- Okay. This is gonna help people.
- It's gonna be okay. - It is.
- It's gonna be okay.
- I'm just about to get super vulnerable. (sighs)
And these are soothing, Mended Light.
(upbeat music)
All right, welcome to our new series,
it's called Marriage Problems.
We have discovered,
- Do you have marriage problems?
- Yes. (laughs)
- Whaaaat?
Get outta here.
- Not as many as you have being married to me.
- Aw.
(both laughing)
- Here's the thing.
We have discovered that being vulnerable
and real is our greatest superpower.
You've said as much in the comments,
that's why a lot of you join us.
We're gonna take a big step further into that today
because what you see on camera is very real.
We have a lot of genuine affection for each other.
We have a very good friendship.
We've had a lot of struggles in our marriage
and we've had a lot of struggles as partners
in a business together, and,
(Alicia mimics sad trombone)
(both laughing)
(Jono mimics sad trombone)
(sad trombone)
Our friendship is what has helped us to weather struggles
in both of those arenas.
But we have had a lot of conversations about this
and we feel, and our whole purpose is to help.
And reality trumps pretend perfection every time.
And so when mar- - Did you pretend?
- No, no, I'm just saying, like,
when people show up on YouTube and they're like,
look how great our life is,
and look how close our marriage is.
- With the Instagram life, what's it called?
- [Jono] I think it's just hashtag Instagram life.
- [Alicia] Instagram Life, yeah.
- [Jono] Or Insta Life,
- [Alicia] That's total BS. - [Jono] Yeah.
- [Alicia] Nobody has a life that looks like that.
- And so we're gonna be very raw and real and open
about the things that we struggle with out of hopes
that it will help those of you who are watching
who are going through similar struggles or even just
giving you the courage to be real in your lives as well.
And the reason Alicia was comforting me out of the start is
because I take responsibility for a lot of the struggles.
It was a maturity issue on my part.
We're gonna go into a lot of that.
And it's scary for me because I'm here,
I'm on Cinema Therapy, people know me, and I don't want it,
but people, you get put on a pedestal.
- Right.
- And then there's like, and so in my opinion,
sooner or later you come off the pedestal,
either because you fall down or get knocked down,
or you electively take yourself off the pedestal,
which is what I'm going to do.
- You keep climbing down from that pedestal.
- Stop putting me up there.
I'm gonna keep climbing down.
I am very much who I seem to be on these videos.
- Well yeah, it's a dimension.
It's dimension, it's a perspective,
but it's not the only dimension to that.
- There are layers. - Yeah.
- Onions, ogres, Jono, we got layers.
You get it.
- Ogres have layers, onions have layers.
You get it, we both have layers.
(onion hits ground) (Shrek sighs)
- But, and you as well, like,
- Right. - 'Cause it's not just me.
Like you're gonna be talking about your struggles.
You're gonna be talking about - Absolutely.
- Your flaws, your weaknesses.
- And there is absolutely a component of perceived
perfectionism, some of which I'm still working through.
That is not at all the vibe I intend to give off.
But I get asked that a lot of times.
Like, how are you so perfect?
Women, men older than me, my children,
my teenage daughter currently says, well, Mom,
not everybody can be perfect like you.
And I say, I'm not perfect, and I never pretended to be.
And she's like, but it's like you practically are.
Like you just do everything better.
- Like Mary Poppins.
- It's practically perfect in every way.
- Yeah, and it's not true.
Like I just try to be the best version of me, right?
- Yeah, I think it was at about the time that this happened
multiple times where people were interacting with us
and we were just talking about our life,
and we talked about, well, we had this fight
about this, that, or the other.
And people always say the same thing, which is
- Do you fight? - Like, you guys fight?
And we're like, oh, oh yes. (chuckles)
- Oh, we fight. - Oh, we fight,
and then we realize like, oh, if people are surprised,
then maybe we need to step even further into authenticity.
So let's dive in.
- I am so scared.
- And not to be sensational, but to be real
and supportive. - Right, no, and also,
this is also not airing out all of our dirty laundry.
Anything that we talk about is stuff
that we've agreed upon, this is what we're gonna talk about.
And are you comfortable if I talk
about this, that or the other?
Because we don't want to burn bridges
with each other for the sake of YouTube.
Like, that's not. - What,
I'm totally attention seeking.
(laughs)
- No, honestly, I'm the attention seeking one.
Look at me.
So without any further ado we're gonna launch
into this series. - So this is
a multi-video series.
- Because, - The struggle is real.
- The struggle is real.
You cannot get more different.
- Yeah, we are completely opposite personalities.
And then on top of that, we have some pretty
strong gender role reversals.
And not pretty, like, they are, completely.
- Of what you would traditionally associate
with a woman or a man. - Yeah.
- You're the man, I'm the woman. (laughs)
- Yeah, and then we're opposite.
And our friends think it's hilarious.
- And we do on occasion.
(sobbing) (holding back laughter)
- Those some manly tears, okay?
- So let's talk a little bit about personality types.
We have a full course on this
on our membership site where you can deep dive into it.
A link for that is below where you can just
go to mendedlight.com and learn about it.
But there are four, and are very simple, straightforward,
but I feel like all inclusive.
Dreamers, healers, thinkers, and closers.
A dreamer is somebody who's very energetic, fun seeking,
loves adventure, has all sorts of ideas.
The reason they're called dreamers is
'cause they just have a nonstop flow of creative energy.
- Everything's a possibility, just in case you're wondering.
- Everything's a possibility.
And we love dreamers because they tend to be the life
of the party, and they bring
and they cheer people up with humor, right?
The flip side of a dreamer, the struggle with a dreamer,
is they have a hard time with details.
They have a hard time with attention
and they have a hard time with follow through.
- When you say attention, focusing?
- With focusing.
Well, focusing on things
they don't, - And then they also
want a lot of attention.
(laughing)
(Kelso shouts)
- True. (Alicia laughs)
Guilty as charged.
And then they have a hard time with follow through.
The biggest reason is because they love fun so much.
They can work hard as long as it's fun
for them or as long as they're engaged with it.
It's a reason why dreamers thrive in the arts.
The fact is the arts, creative arts is a lot of work.
But for a dreamer, they're constantly engaging
with it, - It's fun.
- And it's not boring, and so they can do the hard work.
But ask them to file their taxes and watch what happens.
- Yes, big eyes, very big
because they are full of wonder.
- Well, and dreamers are the most childlike personality
not childish, but childlike because of that fun-loving,
exuberant, bubbly life of the party.
And everybody loves a dreamer.
- People who retain their sense of wonder.
- Yeah. - Right?
Even into adulthood, those are your dreamers.
And then healers are people who are compassionate,
who are empathetic, who value relationships and the comfort
of others, comforting others, helping others.
And also just making sure, like, did you get enough to eat?
Are you warm?
Can I get you a glass of water?
- They're like the quintessential mother.
- Yeah. - Most often,
we associate them as females,
but there are plenty of male healers out there.
- Yeah, and obviously if we get into non-binary
or trans people, there's a whole host of,
but the personality we so strongly associate with women.
And we love healers because they take care of us
and they make us feel loved.
And they're the shoulder to cry on,
they're so non-judgmental.
The flip side of a healer is they're very sensitive.
They get their feelings hurt more easily than anybody else.
A healer will get walked on,
they'll forgive and they'll forgive,
and they'll forgive until the point that they snap.
And then generally they're the ones
who hold the worst grudges. - Yeah.
- Right?
And they forgive,
they're way too forgiving until they're not.
And then they don't forgive.
- Hell hath no fury Like a healer scorned.
- Like a healer scorned is exactly right.
- I shall never forgive you.
- How could you say such a thing?
- Also can struggle with tasks and follow through
because they're so relationship and people oriented.
- Yeah.
And,
- Go ahead.
- Oh. (laughs)
So comfort.
Comfort is a big deal.
- Comforting others, but also being comfortable.
- Yeah, being comfortable.
And so they will plan so many things
all to maintain their sense of comfort
or make sure they feel comfortable.
And doing new things is scary.
- Doing new things is terrifying.
So dreamer, healer, those are my dominant
two personalities, I am both of those.
- Dreamers are your extroverted relationship
focused personality type.
And healers are your introverted relationship
focused personality type.
- Right, so a person who loves to go to parties
and loves to get out and have fun,
and that's your dreamer, that's your extrovert.
And then the healer would prefer to stay home,
have a pajama party, have a few friends over
for a small intimate gathering,
and really just be there for each other.
But I am both of those things.
- He is a relationship, relationship focused person.
- Which dreamer healer, so you watch me
on these YouTube channels, and loves entertainment,
loves to be entertained, loves to comfort and help people.
You see here on YouTube, you see the very best of me.
- Yeah. - What you don't see is,
(both laughing)
(Kelso shouting) (laugh track)
- I meant yeah, as in you are, you are who,
like, it's not a front for the camera.
- No. - You are genuinely
that person.
- It's just what I'm showing the world
is the best parts of me.
And now with this series
you're gonna see the me that struggles with focus,
that struggles with follow through, that struggles
with over-committing or being so optimistic
that I can accomplish something
that I say I can do something,
and then I let people down.
You're gonna see the person who gets offended
and hurt by things that were not intended
to be offensive and hurtful.
- You'll always be my delicate little flower.
- We were gonna get to the delicate little flower.
- We'll tell that story in a minute.
- Planting a seed, yeah.
So that's me.
Let's talk about the other side of the coin.
- Yeah, so,
a closer, right?
It is predominantly seen as a male personality type
but they are your achievers, your doers.
They get it done.
- [Jono] No matter what,
no excuses. - [Alicia] No matter what.
And if there's a reason, - [Jono] Dreamers are all
excuses, by the way.
(laughs)
- And so if you want something done, no matter what,
you give it to a closer and they will figure out
and they will find a way.
- I'm gonna find the way.
I've never lost a fight.
- And they love achievement.
They love accomplishment.
They love building and creating.
And closers need a mountain to climb.
And if they don't have a mountain to climb
they will create one.
And so, especially in children who don't feel
like they have enough autonomy over their life,
they will create contention
through teasing their siblings or doing whatever.
- We have a closer son.
- Well, we have lots of closer children.
And I have a closer parent and my mom used to say,
like, he just has so much energy,
but he got into running when I was a kid and she's like,
as long as he runs every single day, it's fine.
(Jono laughs)
And it's like if you have a person
in your life that needs to run three to five miles
to bring their energy level down, they could be a closer.
And so closers need, they have a lot of energy.
It's a push forward energy.
And they need somewhere to channel that.
- And we love them because they're reliable.
If they say they're gonna do something,
and this is something that I love about you.
If you say you're gonna do something, you get it done.
And much to my amazement, because as somebody
who's just like, well, it's eight o'clock,
time to tap out, you will just go
until the task is done. - I will just keep going.
- I don't know what you gotta do.
- Just keep swimming.
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.
- The flip side of closers, they are not very patient.
They can, sometimes they lack empathy.
And we're gonna talk about these personality types
and every personality type, there is a spectrum
of that personality type.
And I like to call it a spectrum of maturity.
And it has nothing to do with age.
It has more to do with emotional maturity.
Or you could even call it emotional intelligence.
And so closers have a tendency to not be very patient,
not be very understanding.
If you are giving a closer a reason
for not getting something done,
they're going to see it as an excuse.
What other things are challenging about a closer?
- They're blunt.
They speak their mind sometimes without much tact.
They can be bulldozers and they're great
at teamwork as long as the team can keep up.
If the team can't keep up, the closer is more prone
to just say, get out of my way, I will just get it done.
And sometimes they will burn bridges
in relationships because they're so task focused, right?
- Yeah.
And so accomplishing the task is more important
than nurturing the relationship.
- Right. - And so closers and healers
in particular rub each other the wrong way.
- A closer's gonna see a healer as being too sensitive.
And a healer's gonna see a closer as just being a jerk.
♪ Why you gotta be so rude ♪
♪ Don't you know I'm human too? ♪
- Well, and you mentioned that closers can bulldoze.
And here's the thing that outside people often don't see
about a closer is closers can bulldoze themselves.
They can push themselves too hard.
And if you get in a more closer relationship
with one, and you're not one, you can definitely see that.
Right? - Yeah, for sure.
- So wrapping up with closers,
and onto our last one is thinkers.
So thinkers, we love thinkers.
They value logic, they value order,
they have a plan for everything.
If you have someone in your life that actually
reads the instruction manuals.
- Yeah, like cover the cover. - That is a thinker, right?
There is a logical way to do something.
And if you try to do it in an illogical way
they will say, what is wrong with you?
Are you stupid?
- Well, and it's important to recognize that a thinker,
because they value logic, they will see
that there is the one right way to do things.
And part of your journey that we'll get into
a little bit later is if someone values something else,
then what they're doing is the logical path.
Like a healer values relationships.
So they're gonna manage a situation differently.
And to a thinker, it's gonna be like, well,
that doesn't make any sense.
- Right, it doesn't make any sense,
because we're trying to do the most logical, efficient.
(Jono laughs)
Thinkers are very efficient.
- Look, you just shot me.
- They're trying to do the logical, efficient thing.
And so thinkers are very black and white,
very right and wrong.
And they can also come off as emotionally cold,
unintentionally.
- And they also can come across as know-it-alls,
like Hermione in Harry Potter is a perfect example
of a thinker character where they'll see a problem,
they'll try and help somebody with the problem
by saying here's a solution.
And if the person is closed to that, it's gonna come across
as you think I'm stupid?
Like I can't solve this for myself.
And thinkers tend to be, they value feeling respected
and feeling heard, especially.
Weakness of a thinker is analysis paralysis.
Like unless something can be perfect,
they're not gonna move forward
and get it done. - They will evaluate
and evaluate,
and evaluate. - yeah, recalibrate,
and recalibrate.
Yeah. So in our relationship, we have someone
who values comfort versus someone
who values mountains to climb.
- Comfort and relationships.
- Comfort and relationships, mountains to climb,
tasks, having fun,
and sometimes cutting corners to get to the fun
or not thinking things all the way through,
someone who is incredibly meticulous
about thinking things through.
Alicia, why do divorces happen?
(ambient music) - Think, think, think.
- So here's, and the first time I heard this,
this didn't come from me, but it so resonated with me.
Someone asked, what is the only reason people get divorced?
And I was like, what are you talking about?
People get divorced for so many reasons.
But the only reason people get divorced
is because unmet expectations.
- Yeah, and if you think about any reason people divorce,
infidelity, abuse, big things like that,
to just what we call irreconcilable differences,
it all comes down - To unmet expectations.
- And what a dreamer or a healer would expect
from a relationship, and what a closer or a thinker
would expect from a relationship
are two wildly different things.
- And their needs.
So what we value is innately different.
So we've talked about these personality types
and everybody typically has a dominant and a secondary.
And sometimes they can be really close and sometimes
people can be split between three.
But typically there's a dominant and a secondary.
And if you think of the Meyer Briggs personality type,
it's built on four personality types.
Just in different orders.
And so we have all four within ourselves
but we have our nature, which is usually
a dominant and a secondary.
And then we have nurture, which is the environment
which we grew up in.
And these all based on our values,
which then are our needs.
And then based on the environment we grew up in
we have expectations that we didn't even realize we have
that we bring to a marriage.
And we're like, all right, let's mesh this.
And how do you mesh opposites?
- Well, and that's the thing
'cause most people overlap in at least one
of either their dominant or secondary,
- In some way. - Like a closer healer
marries a dreamer healer.
Or a thinker dreamer marries a thinker closer.
But they have something in common.
And in our case,
- There's very little in common.
- So this video is really setting the stage.
We're going to address our own struggles in our next video
which is, should we have even gotten married? (laughs)
- Nobody knows. - Nobody knows.
Should we have gotten married?
So we're gonna be getting very raw
and real and vulnerable here with you.
It's just like BDSM, as long as everyone feels safe.
- My safe word is no.
- My safe word is stop.
And we invite you to check out this entire series
of videos as they roll out.
What do you think of the personality types
that we've talked about here?
Have you seen that cropping up in your life?
What would you identify as?
Dreamer, healer, closer, thinker?
And what challenges have you experienced
in understanding a partner who is completely
different than you?
- It's challenging.
And until next time, remember to keep shining.
We need your light.
(upbeat instrumental music)