Good morning, John.
I’m using a tripod for support so I don’t fall over.
Goodness, jet lag is real.
I was staying at a very nice hotel in Melbourne.
It was part of the Pan Pacific hotel chain.
Ever stayed at a Pan Pacific? They’re so nice!
Beautiful view out over the river; soft, satin sheets…
I don’t know what satin is.
Probably they were cotton, but nice cotton.
Cotton that grew out of the ground with one hope in its little cotton brain: to make me happy.
Melbourne was super nice.
The whole experience of VidCon Australia was so nice. I love Australians. It was so great.
But, John.
Back to this hotel for a second.
There was a bathtub and a shower.
Like, this was a nice place.
The art in the—I’m sorry I didn’t take any video.
What do you expect? What am I? A professional video—I am.
I am.
Here’s the thing: Toilet paper was a miserable disgrace.
I get that if I’m like at Walmart and I have to poo that I’m gonna be touching my butt with the worst thing ever.
I’m not happy about it, but that’s the sitch.
It’s Walmart.
I used to work at Walmart.
People like would go in and take all of the toilet paper off the roll with them home.
I replaced the toilet paper rolls, and I knew that like, okay, it’s been 2 hours.
Somebody filled their backpack with the Walmart toilet paper, and they left.
Okay, that’s a way to save some money that I had not thought of.
That’s why Walmart doesn’t have nice toilet paper—because people will take it.
But this was a very nice hotel!
Do Australians just have like iron butts?
Raise your hand if you got like a butt problem.
I just want you to know that you’re not the only one.
A lot of people just raised their hands.
There are a lot of butt problems.
I don’t think that we should be ashamed of them.
There’s hemorrhoids.
There’s anal fissures.
You don’t wanna be ashamed of that one, but you also don’t really wanna say it out loud.
And so many people have IBD.
Like, the more you go to the bathroom, the more chance of just pant-area unpleasantness.
And you gotta get clean, and we don’t have bidets ‘cause it’s America.
In Europe, they got bidets for days… is something I just wanted to say.
And I think maybe a lot of people who don’t have butt problems aren’t aware that that can be the worst.
A single bad toilet paper experience can ruin like days of my life.
Like, walking becomes a thing that I like, I don’t wanna do that.
And I’ve developed some techniques and strategies.
It’s good to have like a—like a little tube of, I don’t know, basically diaper rash cream.
A little lubrication for your—this is your butt cheeks right here.
There are your butt cheeks Your bootious what cheeks
Get some ? then make an appointment and then irritation as you strut cheeks
Your butt cheeks These hands are your butt cheeks
The motion I’m making is a simulation of the action of both of your butt cheeks
These are your butt cheeks
Maybe I should go the next step, and I should take my like ultra soft Downy or whatever with the bears that—they’re so happy about how butts are very clean,
whatever those bears are.
I basically buy toilet paper the opposite of how I order food when I’m at a restaurant
and I open the menu and I’m like, “This is too much!” and I just pick the cheapest thing.
Toilet paper’s the opposite of that.
I just buy the most expensive toilet paper ‘cause I assume that they’ve done something.
It’s confusing, though, right, ‘cause sometimes it’s like, “Double the length of roll!” and you—man, I don’t know.
I don’t know!
Give me like a per-yard cost!
You’re making it intentionally confusing.
I understand!
That’s how profit works.
Step 1, make a product.
Step 2, confuse the consumer.
Woo woo woo ah ah!
Step 3, profit.
I get it.
It works for the American medical system.
Oh you guys are gonna have to get some salve for that burn, which you will charge yourselves way too much for.
Anyway, I understand that it’s capitalism.
In our home lives, we don’t see the 20% or 40% premium that we’re paying for nicer toilet paper.
But a business, especially one that buys a lot of toilet paper is gonna see that as a huge and important expense
that they’re gonna want to eliminate at the cost of people with butt problems having a good day.
John, I will see you on Tuesday.
This was weird.