Who would like to play Send To All?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Please welcome one of the funniest and,
more importantly for Send To All, one of the most popular men in showbiz.
It's the sensational and wonderful - what an absolute pleasure to have him here -
it's Alan Carr.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh, my God, Alan. How are you?
I'm so nervous. I've never been so nervous. I'm so sorry, I know.
AUDIENCE MEMBER SHOUTS ENCOURAGEMENT
Thanks, love, thanks. Everybody has a great time doing it.
Who are you here with tonight? With Paul, Angellica and Michael.
Paul, Angellica and Michael, what about that?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You two have recently wed, is that right?
Yes, we got married. Yes. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Congratulations.
Was I on the reserve list? Was there a reserve list?
HE LAUGHS This is awkward!
There's normally a...
It was very intimate, it was very intimate.
And obviously, Adele, Adele got ordained and married us.
And she paid for it all. Did she? Yes.
So, this was in Vegas? Was it in Vegas? No, in LA.
In her back garden. Oh, amazing.
Yeah, next to a trampoline and a patio heater. It was lovely.
She's got a small place. Well, very many congratulations.
And you've got a new dog? Yeah, we rescued a dog from Korea.
Right. And how are your other dogs? Oh, Bev and Joyce, they are great.
They're really nice. They hate the new dog, though.
They're like... Oh, that's always a problem.
I don't think they speak Korean. That's the problem.
Right. You know, I actually did go on to YouTube,
because the dog wasn't listening to me.
So, I did learn some. Like, anjda is sit.
So I go, anjda.
Still didn't take no notice. Anyway, listen, I tried my best.
So, being away from your phone... Oh!
Have you ever been away from it? No, no, no.
The thing is with my phone, because I used to work in a call centre,
I hate speaking on the phone.
I hate it. I have a pathological fear.
I can almost feel the headset tightening round my head.
You don't like speaking on the phone?
No, I pretend I'm going into tunnels.
Cos I spent like five, six years...
What were you selling in the call centre? No, I was...
SING-SONG VOICE: Barclaycard lost and stolen. Still got it.
OK, well, if you'd like to place...
Woohoo, this is killing me.
He's sweating. I am sweating.
You don't like the phone anyway.
This is going to be career-destroying, and I could end up on a register.
If you want to pop your mobile phone into the cushion there.
Huge hand for Alan for putting himself through this.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I will just wind this.
MUSIC: Hung Up by Madonna
Yeah.
# Waiting for your call Baby night and day
# I'm fed up
# I'm tired of waiting on you... #
There we go, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you, Alan. Thank you, thank you. I'll look after it.
This should pop up there. And there it is.
It's Alan Carr's phone, ladies and gentlemen.
That's your phone.
And there is lovely Paul, hanging in his leopard-skin jammies.
Let's have a little bit of a look around. So, oh... This is...
That's Bev and Joyce in Lincoln, having a little drink in a trough.
Which you can see. I don't know why I'm explaining.
Having a bit of a trough drink.
Oh... This is...
LAUGHTER What's this, Alan?
I was at the zoo. I'm the one on the left.
LAUGHTER
Whoa! OK...
Getting ready to walk the dogs? LAUGHTER
This needs an explanation. It was a sketch I was dressed up as.
Yeah. Erm...whoa.
Jabba the Hutt and...?
Yeah, someone made a cake cos they thought I looked like Jabba the Hutt.
OK, there's too many fun photos in here, but we've got...
Whoa, OK. LAUGHTER
All right. OK.
Goodness me! LAUGHTER
Stop it now. I'm going to stop it.
No-one wants to see that. OK, we'll stop.
Let's pop the text in.
Wonderful news.
What a lovely start.
Bev and Joyce have announced...
..through a dog whisperer...
LAUGHTER
..that they want to be married...
LAUGHTER
..in a civil partnership.
LAUGHTER
Very sweet. It's a really sweet start.
Adele has agreed...
LAUGHTER
..to give Joyce away...
..and we would be honoured...
Oh, no.
LAUGHTER ..if you'd walk Bev down the aisle.
No, no, no!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
No way!
Don't worry, we will supply poo bags.
Guests will eat from dog bowls...
LAUGHTER
Oh...
..and there will be a DJ set by Snoop Dogg.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Let me know if you're up for it,
and if you have any other ideas
to make this the wedding of the century.
OK. Just to encourage people, "Don't hold back, Hello are paying."
We're more OK. OK? OK.
We're more Take A Break, to be honest.
OK. OK are paying. Yeah, they're... Yeah, yeah.
How would you end a text?
Just a kiss. I always put a kiss.
You'd just put a kiss? Always a kiss.
I'm just going to put dog. Yeah.
And then we'll go for a big heart there. Yeah, a heart, yeah.
And then the brides. OK.
Shall we send that, ladies and gentlemen?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK. That has gone.
Huge thank you to the incredible Alan Carr.
Earlier tonight...
Hi, Alan.
..I sent a text, and we have been inundated.
Inundated.
OK, so, this is the text that we sent out earlier.
READS MESSAGE
That was sent out to everybody in your phone.
Let's have a look at what happened.
So, we'll start, I think, Alan, with Auntie Janice.
Oh, no...
Quick reply back.
"How lovely. But aren't they sisters?"
LAUGHTER
That's true. That's true.
Good old Auntie Janice.
Jamie Redknapp. Jamie Redknapp has gone, "Snoop Doggy Dogg is going?
"Count me in, Al." Two thumbs up emojis.
"Do I really have to walk the dog in, though, mate?
"Bit weird, isn't it? To be honest, Adele is proper is A-list.
"Might need an upgrade on me."
Aw! I'll text him back. "Is your dad available?"
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Sorry, Jamie.
"Is your dad free?" No, you're not sending that.
No, no.
Oh, no, no...
No, I'm not. I'm not.
LAUGHTER
OK. Antony Cotton. Antony Cotton?
Yes, yes, yes. From Corrie.
"Count me in. Will I be expected to walk on all fours?
"Will the vicar be wearing a dog collar? Nice.
"PS, have you finished decorating?
"Can I have my wallpapering table back?"
LAUGHTER
Have you still got that?
A what? Did he lend you a wallpapering table? No.
He's got the wrong... He's got the wrong person. He's got the wrong person.
He lives in Manchester. Why would I borrow his?
I'm sure I can get one in London, can't I?
Who's Andreas Wild?
Andreas, yeah. He's this German hairdresser. He talks like zis.
A German hairdresser called Andreas?
I know, who'd have thought it? You couldn't make it up.
Wunderbar, wunderbar.
CAMP GERMAN ACCENT: OK, so he started with, "Oh, my God!"
That's just like him.
Is it? It's actually brilliant.
Andreas says, "Oh, my God...
"I'm already planning my outfit."
LAUGHTER
That's so Andreas. And there's more.
"Yes, I will do their hair. And Sebastian..."
Who's Sebastian? It's his partner. Of course, it is!
Andreas and Sebastian from ze Germany.
"..and Sebastian is making a Frankfurter cake."
LAUGHTER
"Huge congratulations."
And then he sent another text, going, "This is so exciting.
"I just told everyone in Germany."
LAUGHTER
He says, "I just told everyone in Germany, where I am at the moment.
"Well, no-one knows who you are, but they're very happy for you, anyway."
LAUGHTER
Oh, my God, Andreas and Sebastian.
Oh, no...
Oh, this is... This is brilliant, from Chris Moyles.
This one from Chris Moyles just says, "Send my love to Michael."
So, he obviously knows what's going on.
"I guess you're on his show, as you haven't texted me since 2013."
LAUGHTER
Sebastian? Is that Andreas's partner?
That's the one, he's the one making the frankfurter cake.
Oh...
"Happy to, love, but..."
Oh, this is brilliant. This is really funny.
"Happy to, love, but I do feel for the bridesmaid downwind of Bev."
He has a point.
She does smell a bit.
Oh, Phillip Schofield. Go on, Schof.
Aww, that's nice.
"I'd love to. Why don't we hold the wedding in Hyde Park?
"Then you can drink tequila and fall headfirst into the Serpentine...
"..again." LAUGHTER
Did that happen before? Yeah.
I drank tequila with him on Chatty Man,
and then, you know, I was walking the dogs the morning after,
and the dog dropped the ball into the Serpentine,
and I bent to pick it up, but I think all the tequila went
to the front of my head, and I just fell in.
LAUGHTER
And you know, on the news, when the dog jumps in to help you?
The dogs just stood there staring.
It was embarrassing.
GLASWEGIAN ACCENT: Bridge-o, Kevin Bridges.
Kevin Bridges. "Great news, Aldo. About time, too.
"The chemistry between those two was frightening.
"Love at first bum sniff.
"I'd be honoured to walk Bev down the aisle.
"You should invite Sir Kenny Dogleash,
"the Super Furry Animals.
Congratulations, mate.
"Hopefully some granddogs on the way.
"Woof, woof, brother."
Who better to get the doggie text than Paul O'Grady,
ladies and gentlemen? Aw! Paul.
AS PAUL: "Well, I've heard it all now.
"But, yes, I'd be delighted."
I can't do his voice, can I? Liverpool, it's a bit Liverpool.
"I'd be delighted to do the honours.
"If you need a bridesmaid, I'll bring Conchita.
"I'll wear my Indian wedding gear, full turban and sash.
"Wish the happy couple congratulations from me."
Very sweet, very sweet.
Paul... Paul O'Grady gets a well-deserved...
For The Love Of Dogs. Yes.
APPLAUSE
Kerry Katona has texted.
Four crying laughing emojis. "Love it.
"Don't..." LAUGHS
"Don't you think I've been up that bloody aisle enough?"
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Ladies and gentlemen, a truly sensationally hilarious Send To All,
the fantastic Alan Carr, ladies and gentlemen.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Absolutely brilliant.