♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND, EVERYBODY, KAYLEIGH
McENANY AND THE LATE SHOW BAND!
♪ IT'S A FAMILY AFFAIR. >> Stephen: LOUIS, LOUIS, MY
FRIEND. >> Louis: HEY, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: LOUIS, MY FRIEND WE HAVE A COUPLE OF DELIGHTFUL
GUESTS TONIGHT FROM THE CBS HIT NOW "FBI" ZEEKO ZAKI IS GOING TO
BE HERE. AND WE'VE HAD HER ON THE BEFORE,
A DELIGHTFUL GUEST, I'M AN ENORMOUS FAN FROM WAY BACK,
SIGOURNEY WEAVER IS GOING TO BE HERE.
( APPLAUSE )
"AVATAR" MOVIE. >> Louis: I NEVER SAW IT.
>> Stephen: IT'S BACK IN THE THEATERS RIGHT NOW.
THEY RE-RELEASED IT, IN ANTICIPATION OF THE SEQUELS FOR
"AVATAR." SHE TURNS INTO A TREE AT THE
END. >> Louis: DOES SHE REALLY?
IS THAT A SPOILER? >> Stephen: IT'S NOT THAT MUCH
OF A SPOILER. IT'S BEEN OUT FOR 15 YEARS, OR
SOMETHING LIKE THAT. YOU REALLY NEED TO GET OUT MORE,
LOUIS. SHE KIND OF TURNS INTO A TREE,
BUT, EVIDENTLY, SHE'S IN THE NEW MOVIE, TOO.
I DON'T UPON. WE'LL ASK HER ABOUT IT TONIGHT.
WE CALL THAT AN EXCLUSIVE IN THE BUSINESS.
FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW,I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME, RIGHT
OVER THERE, COMBING THE FISH MARKET OF THE DAY'S TOP STORIES,
SELECTING ONLY THE FINEST NEWS CLAMS AND MOST- TOPICAL HALIBUT,
THEN SIMMERING THEM IN A SEAFOOD STOCK WITH TOMATOES, FENNEL
FRONDS, AND SAFFRON TO CREATE THE JAMES BEARD AWARD-
WINNING BOUILLABAISSE THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I CRASH MY STOLEN GOLF
CART INTO THE DAY ROOM OF THE SUNSET PINES RETIREMENT
COMMUNITY, THEN SCRAPE EVERYONE'S ENSURE, CREAMED CORN,
MASHED BANANA, AND ALL OF MRS. ABRAMOWITZ'S PILLS INTO
MR. BUFORD'S ORTHOTIC SHOE TO CREATE THE GERIATRIC PSYCHO
PORRIDGE OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
MEANWHILE!
WE DO IT BECAUSE OF LOVE. MEANWHILE, IT WAS ANNOUNCED
YESTERDAY THAT RIHANNA WILL PERFORM AT THE NEXT SUPER BOWL
HALFTIME.
I GET YOU. I FEEL ON THAT ONE.
IT HAS BEEN SIX YEARS SINCE HER LAST ALBUM, BUT FANS WILL HAVE
TO WAIT FOR MORE MUSIC UNTIL AFTER SHE'S DONE WITH HER DUTIES
AT THE SUPER BOWL, HER MAKEUP BRAND "FENTY," HER LINGERIE
VENTURE "SAVAGE X FENTY," "FENTY SKINCARE," AND HER
CANNABIS LINE, "MARI-RIHANNA."
( LAUGHTER )
WRITE IT ON A CARD, SEND IT TO JIMMIE FALLON AT 30 ROCKEFELLER
CENTER. HE'LL GET IT TO ME.
WE'RE FRIENDS.
DAIRY AISLE. DUE TO SUPPLY ISSUES AND RISING
COSTS, THE COUNTRY IS EXPERIENCING A BUTTER SHORTAGE.
YOU CAN'T TAKE AWAY AMERICA'S BUTTER!
IT'S THE PERFECT FOOD! IT'S GOOD IN A COOKIE, IT'S GOOD
IN A CAKE, IT'S GREAT BY ITSELF! GET A STICK OF BUTTER, SLAP A
LITTLE BUTTER ON IT, A CUP OF DIPPING BUTTER ON THE SIDE.
IT'S KETO! IT'S GOTTEN SO BAD THAT THE
AMOUNT OF BUTTER IN THE COLD- STORAGE FACILITIES IS AT ITS
LOWEST SINCE 2017. WELL, OF COURSE, WE ALL REMEMBER
HOW HOT BUTTER WAS IN 2017, WHEN "MOONLIGHT" WAS BEATEN FOR
BEST PICTURE BY "LA LA LAND O' LAKES."
( LAUGHTER )
IT'S THE OTHER WAY AROUND. MEANWHILE, DRAMA AT THE
MARTINSVILLE SPEEDWAY THIS WEEKEND, WHERE RACE CAR MAN
ANDREW GRADY GOT MAD AT ANOTHER RACE CAR MAN AND WENT BALLISTIC
ON HIM RIGHT THERE ON THE TRACK UNTIL HE WAS REMOVED VIA
HUMAN BABY BJORN. GUY CUT HIM OFF IN TRAFFIC, IS
WHAT HAPPENED, CUT HIM OFF. TRIED TO TAKE A LEFT TURN FROM
THE RIGHT LANE ON MAPLE STREET BEE THE ARBEASE.
CAN'T DO THAT. THEY HAVE THAT SIGN THERE, "NO
LEFT TURN."
NEWS. WHICH IS GOOD, BECAUSE BABIES
ARE SO FAT.
TASTE OF KALE MAKES UNBORN BABIES GRIMACE.
( LAUGHTER )
GRIMACES WHEN THEY EAT KALE? BORN BABIES.
ACCORDING TO REPORTS, WHILE TESTING THE EFFECTS OF MOTHERS'
DIETS ON THEIR CHILDREN, "RESEARCHERS HAVE OBSERVED
FETUSES MAKING A CRYING EXPRESSION WHEN EXPOSED TO THE
GREENS IN THE WOMB. WHO IS FUNDING THAT RESEARCH?
( AS TWO SCIENTISTS )
CANCER? NO.
DIABETES? NO.
OOH! WHAT ABOUT MAKING FETUSES CRY BY
SERVING THEM SALAD?"
MEANWHILE, META C.E.O. MARK ZUCKERBERG HAS TAKEN UP M.M.A.,
OR MIXED MARTIAL ARTS, TRAINING. AND BECAUSE THERE IS A GOD, WE
HAVE VIDEO. HERE IS ZUCK BRINGIN' THE PAIN:
>> NICE! NICE!
NICE! AGAIN.
GO! >> Stephen: I SWEAR TO GOD, I
THINK THEY WERE MAKING THEIR OWN FIGHT NOISES.
OH, NO! OH, NO, HE'S ATTACKING HIM ON A
HORSE! NOW, NOW THEY'RE FIGHTING IN THE
RAIN! NOW THEY'RE FIGHTING IN THE
RAIN! OH, NO.
ONE OF THEM FELL INTO A BOTTOMLESS PIT.
( SLIDE WHISTLE ) ( SLIDE WHISTLE )
( SLIDE WHISTLE ) ( LAUGHTER )
TO CLOSE WHEN IT GOT COVERED IN COORS LIGHT BEER AFTER A SEMI
CRASH. WHAT A SHAME TO WASTE SO MUCH
DELICIOUS HIGHWAY. MEANWHILE, IN RAPPER PENIS
NEWS, CURTIS JACKSON-- A.K.A. 50 CENT-- IS SUING A MIAMI SPA
FOR ALLEGEDLY SUGGESTING HE HAD PENIS SURGERY.
ACCORDING TO HIS LAWYERS, "JACKSON NEVER HAD SUCH A
SEXUAL-ENHANCEMENT PROCEDURE." FOR HIS PART, CURTIS HAS
RELEASED A NEW SONG COMPLETELY REPUDIATING THE OUTRAGEOUS
CLAIM. JIM?
>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH SIGOURNEY WEAVER.
♪ ♪ ♪