- Set List is unique.
Now normally, when you see a stand-up comedian perform,
you've seen them give you material that they have created,
they have crafted, they have honed, they have perfected.
We are going to give them a set list.
They are going to improvise a stand-up comedy routine
out of thin air.
The comedians will see their set list topics
at the exact same moment that you see them
for the very first time.
Ladies and gentlemen, will you welcome
the never-before-seen set list of another favorite
of ours, the brilliant Miss Kira Soltanovich!
- It's exciting stuff!
Look at you, you got dropped off here by an adult, right?
Good for you!
(audience laughing)
That's exciting, you're out, you're on a date!
You're with Jude Law!
You're gonna lost your virginity tonight!
It's gonna happen for you, right?
It's gonna happen, you're excited?
Okay, I'm excited for you.
Can I watch?
(audience laughing)
Is that inappropriate?
Alright.
Hey, you guys are watchin' on the internet!
Pull your pants up, you perverts!
(audience laughing)
Nah, keep 'em down, it's fine, it's fine.
Doesn't matter to me, I don't care.
I'm just gonna talk to you fine folks, youngsters over here.
Oh, is this like a high school?
Did a bus drop you guys off?
(audience laughing)
Holy cow.
Alright, let's have some fun, you know.
We're gonna discuss some things.
A lot of them will go directly over your head, young man.
But it's okay.
Whenever anyone around you is laughing, you laugh too.
Alright?
And you will be just fine.
Oh man, speakin' of feelin' old, right?
(audience laughing)
You know, I'm just a creature of habit.
I'm gonna tell you guys right now, I really am.
Here's what it is, you know, you do get set in your ways.
You know what I mean?
You get set in your ways.
I was just printing up something,
like something I wrote on my dot matrix earlier today,
and it's a printer that goes
like this (makes buzzing sounds)
and then after that one line is done,
(audience laughing)
you don't even know what dot matrix is.
Do you have any idea?
You don't know, is it a shoe brand?
Is it a new Christian band out there?
Is it the Dot Matrix?
(cheers) For Jesus!
(audience laughing)
No, it's a printer, alright?
And I'm not gonna get rid of it, alright?
I'm not.
With your fancy "I can print off a smartphone."
How smart is a smartphone if you can't type
in the word "boobless?"
How smart?
(audience laughing)
Oh, did I just blow your minds?
(audience laughing)
That's right, you don't even know what a pager is, do you?
You don't even know, oh my god.
Do you even know what a crack head is?
(audience laughing)
Because that's what pagers were used for.
(audience laughing)
For crack heads.
Were your parents born in the '80s?
How old are you is my question.
I do, I still use one.
I still use it.
I'll tell you why, I'll tell you why.
And it's not because I'm a drug dealer
from a few decades ago.
It's because I never went to medical school.
(audience laughing)
And I'm constantly waiting for a table.
(audience laughing)
I figure why not beat 'em to the punch?
Boom, we'll let you know when your table
at The Cheesecake Factory's ready,
I gotta, no, no, I'll let you know.
(audience laughing)
When this goes (makes buzzing sound) boobless,
(makes buzzing sound) I will seat myself.
Boom, in your face.
And then I also pretend like I have surgery.
(audience laughing)
(sighs) Goodness.
So, if you guys don't know anything about me,
Soltanovich is my last name, Soltanovich.
So yes, I am a Soviet communist, thank you,
and you don't even know what that is.
(audience laughing)
Nothing in the front row is gonna, no one.
So the first stereotype you think of
when you think of Russians?
Liquid people, that's right, that's right.
We eat our breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
Guess what?
We don't care that's the stereotype that you think about us.
Thank you for saying hot, and I appreciate that.
That's also the second one.
(audience laughing)
We are, we are liquid people.
It's one of those things where we don't like
to talk about it, because why?
Why bring it up?
Why talk about something that is both fun, vodka,
(audience laughing)
and destructive, drinking every meal?
(audience laughing)
We don't bring it up.
We don't want to be judged by you or you.
Everyone else is cool.
I don't mind if anyone else judges us,
just not this boy band in the front row.
(audience laughing)
They're making me very uneasy.
(audience laughing)
But it's true, it's true.
Hey, are Asian people bad drivers?
Not all of them, come on.
Not all of them.
When they're doing math while driving, yes.
That's very dangerous.
(audience laughing)
Do all Mexicans have lawn mowers?
I don't know, I don't hang out with Mexicans.
(audience laughing)
Are all Russians liquid people?
Yes.
(audience laughing)
Yes, we are, and we're not ashamed of it or of our pagers.
(audience laughing)
I'm not gonna be ashamed of a pager, everybody.
You're not gonna, you're not gonna shame me.
(audience laughing)
If I could impart any kind of wisdom on you young people,
(audience laughing)
you young, young people, first thing I would do
is take out your smartphone and Google Lionel Richie.
(audience laughing)
'Cause you don't know who that is.
If I could impart, seriously I'm being serious
right noW, let's just really get down to brass tacks,
as they say, right, which is a new band.
(audience laughing)
Sometimes in life, you know what I mean,
you come to a fork in the road.
It zigs when you wanna zag.
Which way do I go?
What do I do?
Do I finish junior high?
Go to DeVry?
Should I drink liquid every meal?
And if you don't believe in a higher power,
you know what I mean?
And if no one on Facebook is giving you good advice,
(audience laughing)
do what I do, you guys, and I have lived by this,
and I have lived a very full-full, full-fill,
I don't wanna even say the word
because it's that's full of fill.
It's a very fulfilled life.
(audience laughing)
It's fulfilling out of my face.
(audience laughing)
Alliteration, boom you try it.
(audience laughing)
Here's what I do when I get stuck
and I say, "What do I do, please universe out there?"
And it's always the same thing.
It is always the same thing.
Dancing on the ceiling.
(audience laughing and clapping)
Think about it.
It's all you have to do, just look up to that ceiling,
and you dance on it.
Look him up, Wikipedia.
Thank you so much, my names Kira Soltanovich.
(audience laughing and clapping)
- Kira Soltanovich!
(lively keyboard tune)