WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
IS EERVE YOU SOUND GOOD.
YOU PEOPLE SOUND GOOD.
IS EVERYBODY OKAY TONIGHT?
>> YEAH!
>> Stephen: I'M GLAD TO HEAR THAT, THIS CORONAVIRUS, JON,
IT'S MAKING PEOPLE ANXIOUS.
PEOPLE ARE REALLY NERVOUS.
BUT AT A TIME LIKE THIS, WE ALL NEED TO LAUGH AND TO BE
TOGETHER...
FROM A DISTANCE OF ABOUT 20 FEET, SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
QUICK PROGRAMMING NOTE, STARTING ON MONDAY-- AND THIS IS TRUE--
OUT OF AN ABUNDANCE OF CAUTION, "THE LATE SHOW"" ALONG WITH ALL
THE OTHER LATE-NIGHT SHOWS IN NEW YORK CITY WILL GO WITHOUT
AUDIENCES-- ( BOOING )
SEE YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO DO THAT ON MONDAY.
WE'RE GOING TOO THIS FOR THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE, SO YOU
PEOPLE, THIS AUDIENCE TONIGHT, YOU'RE ONE OF THE LAST AUDIENCES
I WILL HAVE.
YOU ARE ALL COLLECTOR'S ITEMS.
HAVE YOURSELVES NOTARIZED.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OKAY.
AND AS COLLECTOR'S ITEMS-- AND THIS IS IMPORTANT-- UNTIL THIS
IS OVER, STAY IN YOUR ORIGINAL PACKAGING, OR ELSE YOU LOSE ALL
YOUR VALUE.
I'LL GIVE YOU THE LATEST ON THE CORONAVIRUS IN MY PLEASE LET IT
BE OVER SOON SEGMENT, "GOIN' VIRAL."
>> THIS IS GONNA BE SICK, YO!
UP TOP!
>> Stephen: THERE ARE NOW--
I AM NOT GOING TO MISS HIM.
THERE ARE NOW OVER 1,000 CASES OF THE CORONAVIRUS IN THE UNITED
STATES, AND THIS AFTERNOON, THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION
DECLARED CORONAVIRUS A PANDEMIC.
AND CONGRESS GOT AN UPDATE FROM INFECTIOUS DISEASE EXPERT AND
NICE DOCTOR YOUR MOM FLIRTS WITH, ANTHONY FAUCI.
DR. FAUCI HAS BEEN ONE OF THE MAIN VOICES FROM THE
ADMINISTRATION ON CORONAVIRUS, WHICH IS WHY HE WAS CALLED TO
TESTIFY IN FRONT OF THE HOUSE OVERSIGHT COMMITTEE.
AND FAUCI STRUCK A POSITIVE NOTE WHEN HE ANSWERED A QUESTION
ABOUT HOW MANY AMERICANS MIGHT BE AFFECTED.
>> I CAN'T GIVE YOU A REALISTIC NUMBER UNTIL WE PUT INTO THE
FACTOR OF HOW WE RESPOND.
IF WE ARE COMPLACENT AND DON'T DO REALLY AGGRESSIVE CONTAINMENT
AND MITIGATION, THE NUMBER COULD GO WAY UP AND BE INVOLVED IN
MANY, MANY MILLIONS.
>> Stephen: TO BE CLEAR, HE'S NOT SAYING MILLIONS WILL DIE,
JUST THAT MILLIONS MIGHT GET IT.
SO TURN THAT FROWN UPSIDE DOWN, THEN DON'T TOUCH YOUR FROWN.
IT'S ON YOUR FACE!
MASSACHUSETTS REPRESENTATIVE STEPHEN LYNCH TOOK FAUCI AND
C.D.C. DIRECTOR REDFIELD TO TASK OVER NOT STANDING UP TO THE
PRESIDENT'S LIES.
>> THE PRESIDENT, ON MARCH 6, TOLD THE PEOPLE IN MY DISTRICT
PUBLICLY THAT THE TESTS WERE READY.
THERE WERE NO TESTS.
ZERO, ZERO.
HE SAID THIS IN FRONT OF SOME OF YOU AT A PUBLIC HEARING, AT A
PRESS CONFERENCE.
AND I SAW NO ONE STEP UP AND SAY, "NO, THE PRESIDENT WASN'T
CORRECT."
WE NEED YOU TO STEP UP.
WE REALLY NEED HONESTY HERE.
AND WHEN THE PRESIDENT IS MAKING STATEMENTS LIKE THIS, WE NEED
PUSHBACK FROM THE PUBLIC HEALTH OFFICIALS.
YOU KNOW, STANDING BEHIND HIM AND NODDING SILENTLY, OR AN
EYEROLL ONCE IN A WHILE, IS NOT GOING TO GET IT.
>> Stephen: HOLD ON.
ANYONE WHO DOESN'T THINK AN EYEROLL IS ENOUGH HAS NEVER HAD
A TEENAGE DAUGHTER.
( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: MY GOODNESS.
>> Stephen: LAST NIGHT, THE WHITE HOUSE'S CORONAVIRUS TASK
FORCE HELD AN EMERGENCY PRESS BRIEFING, AND DR. FAUCI
EMPHASIZED THAT DAILY LIFE IS ABOUT TO CHANGE.
>> YOU HAVE TO START TAKING SERIOUSLY WHAT YOU CAN DO NOW,
THAT IF AND WHEN THE INFECTIONS WILL COME-- AND THEY WILL COME,
SORRY TO SAY, SAD TO SAY, THEY WILL.
WE WOULD LIKE THE COUNTRY TO REALIZE THAT AS A NATION, WE
CAN'T BE DOING THE KINDS OF THINGS WE WERE DOING A FEW
MONTHS AGO.
>> Stephen: BUT I WANT TO!
( LAUGHTER )
IT WAS THE HOLIDAYS!
I WAS DRUNK ON EGGNOG!
I WAS WATCHING "CHEER."
I WAS FALLING IN LOVE WITH BABY YODA!
I WAS LOOKING FORWARD-- I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO IMPEACHING
THE PRESIDENT.
REMEMBER THAT FEELING?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BOLTON'S GOING TO TESTIFY, AND THE SENATE'S GOING TO DO THE
RIGHT THING!
IT'S ONLY MARCH, AND 2020 HAS DONE THE IMPOSSIBLE: MADE ME
NOSTALGIC FOR 2019.
NOW EARLIER IN THE BRIEFING, WE HEARD FROM TASK FORCE LEADER AND
MAN WHO HAS QUARANTINED HIS MIND FROM KNOWLEDGE--
( LAUGHTER )
HE ADDRESSED A GROWING CONCERN FOR AMERICANS: THE COST OF
TESTING AND TREATMENT.
>> ALL OF OUR MAJOR HEALTH INSURANCE COMPANIES HAVE NOW
JOINED WITH MEDICARE AND MEDICAID AND AGREED TO WAIVE ALL
COPAYS, COVER THE COST OF ALL TREATMENT FOR THOSE THAT
CONTRACT THE CORONAVIRUS.
>> Stephen: WHAT A COOL IDEA!
IT'S LIKE MEDICARE BUT...
FOR ALL.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT'S REALLY-- THAT WOULD BE KIND OF COOL.
THAT MIGHT BE-- THAT MIGHT BE-- HOW DID HE THINK OF THAT?
>> Jon: I LIKE THAT!
>> Stephen: HOW DID HE THINK OF THAT?
SECRETARY OF HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES AND TED CRUZ COSPLAYER,
ALEX AZAR, HAD SOME CONFUSING ADVICE.
>> Reporter: PRESIDENT TRUMP SAID ON FRIDAY THAT ANYONE WHO
WANTS TO GET TESTED CAN GET TESTED.
>> IF THEIR DOCTOR-- WE'VE ALWAYS BEEN CLEAR: IF THEIR
DOCTOR OR PUBLIC HEALTH PHYSICIAN BELIEVES THEY NEED TO
BE TESTED, IT NEEDS TO ALWAYS BE CLINICALLY INDICATED
TO GET A TEST.
SO IT'S A FALSE PREMISE.
GO TO YOUR DOCTOR-- ACTUALLY DON'T GO TO YOUR DOCTOR.
CALL YOUR DOCTOR'S OFFICE FIRST.
>> Stephen: (AS AZAR) "ACTUALLY, DON'T CALL.
THEY'RE VERY BUSY.
WRITE YOUR DOCTOR A LETTER, BUT DON'T SEND IT, BECAUSE YOU
SHOULDN'T LICK STAMPS.
MAYBE JUST TRY EATING SOME RAW GARLIC.
WAIT, NO, THAT'S FOR VAMPIRES.
THE ONE THING I CAN SAY FOR SURE IS DO NOT ASK ME FOR ADVICE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
DAILY LIFE--
>> Jon: I'M GOOD.
I'M STAYING HEALTHY.
>> Stephen: 10 OUT OF 10, POPS?
>> Jon: 10 OUT OF 10, POPS.
>> Stephen: DAILY LIFE IS CHANGING.
FOR INSTANCE, TO COMBAT THE CORONAVIRUS, HARVARD WANTS
STUDENTS TO MOVE OUT IN FIVE DAYS.
SO, FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HISTORY, HARVARD IS NOW YOUR
SAFETY SCHOOL.
( LAUGHTER )
STUDENTS FROM MAINE'S BOWDOIN COLLEGE WON'T RETURN TO CAMPUS
AFTER SPRING BREAK.
IT'S TO PROTECT THE STUDENTS, ESPECIALLY THE SCHOOL'S MOST
POPULAR FRATERNITY PHI CATCHA VIRUS.
( LAUGHTER )
BROTHERS.
WE HAVE A VERY SIMPLE SECRET HANDSHAKE.
( LAUGHTER )
NO ONE'S PLEDGING THIS YEAR.
BUT THE EXTENDED BREAK DOESN'T MEAN THE COUNTRY'S TURNING INTO
PARTY CENTRAL.
IN FACT, FLORIDA SPRING BREAK TOURISM IS NOW IN QUESTION AMID
THE SPREAD OF THE CORONAVIRUS.
SO SPRING BREAK ESTABLISHMENTS ARE TAKING EXTRA PRECAUTIONS
THIS YEAR.
SENIOR FROG'S JUST INTRODUCED THEIR PURELL T-SHIRT CONTEST.
( LAUGHTER )
HAS CANCELLED A CORONAVIRUS CONFERENCE BECAUSE OF THE
CORONAVIRUS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THAT WAS A SURPRISE.
SOMETHING-- >> Jon: ISN'T THAT SOMETHING?
>> Stephen: SOMETHING OF A SURPRISE.
IN RELATED NEWS, THE INTERNATIONAL IRONY FESTIVAL
IS GOING AHEAD AS PLANNED.
( LAUGHTER )
THE CORONAVIRUS IS ALSO AFFECTING THE 2020 RACE.
LAST NIGHT, WE FOUND OUT THAT SUNDAY'S DEBATE BETWEEN
JOE BIDEN AND BERNIE SANDERS IN PHOENIX WILL BE HELD WITHOUT AN
AUDIENCE, WHICH IS WHY CNN HAS ALREADY REDONE THE PROPOSALOZE.
JIM.
>> BERNIE VRLS BIDEN, TWO OLD MEN, ONE SILENT ROOM.
WHO.
WILL.
NOD.
OFF PD FIRST.
( SNORING )
>> Stephen: I'LL WATCH IT.
I WILL WATCH THAT.
PLACE YOUR BETS NOW!
ONE SECTOR OF THE ECONOMY THAT'S BEING HIT ESPECIALLY HARD WITH
CANCELLATIONS IS THE TRAVEL INDUSTRY.
BECAUSE OF REDUCED DEMAND, AIRLINES COULD LOSE
$113 BILLION.
THAT IS ALMOST ENOUGH TO PAY FOR THREE CHECKED BAGGING ON UNITED.
MAKING MATTERS WORSE, AT AN AIRPORT IN CALIFORNIA, THREE
T.S.A. AGENTS JUST TESTED POSITIVE FOR CORONAVIRUS.
THAT'S NOT GOOD.
( AS T.S.A. AGENT )
OKAY, GREAT, I'M GOING TO TOUCH EVERY SINGLE ITEM IN IT.
IS THIS YOUR SANDWICH?
GREAT, THAT'S GOOD TO GO.
YOU CAN EAT THAT.
BUT THIS HAND SANITIZER, THAT'S LIQUID.
IN THE TRASH IT GOES.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
THERE YOU GO.
( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS )
ALL RIGHT.
COME HERE.
OKAY.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THAT FACE OF YOURS.
ANOTHER GOOD, GOOD, NICE FIRM EYEBALLS.
THAT'S GOOD.
THAT TONGUE'S NICE AND MOIST.
TELL YOU WHAT, I'M GOING TO HAND YOU OFF TO MY ASSOCIATE, DALE.
I'M FEELING A LITTLE...
I'M GETTING CHILLS.
BEFORE YOU GO, JUST LET ME CUP YER...
YEAH, YEAH.
YOU'RE GOOD.
THAT'S LESS THAN THREE OUNCES.
"
ONE GROUP ISN'T TOO WORRIED, THOUGH, BECAUSE YOUNG PEOPLE ARE
CAPITALIZING ON CHEAP CORONAVIRUS FLIGHTS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
RIGHT?
YOUNG PEOPLE ARE FINE, SUPPOSEDLY?
I DON'T KNOW.
ONE COLLEGE STUDENT TAKING A CHEAP FLIGHT TO NEW YORK TOLD
REPORTERS, "I FEEL LIKE IF THE CORONAVIRUS WOULD GET EVEN
MORE SERIOUS AND, LIKE, WIPE OUT A LARGE AMOUNT OF PEOPLE, I
MIGHT AS WELL BE SOMEWHERE HAVING FUN."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SELF-QUARANTINE, SHE'LL BE TAKING PICTURES IN TIMES SQUARE.
I HAVE SOME TERRIBLE NEWS: TIMES SQUARE IS NOT FUN, UNLESS YOU
HAVE A FETISH FOR PEOPLE IN URINE-SOAKED ELMO COSTUMES.
ONE GUY-- ONE GUY WHO JUST BOOKED A CRUISE TOLD REPORTERS
THA HE DOESN'T BELIEVE THE CORONAVIRUS IS A HOAX.
HE DOESN'T THINK FEARS OF IT ARE OVERHYPED.
AND HIS GIRLFRIEND TRIED TO CONVINCE HIM IT WAS A BAD IDEA.
IT'S YOUR TYPICAL BOYFRIEND-GIRLFRIEND DYNAMIC.
( AS BOYFRIEND )
LAST WEEK, WE WENT TO THAT ART IN THE PARK THING YOU WANTED TO
DO, SO THIS WEEK, WE GO ON THE DEATH SHIP.
IT'S FAIR."
HERE IN NEW YORK, OFFICIALS ARE RAMPING UP THE CORONAVIRUS
RESPONSE.
YESTERDAY, ORGANIZERS CANCELLED THE NEW YORK CITY HALF MARATHON.
NO WORD ON WHETHER THEY'RE GOING TO CANCEL THE SECOND HALF.
( LAUGHTER )
PROTECT COMMUTERS, ANNOUNCING A PLAN TO DOUBLE
CORONAVIRUS-RELATED CLEANINGS OF NEW YORK CITY SUBWAYS.
( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH.
DOUBLE!
DOUBLE.
>> Jon: THEY'RE GOING TO DOUBLE IT UP.
>> Stephen: SO TWICE A YEAR.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT!
MR. HANK AZARIA IS HERE.
WHEN WE RETURN THERE'S MORE MONOLOGUE.
THERE'S JUST TOO MUCH TO TALK BMY FRIENDS.
STICK AROUND.