YESTERDAY AMERICANS IN 13 STATES VOTED IN SUPER TUESDAY.
MAKING TODAY "MY GOD, WHAT HAVE WE DONE?" WEDNESDAY.
THIS IS THE ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE.
>> BUT, MR. TRUMP, YOU'RE NOT A NICE PERSON.
( APPLAUSE ) NOW, ON THE DEMOCRATIC SIDE, THE
RACE IS BETWEEN FRONTRUNNER HILLARY CLINTON AND THE SENATOR
FROM THE GREAT STATE OF YOUR LIBERAL FRIENDS' FACEBOOK FEED,
BERNIE SANDERS.
BERNIE WON VERMONT, OKLAHOMA, MINNESOTA AND... COLORADO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT SECRETARY CLINTON HAD A
MASSIVE SWEEP OF EVERYTHING ELSE.
LOW TURNOUT MEANT A ROUGH NIGHT FOR SANDERS.
EVIDENTLY, A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO WERE FEELING THE BERN GOT COOLED
DOWN BY SOME PREPARATION H.
( LAUGHTER ) ON-- ON-- ON THE REPUBLICAN
SIDE, THE VOTERS SPOKE, AND THEY SAID
"BLAGHAHGHAHGHAHGHGHGHGHAAAAH!!" ( APPLAUSE )
AND I HOPE I'M PRONOUNCING THAT CORRECTLY.
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE DONALD TRUMP DOMINATED
SUPER TUESDAY WITH A SEVEN-STATE WIN-BOREE.
AND IT LOOKS LIKE TRUMP MIGHT HAVE THE NOMINATION IN THE PALM
OF HIS TINY, WET, PINK HAND.
BUT THE BIGGEST WINNER OF LAST NIGHT'S LOSERS WAS TED CRUZ,
WHO MANAGED TO TAKE HOME VICTORIES IN TEXAS, DIET TEXAS,
AND SNOW TEXAS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THAT PUT CRUZ AHEAD OF MARCO RUBIO, HIS TOP RIVAL IN THE RACE
TO BE THE FINAL CANDIDATE TO PASS THROUGH DONALD TRUMP'S
DIGESTIVE TRACT.
RUBIO WON ONLY ONE STATE, MINNESOTA, WHICH IS REALLY
EXACTLY WHAT HE WANTED.
>> WE FEEL VERY OPTIMISTIC.
LAST NIGHT WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE MY NIGHT.
I NEVER SAID SUPER TUESDAY WAS GOING TO BE OUR BIG NIGHT.
>> Stephen: YEAH, HE NEVER SAID SUPER TUESDAY WAS GOING TO BE
HIS BIG NIGHT.
I MEAN RUBIO WAS JUST ASKING VOTERS IF THEY WANTED TO SEE A
MOVIE THIS WEEKEND.
WHEN THEY SAID NO, HE SAID, "GOOD, I DIDN'T WANT TO EITHER.
I HATE MOVIES.
WOW.
WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON.
DO YOU WANT TO GO TO THE MOVIES?"
AND HE WASN'T THE ONLY CANDIDATE TO PERFECTLY REALIZE HIS GOAL OF
NOT-WINNING LAST NIGHT.
SO DID OHIO GOVERNOR JOHN KASICH.
>> SUPER TUESDAY WAS NEVER ANYTHING THAT WE EVER THOUGHT
WAS GOING TO BE SOME GREAT THING FOR US.
>> Stephen: IT'S NEVER GOING TO BE A GREAT THING.
YOU THOUGHT WE WANTED TO WIN?
IT'S ONLY 13 STATES, MAN.
LET THOSE SQUARE CANDIDATES FIGHT OVER WHO WINS AND BECOMES
PRESIDENT.
( LAUGHTER ) KASICH STILL HAS A CLEAR PATH TO
THE PRESIDENCY.
JUST TAKE THE WHITE HOUSE TOUR, SNEAK INTO THE OVAL OFFICE, LOCK
THE DOOR AND CLAIM SQUATTER'S RIGHTS.
IT COULD WORK.
IT'S THE SAME STRATEGY USED IN 1924 BY PRESIDENT ALBERT J.
RACCOON.
( LAUGHTER ) IT WAS A BRIEF-- IT WAS A BRIEF
BUT EFFECTIVE ADMINISTRATION.
BUT HERE WE ARE.
TRUMP.
NOW, TRADITIONALLY, WHEN A CLEAR NOMINEE EMERGES, THE PARTY
RALLIES BEHIND HIM.
FOR INSTANCE, IN 2012, THEY RALLIED WITH: "SURE, MITT
ROMNEY!
HE'S PRESIDENT-SHAPED!" ( LAUGHTER )
BUT NOW, THERE IS SOME DOUBT WHETHER THE PARTY WILL EVER BE
ENTHUSIASTIC ABOUT TRUMP.
BUT FOR ALL THOSE FEARS THAT ARE OUT THERE, ALL OF THEM WERE LAID
TO REST LAST NIGHT BY FORMER RIVAL
CHRIS CHRISTIE'S JOYOUS AND ENERGETIC INTRODUCTION OF TRUMP
AT THE VICTORY RALLY.
>> GOOD EVENING.
TONIGHT, DONALD TRUMP IS THE CLEAR WINNER ON SUPER TUESDAY.
( APPLAUSE ) TONIGHT IS THE BEGINNING OF
DONALD TRUMP BRINGING THE REPUBLICAN PARTY TOGETHER FOR A
BIG VICTORY THIS NOVEMBER.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: CHRIS CHRISTIE KIND OF SOUNDS LIKE THE BEST MAN
AT A WEDDING HE NEVER BELIEVED IN.
NOW IT'S TOO LATE TO STOP.
"JENNIFER AND MARK-- WHAT A COUPLE, WHO DID, ACTUALLY, JUST
GET MARRIED.
IT HAPPENED.
WE ALL SAW IT.
IT'S REAL.
SOME OF YOU KNOW THAT JENNIFER AND I HAVE A BIT OF HISTORY, BUT
THAT'S WHAT IT IS... HISTORY.
RIGHT, JEN?
WE'RE JUST FRIENDS NOW.
POINT IS, I AGREED TO BE THE BEST MAN BECAUSE I AM HAPPY FOR
YOU, AND THE GROOM VOLUNTEERED TO PAY OFF MY CAMPAIGN DEBTS.
CHEERS!" ♪ ♪ ♪