRINKLE MOUSE HANDS HIM A
MAGIC STICK AND THIS SON OF A BITCH STEPS UP TO THE PLATE AND
CRACKS ME IN THE BACK OF THE KNEE WITH IT.
I DISSOLVE INTO A CLOSED BANK OF AMERICA 15 MILES FROM MY HOUSE.
AND I TRIPPED SOME SORT OF ALARM SO THE COPS SHOW UP AND MIND
YOU, I AM STILL PANTSLESS. NOW I'M SPENDING CHRISTMAS
MORNING IN THE BACK OF A SQUAD CAR WITH MY GRASSY KNOLL AND MY
GASSY HOLE HANGING OUT. I'M THINKING, DAMN IT, COLLEEN,
YOU'RE BECOMING YOUR MOTHER. >> REMARKABLE.
DO YOU THINK YOU WILL EVER SEE THESE SPIRITS AGAIN?
>> NO. BUT I FEEL ST. NICK IN MY HEART.
>> YEAH, I SEE HIM WHENEVER I SEE A CHILD SMILE.
>> YEAH, I SMELL HARD-BOILED EGGS, SO SHART CAN'T BE TOO FAR
OFF. I THINK THAT LITTLE BASTARD
FOLLOWED ME HOME. OH, BOY.
WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO FEED THAT THING?
[ APPLAUSE ] ♪♪♪