>> Stephen: MY NEXT GUEST IS A VERY FUNNY MAN WHO'S BEEN NAMED
ONE OF "ROLLING STONE'S" "FIVE COMICS TO WATCH."
PLEASE WELCOME RYAN HAMILTON.
( BAND PLAYING ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> WOW, THANK YOU!
THIS IS NICE.
IT'S-- IT'S NICE TO TALK TO PEOPLE.
( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T TALK TO ANYBODY.
I DON'T TALK TO ANYBODY ALL DAY, AND THEN I TALK TO A LOT OF
PEOPLE, LIKE, MILLIONS TODAY, AND THEM I DON'T TALK TO
ANYBODY.
IT'S A WEIRD WAY TO LIVE.
I FEEL LIKE I'M WAKING UP OUT OF A DEAD SLEEP INTO A SPRINT, YOU
KNOW.
I'M JASON BOURNING INTO EVERY CONVERSATION.
I TRIED TO CANCEL MY GYM MEMBERSHIP.
YOU HAVE EVER HEARD OF A LAZIER STATEMENT IN YOUR LIFE THAN, "I
TRIED TO CANCEL MY GYM MEMBERSHIP?"
YOU CANNOT GET OUT OF THIS.
I'VE WALKED OFF STREET GANGS EASIER THAN CANCELLING GYM
MEMBERSHIPS.
I CALLED THIS GUY, AND HE SAID, "IF YOU REALLY WANT TO CANCEL,
THERE ARE TWO WAYS."
NO, THERE'S JUST ONE WAY.
( LAUGHTER ) I TELL YOU, AND THEN YOU DO IT.
THAT'S IT.
THAT'S THE ONLY WAY.
WE'RE ACTUALLY HALFWAY DONE RIGHT NOW.
( LAUGHTER ) IF YOU WOULD JUST MEET ME IN THE
MIDDLE, WE COULD CLOSE THE CASE ON THIS ONE YOU KNOW.
HE SAID, "THE FIRST WAY IS YOU CAN COME IN AND CANCEL IN
PERSON."
NOPE.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S NOT THAT ONE.
YOU WANT TO HAVE A MEETING?
WHAT IS THAT CONVERSATION GOING TO BE?
"AS YOU CAN SEE I SPENT $2600 ON FOUR WORKOUTS."
NOW, FROM WHERE I'M STANDING, THE GROUNDS FOR CANCELLATION ARE
PRETTY SOLID, YOU KNOW.
I'VE BEEN CRUNCH SOMETHING NUMBERS OVER HERE, AND I'M ON A
QUARTERLY WORKOUT PLAN, AND IT'S FEELING A LITTLE FINANCIALLY
IRRESPONSIBLE SO IF YOU COULD PLEASE JUST LET ME OUT, PLEASE,
LET ME OUT.
I DON'T USE MY GYM.
DO YOU USE YOUR GYM?
I WARNED IN EVERY THREE MONTHS AND GO, "I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO
THIS."
MY ENTIRE WORKOUT THE WHOLE THING-- THIS IS THE DISCIPLINE I
HAVE-- THE WHOLE THING IS BASED ON WHATEVER MACHINE IS OPEN.
THAT'S HOW I DO IT.
I WALK AROUND LIKE A LOST TODDLER FOR THREE AND A HALF
MINUTES, AND THEN I GO, "I GUESS I'M GOING TO DO NECK TODAY.
JUST GOING TO DO ALL NECK."
( APPLAUSE ) YEAH.
I'M JUST GOING TO BANG OUT A FEW ON THE SCOLIOSIS MACHINE OVER
HERE.
"HEY, SHOULD I SIGN ANOTHER WAIVER, BECAUSE THIS FEELS
DANGEROUS."
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S ALL I DO.
I DO THREE SETS OF NECK, BOTH SIDES, AND THEN I GO HOME.
AND IT COSTS $750.
SO IF YOU COULD PLEASE LET ME OUT, JUST PLEASE.
HE SAID, "IF YOU DON'T WANT TO COME IN AND CANC NEL PERSON,
THERE'S A SECOND WAY."
OH, I'M ON PINS AND NEEDLES OVER HERE.
I CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR ABOUT THE SECOND WAY TO CANCEL MY GYM
MEMBERSHIP.
THIS IS WHAT HE SAID-- "YOU CAN WRITE A LETTER."
HE DIDN'T LAUGH AFTER HE SAID THAT.
WRITE A LETTER?
I WAS FURIOUS.
YOU KNOW WHY?
BECAUSE I DIDN'T SIGN THIS CONTRACT DURING THE CIVIL WAR.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WE DON'T WRITE LETTERS-- I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW.
DO YOU KNOW HOW?
I WAS AT HOME GOOG LING "HOW DO YOU WRITE A LETTER?"
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
"DEAR MY GYM, I FEEL THE TIME HAS COME FOR US TO PART WAYS.
ALTHOUGH YOUR NECK MACHINE HAS PROVEN CHALLENGING, I FEEL THE
COST HAS BECOME EXORBITANT.
FURTHERMORE, WE SPOKE ON THE PHONE ON TUESDAY, AND THIS
LETTER IS REDUNDANT.
PLEASE LET ME OUT.
SINCERELY PRIVATE RYAN T.
HAMILTON."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU TO WRITE A LETTER IN 2016, THEY'RE BULLYING
YOU.
THAT'S HOW-- I FELT BULLY.
I HAD TO BUY 50 ENVELOPES IN ORDER TO WRITE...
( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T EVEN HAVE LETTER WRITING
STUFF.
I WAS WANDERING AROUND MY APARTMENT GOING, "MAYBE I COULD
MAKE AN ENVELOPE OUR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
MAYBE I COULD CULL TOGETHER SOME OF THESE RAW MATERIAL.
BUT I HAVE 49 ENVELOPES LEFT.
IT IS A LIFETIME OF ENVELOPES.
MY CHILDREN'S CHILDREN WILL HAVE ENVELOPES.
THEY'LL BE TALKING STORIES ABOUT HOW THEIR GRANDFATHER WALKED TO
THE CVS IN A FULL-ON RAGE AND BROUGHT BACK THIS NOW-TATTERED
BOX OF ENVELOPES SO THAT WE COULD ALSO CANCEL OUR GYM
MEMBERSHIPS.
AND BY THE WAY, HE HAD TO WALK BY HIS GYM IN ORDER TO PURCHASE
THEM.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
YOU'VE BEEN REALLY GREAT.
I APPRECIATE IT.
THANK YOU.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HE'S NOW ON TOUR ALL
OVER THE COUNTRY.
RYAN HAMILTON, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.