So, you're at your boiling point. You've had it. You're super close to just
throwing your hands up in the air and walking away from your loved one (who has
an addiction problem), but you're not sure if you should, because you're riddled
with guilt, anger, frustration, sadness, every kind of negative emotion.
It's all wound up inside of you, and you're trying to decide if it's time to just walk away from your addicted loved one.
That's what we're gonna be talking about in today's video. This is live, so if
you're watching it right now (12 noon on the January the 30th),
you can talk to me in the chat, and you can ask questions or
add your opinions. I would love for you to know your thoughts. If you're new to this
channel I'm Amber Hollingsworth, and you're watching Put The Shovel Down.
This YouTube channel designed to help you understand the science and psychology of
addiction, so you can get yourself (or your loved one) into recovery, and get
back to living the life that you want to live. You know, the life before this
addiction took over. As we wait for people to join our video, I'd like to
SAY THANK YOU SO MUCH to all of you who are our loyal followers and
fans. You have done so much to help me. Hey Heather!
You've done so much to help me spread the message of recovery. Almost
every week (more than that usually), I get a comment from someone saying "I love
your videos but I wish I would have found you years ago" and I understand
where they're coming from. And, I wish there was something I could do
about that. But, there's not anything I can do about the
past, but you guys can help me get this information out to people who need
it now. So that they won't be saying that in the comments years from now.
There is a huge lack of information
out there for family members of people with addictions. There's definitely nothing out there, advising families about what to do in this
situation. Today is a hard topic. It's the question of when do you throw your
hands up, and just say "that's it, I'm done". Well, I've got some guidelines for you
to think about. I've put this into a few categories. The
first category is.... if your loved one has BECOME PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE, or
intimidating, or psychologically abusive, to the point that you're fearful of
living in the house with them. You're scared of what you say. When
you live with an addict, there's always that sense of walking on
eggshells, because you don't know which version of them you are going to get.
However, when you're literally physically scared, that they're gonna hurt you, or
you're having to sleep with your wallet under your pillow, or locked up in your
trunk, you're being held hostage in your home.
And, that is a good indicator that it's time to back up and do something else. I
know you may be torn because they have an illness. (I have
a video called... It's Not a Disease). I just put it out, but you can say it's an illness.
You're thinking...."they have an illness, and they can't help it. Shouldn't I be trying to help them?"
This is very true, but I've come to realize
lately, that I might not have been sending the balanced message that
you have to protect yourself too. I'm all about empathy, and compassion, and
helping to motivate someone toward recovery, but there is a limit.
If you're being abused physically or emotionally,
then it's time to step back. I'm not telling you that you have to step back forever.
I'm not telling you to have to give on your loved one give up on your loved one, but
you have to protect yourself. If you're not doing that, then you are enabling
really bad behavior. You're enabling addiction. You're basically teaching
someone that it's okay to treat you really badly.
I don't care what kind of illness someone has, that's not okay. (Not under any
circumstance, no matter what ) So, it is perfectly appropriate to back up and
protect yourself. in fact, I've been working on I made a couple of videos
about dealing with aggressive behaviors,. They are still in
the editing process, and they'll be coming out soon. Those videos break this
subject down into a little bit more detail. Another reason why you may
think about stepping back (at least for a little while), is if the whole
addiction thing has gotten to the point that you've completely lost yourself.
You've completely turned into a mad person. seriously, you're not
sleeping at night because you're getting up to search, or you can't
leave your house anymore, because you're scared that they're gonna do something
bad. You don't go on vacation. and When you're around them, you're like a
lunatic, because you've gotten to the the point that the situation has driven you
mad! Seriously, this thing can and
will do that. We've all been there at points, but if you find that you feel like that often,
and you don't even know who you are anymore, then probably what's
happening to you is....You're either living so in so much fear that you're being held
hostage. Or, you're being manipulated to the point that they're
doing things to make you act crazy, so they can turn it on you, and
say you're the crazy one! Plus, you know you've been kind of
going crazy lately, so you beging to think maybe they're right. Living with addiction makes you have all this
self-doubt. Those are a couple of reasons why you could get to breaking point.
A few years back I helped these two parents. I never saw their son, because
their son was actually already not living with them.
I didn't see him, but from what they told me, it
was really really bad. The mom was just the loveliest lady you
could ever meet. Actually, both of the parents great. Even outside
of addiction, the mom would tell you that she was
codependent like crazy. "like I can't even tell my neighbor no when they won't stop
talking to me" She had trouble setting boundaries anyway. Her son
developed an addiction, (as a young teenager),
so she'd been living with addiction for a long time. so when that
happened she immediately did all of the things you know enabling can't tell him
no and he would ask for crazy things she just could not tell him no for pretty
much anything and it got to the point I mean I can't tell you how seriously bad
it got really bad that this mom went to his other house she had to change her
phone number so that the son couldn't get ahold of her because if he did he
would badger her relentlessly because he knew he could make her give in now the
dad still had contact with the Sun so it was it like there was no contact or they
weren't doing anything for him it was just that mom knew she was like the weak
link in this story and she knew that he would just harass and harass and harass
her and so she had to make that big decision to do that I know Taylor that's
like thinking about that thinking about like not even letting your kid call you
and that super scary that's like what has happened and so in another fairly
similar situation it was another set of parents I think and that was you last
year Heather I know it was bad I was dealing with another set of parents and
the mom the it was a daughter that they were dealing with and the daughter had a
tendency to just sort of provoke the mom like star all along that it was just
like she couldn't stop doing it cuz the daughter knew exactly what buttons to
push and she would push them I mean she would just berate the mom and it wasn't
like she didn't try to do that to that she did but it just didn't work on him
as good and so I actually had her change her phone number and said you know dad
is the first line of defense and so there's no calling mom because she would
play the daughter would play like really pitiful inside and get them on a decent
floor and if that didn't work she'd pick up all that war in a fight or she'd
steal or something like it was like really bad and so I almost had like put
the lotto moms like you're leaving this office right now and you change it if I
never enter and if you want to send the last text she could say hey I'm changing
my number if you need something call dad and so that actually worked pretty good
for a while you know she tried to push that boundary she tried everything
possible to sort of get through that but with dad it just wasn't quite so easy
and I trained out I don't want you being mean to her I want you be kind to her
but I want you said the limit and if she's talking to you I believe that I
want you to say like hey you know you seem like you mad let's talk about it
later and then just hang out and so you almost have to retrain that person how
to interact with you because if you allow that waiver to go on it's just
worse I mean I hate saying it and this sounds like really mean bout really me
that me but it's like a toddler if you let them throw a fit and you let that
behavior work then you're just like reinforcing that you're just guessing
leaning and nurturing bad behavior so do not let that kind of behavior
continue and the third and I was gonna say laughs what it's probably not last
cuz there's probably a laundry list of more how they're saying he'll say
terrible things to hurt ya intimidation and I think that kind of thing is
emotional abuse I really do it's like they're using an intimidation to bully
they're bullying you and that's what's happening the last kind of situation I'm
going to talk about today like I said there I'm sure more but the but the less
I wanna talk about today is when it's caused you so much financial distress
that you are falling apart you can't pay your bills like maybe there's kids in
the house and electricity is getting turned off because either they're
stealing or they refuse to work and they don't contribute to the bills like if
it's your husband or you've paid so much in treatment and counseling and
everything else that you like completely out of file bankruptcy I mean there's
just a lot of ways that addiction can impact you financially and there is a
point when you may have to walk away financially and sometimes that means
sort of backing up emotionally and financially sometimes if the person is
not ugly or like that you can you can sort of walk
away financially but stay connected emotionally you have to make that
decision you know sometimes it's both and sometimes it's just one but there is
a time where you're going to have to protect yourself and your family
emotionally and if there are other people in the family or in the house
dealing with situation besides you and you're letting them run all over you
you're letting them ruin the finances and tear down the house it's not just
about protecting here it's about protecting everybody else in the
household and anybody that I know in recovery will tell you oh they'll tell
you people don't recover to tell you long before ever tell you like oh you
need to cut them off you only do that you need to put them out people in
recovery are tougher about these things than I am cuz because I remember what
they did to their families and they know exactly what their intentions are and
they're like oh no you did not need to let that happen
do y'all know environment covery I think they would be they would tell you to be
tougher than I don't do you so those those are the three things in which you
might want to seriously think about throwing your hands up like I said it
does not have to be forever you can put small boundaries it can be a
day at a time it can be like I'm backing up today like I'm done today if you want
to talk to me nicer tomorrow we could try again or it may be I'm backing up
until like further notice you know that sort of thing it's okay to do that when
it's ruining you when it's tearing you down emotionally physically financially
and your to the brink seriously take the life raft back up do something else if
you want more information on how to have healthy boundaries with a loved one with
a drug or alcohol problem I have a whole playlist about that and once I get off
of here I will link it up for you right here so you can just click it and sort
of move on down those and want some other things about other ways to protect
yourself okay guys see you next time thanks for joining me
you