hey guys welcome back thank you for joining me for another video we are
going to dive into stone walling today and I've never talked about this on this
channel as well and I love these topics because I think it's so so important to
educate yourself on what emotional abuse looks like because most of us don't even
know maybe that we tend to do these things from time to time or more
importantly also when someone is doing it to us so we know how to handle
ourself in that situation if you are new to my channel my name is Stephanie I'm a
life and relationship coach if you have not already subscribed please click that
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let's dive into this topic because I there's just like a ton of information
on this um I had no I mean I'm telling you growing up who heard these words
like maybe I heard manipulation but I didn't even really know what that was to
the fullest extent gaslighting is stonewalling I mean the silent treatment
I knew perhaps some aggressive behavior I knew but honestly at times I didn't
really know that someone was doing it I would just be so reactive to people so
understanding this information is so key because then once you kind of know this
information then you start diving into okay how do I handle myself in these
situations how do I teach people that this is unacceptable and I'm not going
to tolerate it and again how do I handle myself inside so stonewalling
stonewalling is a another form of I guess it's it's almost like a
combination of the silent treatment and gaslighting so if you wanted to look at
it that way so stonewalling is in the middle between someone who gives you the
silent treatment and someone who is gaslighting you it's a way to avoid it
so it's a tactic to avoid the discussion to avoid the problem and trying to
really solve it now we know that all relationships are based on communication
so you have to and people always will say you know I want a partner that
communicates a while or communication is the basis of all relationships
absolutely but you need to find two people that communicate similar because
if one person communicates in one way and the other person communicates in a
different way then the relationships not going to work both people probably have
most likely have wounds even the healthiest person is still gonna have
that programming those wounds that might come up from time to time because we all
have an ego and we're all human beings so that's kind of not the point the
point is is am i aware of those things um when you trigger me how do I handle
that situations that really deems healthy versus unhealthy unhealthy is
I'm completely unaware of myself I'm completely unconscious I have all of
these wounds which triggers me to be abusive because these abusive tactics
are a form a defense mechanism against really what's going on inside of myself
and so because I'm not dealing with what's going on inside of myself I'm
going to lash out I'm going to abuse I'm going to Stonewall you I'm going to be
passive aggressive so all of those behaviors that people will inflict on
others really has to do with what's going on inside of themselves when I got
that it was like aha because I stopped being reactive I kind of understood like
okay someone's doing this and that has nothing to do with me and even if I did
something that was upsetting or hurtful or whatever how that person handles that
situation right determines whether or not they're going to sit in victimhood
or whether or not they're going to be a healthy adult that can handle themselves
in situations even when someone does something to upset you or hurt you so
that's true spirituality enlightenment and awaken 'us whatever you want to call
it let's get back into stonewalling so stonewalling like I said very much
kind of looks like the silent treatment whereas someone's gonna avoid eye
contact with you they might roll their eyes there all of
a sudden really they're about to like really do something every time you go to
talk to them so all of a sudden they're really busy and they're not focusing on
stopping what they're doing and engaging in this conversation so they're trying
to avoid something they're trying to avoid talking they might criticize you
they might make fun of you because you're feeling the way that you're
feeling so you can see where a little bits of it sound
the silent treatment and little bits of it sound like gas lighting so it's just
an avoidance to dealing with what's going on so the first thing I think of
is when you bring something to someone's attention and they become very defensive
where they kind of shut down they don't shut down fully and walk away because
again that's a silent treatment but they shut down like partially like
I'll give you a little bit but then I'm going to shut down again like so you
there's no real there's a wall you know you can't get through the wall you can't
really talk to this person and it's not necessarily that they're just getting
defensive it's that they don't want to engage in this conversation now why do
people do this they can do it for one or two reasons number one they can do it
because they you know it is a form of gas lighting and so they want to punish
you basically you're bringing something to
my attention and it probably has to do with me and I don't want you to do that
so this is a form of punishment just like the silent treatment is just like
being passive-aggressive is so just like gas lighting is so by me doing this it
is probably something that is being done consciously because I do want to
actually harm you or hurt you in some way then it could be something that is
done unconsciously because this is what I've learned growing up and this is how
you communicate you know this is how I was programmed to deal with things so
people will use this tactic if it is more of a behavioral thing where meaning
I learned this growing up I learned how to engage in this way it's not something
that's being done maliciously to harm you because you're bringing something to
my attention but it could be a response a defense mechanism to the fact that the
person feels threatened or they have just again learned growing up or not
learned growing up how to handle conflict so when I don't know how to
handle conflict when I don't know how to engage with another person I'm going to
shut down now being able to handle conflict is not okay what's the best
argument that I can have to this person so I can
it's not about that it's about being able to have a healthy relationship so
chances are you didn't have parents that had a healthy relationship within
themselves so they you saw a mom and a dad or whoever your two parents
discussing and arguing but you never saw the resolution you never understood okay
well how should a conversation go where you talk and I listen to you and I don't
interrupt you and I validate you and then I speak and you listen to me and
validate me and it's not about agreeing with each other it's about respecting
each other so now again if someone is doing this out of more about learn
tactics so this is what I learned growing up um like I said it could be a
way to you know you could feel threatened and so you kind of shut down
or you could feel very unsure of yourself and so when conflict arises in
your relationship if you tend to just run away and not want to face things if
you don't know how to handle yourself if you become overly emotional or you just
are feeling very defensive or insecure now because someone brought something to
your attention and now it's kind of like the woe is me like I always do
everything wrong and I must be the bad person and so that causes you to want to
shut down and not talk about things that on some level is a form of stonewalling
because you will put the wall up to dealing with what's actually going on
this you know the situation in the relationship so how do we handle this
when it happens again depending on the person and what you what you think or
why you think they're doing it will determine how you should respond to it
so number one it doesn't matter if the person is doing it intentionally or not
you being the healthy adult to say when when when we behave in this way during
conversation this isn't healthy but in order to have a healthy relationship and
these things not happen you have to have two people that have self awareness of
their stuff you have to be able to say you know what when I have conversations
I get defensive when I have conversations and someone
pins point something out at me I feel threatened and it doesn't feel good and
I go back to that feeling of like it's never good enough and everything I do is
not good enough where I start playing the victim or maybe I just feel very
insecure and I completely shut down or maybe I'm doing this because I want to
hurt this person because I'm getting angry by something that they're saying
so you have to start both people have to have self-awareness so when I talk about
attracting a healthy person into your life if stonewalling is in your romantic
relationship or really any relationship where you choose the relationship there
are some relationships that we can't choose family and we might have to see
them from time to time but again I think you can limit your interaction if you
know it's a relationship that isn't healthy for you but if it is a
relationship that you chose you chose this partner in order to make good
decisions and choose the right person you have to know how does this person
handle conflict how does this person handle disagreements that's a huge
aspect of a relationship and if you handle it in one way and the person
handles it in another then you're talking two different languages and the
relationship is never going to work because unless you can both sit in a
space for each other where you hear each other and really take action towards
trying to understand the other person not just trying to convey your opinions
your thoughts on the other person then you're never really going to be in a
healthy relationship because the via the ability to sit in someone else's shoes
and have empathy again doesn't mean that you're conforming and you're changing
every single aspect of yourself you'll learn what are things that are
non-negotiable for you but for the most part validation is a huge part of
building a healthy relationship your ability to just sit in a space for
someone else and let them feel what they need to feel and even taking a step back
to say you know what even though I wouldn't feel that way and I don't feel
that way I can see why you feel that way that right there is so huge towards
building real trust and a real solid foundation
a chef because when you can't do that that immediately leads to defensive
nests that immediately leads to ego which is I'm right and you're wrong and
all of those things never pose well in a healthy loving relationship so I hope
you guys have enjoyed this video if you are interested in working with me I
always leave all of my links down below to private coaching if you want to book
an individual session I offer group coaching once a month I have online
programs so there's a ton of information on my website um if you're interested in
following me on Instagram as well I will link this over here and I will see you
next week