>>> IT'S WEEKEND UPDATE WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.
>>> JUDGE BRETT KAVANAUGH AND DR. CHRISTINE BLASEY FORD
APPEARED THURSDAY IN FRONT OF THE SENATE JUDICIARY COMMITTEE.
IT WAS A CLASSIC DEBATE OF SHE SAID, SHE YELLED.
THIS AND HIS TESTIMONY, I GUESS KAVANAUGH THOUGHT THE HEARING
WAS ABOUT WHETHER HE WAS COOL IN HIGH SCHOOL.
>> WE DRANK BEER. I LIKED BEER.
STILL LIKE BEER. I WORKED OUT WITH OTHER GUYS AT
TOBIN'S HOUSE. WE DRANK BEER, WE LIKED BEER.
WORKING OUT, LIFTING WEIGHTS. JUST TO MEET UP AND HAVE SOME
BEERS. >> I GOT TO SAY, YOU'RE NOT
REALLY HELPING YOURSELF IN A DRUNKEN ASSAULT CASE WHEN YOU
YELL ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU LIKED DRINKING AND HOW STRONG YOU WERE
AT THE TIME. PRETTY MUCH THE ONLY ONES WHO
KEPT THEIR COMPOSURE IN THE ENTIRE HEARING WERE THE WOMAN
BEING QUESTIONED AND THE WOMEN REPUBLICANS HAD TO HIRE TO TALK
TO THE WOMAN BEING QUESTIONED. NOW, I KNOW ON AN OPTICS LEVEL,
I UNDERSTAND WHY THE REPUBLICANS DID THAT.
BUT IF YOU'RE NOT THE RIGHT PERSON TO ASK QUESTIONS AT A
SENATE HEARING, MAYBE YOU'RE NOT THE RIGHT PERSON TO BE A
SENATOR. >> I JUST WANT TO REMIND
EVERYBODY THAT ALL THAT YELLING AND CRYING HAPPENED AT A JOB
INTERVIEW. I MEAN TYPICALLY WHEN YOU'RE
ASKED ABOUT A SEXUAL ASSAULT AND YOUR DRINKING PROBLEM AT JOB
INTERVIEW, YOU DON'T GET THE DAMN JOB.
I DON'T KNOW IF MR. KAVANAUGH HAS A HISTORY OF ASSAULT OR IF
HE ACTUALLY HAS A DRINKING PROBLEM.
BUT I DO KNOW THAT HE MIGHT. AND YOU SHOULDN'T BE ON THE
SUPREME COURT IF YOU MIGHT. I MEAN YOU SHOULDN'T BE ON THE
PEOPLE'S COURT IF YOU MIGHT. SOMETIMES MIGHT IS ENOUGH.
OKAY? LIKE YOU CAN'T BOARD A PLANE IF
YOU MIGHT BE A TERRORIST. WE CAN'T HAVE SEX IF YOU MIGHT
HAVE DATED CHARLIE SHEEN. >> AND THEN, OF COURSE, THERE
ARE HIS CALENDARS. YOU KNOW, I HAVE TO SAY, IF YOU
HAVE CALENDARS FROM 1982, IT DOES NOT JUST PROVE YOU'RE
INNOCENT. IT DOES PROVE YOU'RE A HOARDER,
YOU KNOW WHEN MOST PEOPLE THROW OUT THEIR CALENDARS FROM 1982?
1983. ALSO IF YOU'RE DRINKING A BUNCH
AND YOU KEEP A CALENDAR, IT'S PROBABLY TO HELP PIECE TOGETHER
WHAT HAPPENED IN YOUR LIFE. HE KEPT A CALENDAR THE SAME WAY
THE GUY IN "MOMENTO" GOT TATTOOS.
NOW, TO BE FAIR TO JUDGE KAVANAUGH, IT'S INSANE
THAT HE HAS TO ANSWER QUESTIONS ABOUT HIS HIGH SCHOOL YEAR BOOK.
IF YOU LOOKED INTO ANYONE'S HIGH SCHOOL YEAR BOOK, THERE WOULD BE
SOMETHING SUPER EMBARRASSING. LIKE I REGRET THAT MY SENIOR
QUOTE WAS A SMASH MOUTH LYRIC. AND I VERY MUCH REGRET THAT MY
HAIR STYLE WAS "THE RACHEL." BUT IT THEY DO ASK ABOUT YOUR
YEAR BOOK, WHY WOULD YOU LIE? WHICH REMINDS ME THAT DEVIL'S
TRIANGLE IS NOT A DRINKING GAME. BUT SPEAKING OF DRINKING GAMES,
IF YOU TOOK A SHOT FOR EVERY TIME KAVANAUGH LIED ABOUT HIS
YEAR BOOK, YOU'D BE AS DRUNK AS BRETT KAVANAUGH WAS IN THE
SUMMER OF '82. >> YOU KNOW, THESE HEARINGS, I
LEARNED A LOT ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS AT WHITE PREP SCHOOLS.
AND I'M SENDING MY KIDS TO A BLACK SCHOOL WHERE IT'S SAFE.
OF COURSE THIS IS A BIG DEAL. BECAUSE THE SUPREME COURT JUDGE
A LIFETIME JOB AND SADLY THAT'S MORE IMPORTEDANT TO CONGRESS
THAN THE CONCERNS OFF THANKFUL COUNTRY.
KAVANAUGH COULD BE THE DECIDING VOTE ON ISSUES CONCERNING THE
VERY PEOPLE HE MAKES FEEL UNSAFE.
IT WOULD BE LIKE LETTING THE COYOTE DECIDE ON ROAD RUNNER
RIGHTS. ALSO, WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE
HIM? YOU CAN'T JUST PICK ANOTHER DUDE
FROM THE ILLUMINATI LIZARD MEETINGS?
ARE REPUBLICANS SO PRO LIFE THAT YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A PLAN B FOR
THIS? >>> NOW PRESIDENT TRUMP ON
FRIDAY ORDERED THE FBI TO CONDUCT A NEW INVESTIGATION INTO
KAVANAUGH. HE SAID THE FBI SHOULD PROBABLY
DROP EVERYTHING ELSE AND ONLY INVESTIGATE THIS ONE THING
BECAUSE AFTER DR. FORD 'S TESTIMONY IN THIS NEW FBI
INVESTIGATION, KAVANAUGH BASICALLY HAS TWO STRIKES
AGAINST HIM OR AS KAVANAUGH THINKS OF IT, DOSEQUE.