So I just finished the Saints Row Reboot story mode and goat balls cow balls giant sweaty horse
balls it could use some work looking past the broken physics spongy enemies and gratuitous
gameplay glitches it becomes painfully obvious that there are glimmers of Hope sprinkled here
and there and dare I say the story is no exception they really make you stronger
they really do I want to know what that feels like well let's go so instead of ranting about how bad
the plot is let's analyze and try to fix it by turning what could have been into what should
have been saving the sanity of several Saints Row stands by scourging this sanitized story Jayniac
okay so right off the bat there's a problem we aren't given an introduction to our main
characters they're just already roommates and not the kind of Roommates that get on each other's
nerves because of their different upbringings and outlooks on life nah they just get along very well
a little too well there's no conflict between any of them this is especially surprising considering
that they're from different gangs Kevin's with The Idols Neenah's with Los Panteros
the bosses with Marshall who's not actually a gang but a military group and Eli's with
it's hard to get a feel for what makes each character distinct if they're always agreeing
with each other sure they can all believe in the same cause but they really shouldn't all be best
friends Troy you dealing with The Vice Kings not a chance [ __ ] you say man [ __ ] that I'll take
King out Johnny it's not that simple bullets still kill [ __ ] right doesn't get much simpler than
that keep an eye on your boy I don't need a [ __ ] babysitter Julius keep an eye on your boy so let's
change that the only roommate you know at the beginning of the game is Eli the business-minded
college student who moved to Santo Ileso to open a business hoping to eventually pay off his student
loans and he is the only character that should be motivated by this as for The Boss at the beginning
of the game they should already be promoted as head of museum security for Marshall so that
instead of having one mission where they fight and capture The Nahualli and another mission where
they protect The Codex from all two of The Gangs ultimately resulting in them being fired we can
have both events at the same time try to imagine The Idols Los Panteros and The Nahalli's gang all
fighting for The Codex in the opening Mission the only line of defense The Boss in a face concealing
helmet and their martial troops Not only would that be exhilarating it would introduce the player
to all three gangs while also introducing them to the gameplay mechanics some enemies have shields
some enemies need heavier weapons to take them down stuff like that after 5 finally getting The
Codex The Boss gets intercepted by one rookie Idol with a mask on and a waffle tattoo this rookie
puts up a good fight but The Boss defeats him and tells him he's still got a lot to learn The
Boss looks for The Codex and sees The Nahualli is holding it he gets in his car and The Boss chases
him in a Marshall APC introducing the player to vehicular combat the vehicle catches on fire so
The Boss jumps out of it and activates their wing suit teaching the player how to use it they land
on The Nahualli's car arrest him and grab The Codex only to realize it was a fake The Nahualli
gave the real one to one of his gang members and was only acting as a distraction more on this
later The Boss returns to HQ and is congratulated for stopping The Nahualli but is fired for losing
the priceless artifact they get told to hit the showers and collect their things and now the
player gets to customize their character since all the footage I have of me playing the game is from
my Twitch streams where you should totally go and watch me I'll be using footage from Gamerworf's
playthrough go ahead and show them some love tell them Jayniac sent you anyway The Boss leaves the
Marshall building and takes a taxi home on the way they talked to the driver who mentions that
they heard Los Panteros was attacking the museum last night the driver turns on the radio and plays
a song that they and the Boss both recognize the two start singing together and once they
arrive at the house the Boss says we should do this again sometime what's her name to which the
driver responds with Neenah and yours is but right before the Boss can say their name Eli
yells for the Boss to hurry upstairs the two then exchange numbers and the Boss goes upstairs to see
what's up Eli tells them that their new next door neighbor has been playing loud music since they
moved in he wants The Boss to tell the neighbor to turn the music down since you know Eli is not
that intimidating the Boss knocks on the door and the neighbor walks out and since their neighbor is
shirtless the Boss notices their waffle tattoo acting as our introduction to Kevin now before
I continue we really gotta change some things about Kevin his personality feels so unnatural
almost like a bunch of random ideas being taken off of a checklist he likes cooking he's a DJ he
hates shirts he's an orphan he's allergic to cats and he's part of a post-capitalist gang
um why none of these things correlate to each other making Kevin feel more like a bunch of
quirks rather than a real person Kevin says less shirt equals more power but none of The Idols
except for The Collective wear shirts anyway so is that a Kevin thing or is that more of a gang
thing it's never made clear the first thing I change about Kevin is his personality what we
currently have is an eccentric party animal that cares about his looks so how about this instead
keep his party Tendencies and his vanity but Crank It Up to 11 make Kevin a boisterous and
arrogant rookie gang member that thinks he's hot stuff not realizing that he's weighing over his
head but that doesn't stop him from being a good fighter instead of those gains being just for
looks Kevin is a scrapper having been an orphan growing up in foster homes and maybe even on the
streets Kevin knows how to handle himself oh and one more thing keep his love life the same it'd
be a nice way to break away from campy stereotypes anyway Kevin answers the door and The Boss says to
turn the music down Kevin retorts with or what The Boss leans in and says or I'll tell the landlord
you're with The Idols shocked Kevin slams the door and turns the music down The Boss goes back and
tells Eli what happened then they have an idea Eli what if I stole The Codex back from The Nahualli's
gang they'd have no choice but to rehire me Eli disagrees and pulls out his whiteboard to explain
better options like getting a different job The Boss refuses and Eli says think about it for a
second who's gonna back you up against an entire gang The Boss thinks and we smash cut to Kevin
opening his door and The Boss saying we need your help so basically The Boss and Eli enlist
the help of Kevin and a few low-level Idols to rob The Nahualli's gang when Kevin asks what's
in it for him The Boss tells him that it could get Kevin and his team more respect within The
Idols it'll be post-capitalist AF and that it'll be one hell of a party when Eli asks why he's
tagging along The Boss tells him they need to look out for the cops and assure him that he'll be away
from the action the team hits up The Nahualli's gang and loses some of Kevin's gang members die
and The Boss is being attacked by a Nahualli gang member but before they can give the finishing blow
Eli shoots them having never done something like that before he freaks out but with no time to help
him The Boss shouts for Kevin to call the getaway driver to which Kevin responds with they shot the
driver when we got here panicking The Boss pulls out their phone and calls the only person they
could think of Neenah who tells them that she's on her way the player fights off waves of enemies as
Kevin's remaining Idol teammates retreat Neenah arrives the crew gets in and while the player
fights off The Nahualli's gang chasing them Neenah shows off her getaway driving skills The Boss
Eli Kevin and Neenah get back to the apartment everyone's breathing hard they all sit down look
around the room and laugh they each start talking about how amazing that was and how good of a team
they were they asked where Neenah learned how to drive and she tells them that she's with Los
Panteros Kevin's whole demeanor changes and he starts insulting Los Panteros Neenah gets up and
starts yelling back about The Idols the two leave the apartment and Eli starts having a breakdown
down why should The Idols The Nahualli's gang and Los Panteros have all the fun suits like me work
all our lives to get even a fraction of what they get in a day they take what they want when they
want it and I'm just supposed to be okay with that nah this isn't fair it's unjust The boss responds
with you're right someone needs to tip the scales justice is blind but my bullet never misses yeah
but mine do any chance you could teach me how to use a gun and thus the two come up with the idea
of the Third Street Saints bringing justice in an unjust world in Saints Row 1 Julius started
The Saints as a sort of anti-gang they were a gang that stopped other gangs that were getting out of
control so for the reboot take the same idea but put a little spin on it at this point in our story
rewrite The Boss and Eli are on the same page about what The Saints should be and what they
should look like but over the course of the game they steadily disagree The Boss wants to take down
Marshall and The Nahualli's Gang as a personal vendetta but Eli wants to take over all of Santo
Ileso why you ask? What can I say the world is full of uninteresting people and I'm not gonna be
one of them it's crazy to me that there are a few lines of dialogue that hint towards Eli becoming
more unhinged as the game progresses while playing good cop bad cop with The Boss Eli takes things a
bit too far playing bad cop so how come that's never explored honestly a character like Eli
can work if you ditch the LARPing and have him gradually become more sociopathic not caring
for what he sees as the Lesser gang members lives even if they're on his own team the only one who
he cares about is The Boss that is until the end of the game but I'm getting ahead of myself right
now let's talk about some quality of life fixes since this is the start of a new gang instead of
blocking progress with criminal ventures block it with loyalty missions and respect have all made
missions relate to recruiting different kinds of people basically contextualizing every crazy
side activity you do as a way of proving yourself and getting street cred similar to Saints Row 2.
while we're at it since Eli is The Boss' second in command give all the gangs one this is the
first Saints Row game with one named role in each gang Los Panteros has Sergio and The Idols have
The Collective leading their respective gangs and we know nothing about them in previous titles the
rival gangs had their own cut scenes giving the player not only a good idea of who they were up
against but also their reason for wanting to be in a gang in the first place in any story
involving conflict the antagonist has to have a clear motivation for us to care about them this
motivation is usually expressed through dialogue with other characters that are important to them
none of these bosses in Saints Row Reboot talk to their gangs we don't see Sergio with his muscle
heads discussing what they'll do next we don't see The Collective partying together they're
hatching a plan to take over more districts no all of that happens off screen so we're just
expected to assume things how about we have Neenah be Sergio's best mechanic and the one that he can
always rely on so when she betrays him and joins The Saints it hits him a lot harder giving Los
Panteros more reason to fight The Saints on the flip side Kevin who is just a low ranking Idol
gets kicked out after getting members killed during that failed Nahualli hit Kevin will be
one of your first lieutenants but it takes him a while to warm up to you since The Nahualli hit
was your idea which brings us to The Nahualli himself about halfway through our game's story
The Boss initiates a temporary truce between all the gangs so that they can collectively take down
Marshall who is now killing anyone even wearing gang colors The Collective and Sergio convinced
their respective gang members to lay low until The Boss gives the signal to wipe out Marshall
but The Boss can't give the signal without The Nahualli on their side so The Saints break The
Nahualli out of prison just like in the real game except this time something's different The Boss
approaches The Nahualli and tells him what's up but The Nahualli says he's not interested
The Boss tells him that they're the one who put him in jail to begin with so maybe his gang is
as weak as he is but The Nahualli tells The Boss that he let Marshall put him in jail on purpose
because someone in that prison has information on The Codex more specifically it's buyer do you
know what The Codex is what it says well Marshall had plans to sell it to the highest bidder anyone
willing to spend that much money on The Codex must know its Secrets the security alarm goes off The
Boss tells The Nahualli he can keep The Codex if they get out so the two escape with the help of
the other Saints you want to know what The Codex is right don't worry I'll get to it The Idols Los
Panteros The Nahualli's gang and The Saints all work together to permanently stop Marshall even
killing Atticus each gang walks their separate ways with a nod of respect knowing that the truce
is now over and Santo Ileso is fair game the rest of the game involved the player recruiting more
members and shutting down the other three gangs by any means necessary once The Saints are the only
surviving gang they throw a party everything's fine until shots are fired members of The Saints
are massacring other members on the Dance Floor bullets are flying everywhere the place is on
fire so The Boss yells for Kevin Eli and Neenah to find a way out Eli tells them to get to a hidden
rooftop a few buildings over the four arrive and frantically yell about what just happened when
suddenly Eli shoots all three of them not fatally just enough to immobilize them Eli starts raving
about how they've overstayed their welcome and that The Saints will be better under his control
why stop with Santo Ileso when they can expand beyond that it'd be the business opportunity
of a lifetime before anyone can retaliate some Saints rookies tie up Neenah Kevin and The Boss
after putting a bag over their head so yeah Eli betrays you all he's taking things too far and is
convinced that under his leadership The Saints can be more than just a gang in Saints Row 1
Julius tries to kill the Boss for taking things too far but here Eli tries to kill The Boss for
not taking them far enough the foreshadowing was already there so I don't know why they didn't do
this but yes for the Final Act of Saints Row's Reboot the gang you have to defeat is your own
for the first time ever in Saints Row you have to fight The Saints The Boss Kevin and Neenah are on
the Run trying to figure out how to beat Eli blah blah blah they figure it out and The Boss
and Eli are on the rooftop they have a standoff and Eli says none of this would have happened if
you saw the bigger picture The Boss retorts with none of this would have happened if you stayed
out of the action Eli laughs and says you wanted to stick it to Marshall you wanted to fight The
Nahualli I gave you options you got me into this mess and now you're mad at me cause I'm running
things better than you I was just a businessman in the world of crime and Injustice you taught me
everything I know The Boss responds with yeah but not everything I know an epic shootout occurs with
dialogue reminiscent of the time The Boss taught Eli how to shoot a gun police helicopters surround
the place filming everything that happens in the end The Boss kills Eli and says Blood In Blood Out
and that is how the game ends unless of course you get 100% completion in which case you'll
get a secret ending instead of a musical number of freaking Love Shack the secret ending has a
police officer bringing The Codex to their chief of police sitting behind a big chair the chief
watches news footage of what happened on the rooftop and the officer puts The Codex on the
chief's desk with the pages open the camera zooms into those pages showing pictures of Julius Dex
Linn Carlos Shaundi Pierce Kinzie and Asha from the previous Saints Row games the officer says
we got The Codex do you know anything about this chief police chief Johnny Gat turns around with a
shotgun in hand and says course I do you can't expect a sinner to kill a saint roll credits
basically The Codex connects all the timelines in the Saints Row Universe Johnny being responsible
for the timeline change clearly knows this none of his memories were altered so it'd be interesting
to see where he could go from here if you want you can even tie it back to Red Faction and
Agents Of Mayhem some way I find it absolutely ridiculous that The Codex is something that we
Chase throughout the entire game and yet we have no idea what it does or what it says there's a
lot of decisions in this game I really don't understand Love Shack 100% completion for Love
Shack 8 million dollars for Love Shack none of that is worth your time or money but you know
it is my social media but especially twitch if you want to see me live stream I played
this game on Twitch so like if there's any other games you want me to play go ahead go over there
give me follow and I'll hear from you I guess if you like hearing my voice be sure to check
out the Jr. & Marcus Talk Podcast where we talk about just about anything if you don't like my
voice I put out an instrumental album today so go ahead and check it out I'll leave a link in
the description below there's other links to like my Discord uh whatever more importantly check out
the merchandise there will be new stuff at the end of this year or at the beginning of
next year please give it a look and let me know if there's anything you'd like so what should I talk
about next you guys let me know in the comments down below until then I'll leave you with this
it is a truth universally acknowledged that every now and again a situation arises that
defies explanation and so it was with the Ascension of the Third Street Saints
when the saints made their presence known to the world in 2006 they were deprived for being
Pretenders to the throne the people were confused were the same sociopathic killing machines hell
bent on destruction or puckish Rogues living a life of Mirth and Whimsy the Saints needed
Clarity of purpose and so the course was set more fun less mercy killing