-Today is Friday, and that's usually
when I catch up on some personal stuff.
You know, I check my inbox, I return some e-mails,
and I, of course, send out thank-you notes.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Wow. -Feels good to hear applause.
We haven't heard that in a year. That's amazing.
-Wow! -Thank you, guys.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I was running a bit behind today.
-Really? -Yeah.
So I was getting -- -Why's that?
-Well, remember all those tattoos I got removed?
-Yeah. -I'm reapplying them.
-Are you serious? -Yeah, I second-guessed it.
-Really? -Yeah.
So I spent all day doing that.
And I forgot to write out my thank-you notes.
So I was just wondering, can I write it out right now?
Do you guys mind? [ Cheers and applause ]
I appreciate that.
James, can I get some thank you note writing music, please?
♪♪
-Okay. -Wow.
-He's just Zooming in. That's not even James.
-Wow. -I think his picture froze.
-He looks great. [ Laughter ]
-You know it feels good to be here for this.
-What's that? [ Music stops ]
[ Laughter ] -I haven't been here all year.
This is the first time in a year I've seen you --
-Yeah, you were waiting, and I was about to do it.
-You guys are working. I had to be at home,
hanging out. -Yep, I understood.
-Goofing off. -But then here it is.
-But you guys held the fort down, yeah.
Glad it's here. -Wow.
-Just, thank you. I love you.
I'm glad I'm here. That's all.
-All right, man. You know what?
[ Applause ]
It's all about timing, you know? -Yeah, it is.
[ Laughter ]
'Cause my heart, just -- You know what I mean?
It's, like -- It feels good to see you.
It feels good to see The Roots. Feels good to see an audience.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. [ Cheers and applause ]
-Go ahead. I can't wait to hear these.
-Feels good to see you.
-Yeah, I can't wait to hear these.
-You can't wait, yeah. It's about to happen.
-Well, I love them. They're my favorite part of the show.
-Yeah. Well, here it is, right here for you.
♪♪ -I also love --
[ Laughter ] -Many things --
There's many things that we could do.
-I love many things. But go ahead, you go ahead.
-I just want to talk to the control room,
see if we can turn your microphone off.
[ Laughter ]
They said yes.
-[ Imitating mic cutting out ] I --o --ove it.
-All right. [ Laughter ]
-My mic wasn't... [ Laughter ]
-I was doing a bit. I was doing a bit.
I was doing a bit, pretending my mic was cut.
'Cause, you know what the most important thing --
This is the only -- This is the last thing I'm gonna do.
This is the lesson I learned through all of this
whole horrible, all of the stuff,
all the horrible things were happening,
the people -- the best to me.
That's all. -Your mic cut out.
That was a beautiful thing you just said.
-Yeah, go ahead. I'm good.
-Oh, that was -- I wish we had the microphone on.
-Oh, what's that? [ Laughter ]
♪♪
-Thank you, Biden's press conference,
for feeling like going to a Yanni concert
after four years of listening to Slipknot.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Oh. -I like Yanni.
-Come on.
♪♪
-Thank you, "Godzilla vs. Kong," for giving vaccinated couples
the ultimate reason to go out,
watching two hours of a different couple fighting.
[ Applause ]
"It's not us!" -"Not us, baby."
-"It's not us. That's all that matters."
♪♪
Thank you, giant ship blocking the Suez Canal,
for causing flashbacks for anyone that's had
to move a couch into a New York City apartment.
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
You know what I'm talking about.
-My fingers. -"What if we move it this way?"
-"Flip it like an L! Flip it like an L!"
♪♪
-Thank you, Pepsi's new Peeps-flavored soda,
for turning "Is Pepsi okay?"
into, "No, seriously, is Pepsi, like, okay?"
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Mmm. Yellow can.
-Did you get that? -I got it.
-What'd you think? Okay.
-Eh... [ Laughter ]
-Never mind. -Eh...
[ Laughter ]
-They can't all be winners. You know what I mean?
-You talking about the jokes or the soda?
-Everything.
[ Laughter ]
If everybody's a winner --
Somebody's gotta watch the parade.
That's all I'm saying. You know what I mean?
Every joke can't be a winner. Every soda can't be a winner.
Go ahead. [ Laughter ]
-That joke was pretty good. -Yeah, I loved it.
-Is it your favorite? -I'm just saying,
as a general note, all things can't win.
Somebody's got to be number two. You know what I'm saying?
[ Laughter ]
-Why would you point to me when you said "number two"?
-No reason. [ Laughter ]
-I don't want to point any fingers, but, uh...
[ Laughter ]
-You have three pointing back at you.
-Every finger's pointing at me. -You have 10 fingers?
-Wow. -Two thumbs.
-Two thumbs.
♪♪
-Thank you, Joe Biden supporting universal pre-k,
although I'm pretty sure it's just so that
you'll have somewhere to leave Pete Buttiegieg
between 9:00 and 3:00.
[ Applause ]
He's young. -He's just a young man.
-He's a young man. -He's a young man.
-Don't judge. -Come on.
♪♪
Thank you, spring, for introducing us all
to the fun new game, allergies or COVID?
[ Laughter and applause ]
-"That's it -- I got it!" -"I got COVID.
What do I do?" -"Scratchy throat, yes."
-Don't go to WebMD!
Oh, my gosh, I'm gonna die.
♪♪
Thank you, spring cleaning. I can't wait to clean my house
and wipe down every surface after spending a full year
cleaning my house and wiping down every surface.
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
Oh, dude, you can do your best impression.
-Oh, yeah. [ Imitating spray bottle ]
-A Windex bottle. -Ready? Do it.
-Ready?
-[ Imitating spray bottle ]
[ Imitating window squeaking ]
[ Imitating spray bottle ]
[ Imitating window squeaking ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Imitating birds chirping ]
[ Imitating gunshot ]
[ Imitating bird falling ]
Pbht!
[ Laughter ] -Man...
-It's been a while. -Yeah, well...
-Steve Higgins, everybody. -It's been a while!
Come on! We're back!
-For your consideration, Emmy voters.
[ Laughter ] Right?
[ Laughter ]
-Any voters. -Any voters.
♪♪
Thank you, firing up the grill the first time this season,
for reminding me that I meant to clean the grill last September.
[ Applause ]
"Eh, it'll burn off."
"That makes it taste better."
-"You need the grill, you need the soot,
you need the grease."
-"That makes the burger taste better."
-"Without it, it's just propane."
-"That's like eating -- I'd rather eat nothing."
[ Laughter ]
"I'd rather starve myself." -"I'd rather starve myself
than eat off a -- A guy who eats off
a clean grill --" -"Is a real idiot."
-"Yeah. Is no good in my book.
Might as well kick him in the cojones."
[ Laughter ]
-"That's what I would do. If someone tried to cook me
a clean burger on a clean grill..."
-"Right." -"I'd kick that person
in the cojones."
-"It's the only logical thing to do!"
-"Exactly." -"You got logic on your side.
You got mathematics, you got logic,
you got everything on your side
telling you you're in the right."
-"I'm so happy you're my neighbor."
-"Me too! I'm so glad we live in this --
in this shipping container in the back of the Walmart.
I love it." -I think it's --
[ Laughter ]
-It's been a year! Come on, man.
Little rusty. -Little rusty.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
-Thank you, matzah, or as I call you, swole saltines.
There you have it, everybody! Those are my thank-you notes!