WELCOME, ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
THE U.N.--
THANKS VERY MUCH.
THIS IS A CRISP AUDIENCE.
CRISP AUDIENCE.
CRISP, FALL AIR IN HERE TONIGHT.
WELL, THE U.N. JUST STARTED THEIR SESSION HERE IN NEW YORK,
AND THIS MORNING, PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP WAS SLATED TO SPEAK
SECOND, BUT HE WAS SO LATE, THAT ECUADOR'S PRESIDENT HAD TO TAKE
HIS PLACE.
COME ON, MAN!
YOU'RE FROM NEW YORK!
YOU KNOW WHAT THE TRAFFIC IS LIKE WHEN THE U.N. IS HERE!
JUST TAKE THE SUBWAY.
YES, IT SMELLS LIKE PEE, BUT RUMOR IS YOU LIKE THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT'S THE RUMOR.
I HEARD-- DID YOU HEAR THAT?
>> Jon: ALLEGEDLY.
ALLEGEDLY.
>> Stephen: I HEARD THAT.
NOW, ONCE HE MADE IT TO THE U.N., HE JUMPED RIGHT INTO HIS
FAVORITE TALKING POINT: HIMSELF.
>> IN LESS THAN TWO YEARS, MY ADMINISTRATION HAS ACCOMPLISHED
MORE THAN ALMOST ANY ADMINISTRATION IN THE HISTORY OF
OUR COUNTRY.
AMERICA'S-- SO TRUE.
( LAUGHTER )
THAT'S OKAY.
( LAUGHTER )
MR. PRESIDENT.
THEY'RE NOT LAUGHING AT YOU.
THEY'RE LAUGHING WITH EACH OTHER AT YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT-- ♪ ♪ ♪
"WE ARE THE LAUGHING STOCK.
THEY'RE ALL-- THEY'RE ALL LAUGHING AT US."
BUT TRUMP WAS THERE TO DELIVER AN UPLIFTING MESSAGE TO THE
WORLD: EVERYBODY MIND THEIR OWN DAMN BUSINESS.
>> THE UNITED STATES WILL NOT TELL YOU HOW TO LIVE, OR WORK,
OR WORSHIP.
WE ONLY ASK THAT YOU HONOR OUR SOVEREIGNTY IN RETURN.
>> (AS TRUMP) "I'M JUST SAYIN', IF WANT TO THROW YOUR DISSIDENTS
IN A GULAG, THAT'S COOL WITH ME.
AS LONG AS YOU IXNAY ON MY ABY-BAY AGES-KAY."
( LAUGHTER )
LATIN?
NO?
" AFTER EXPLAINING TO THE
COUNTRIES OF THE WORLD THAT AMERICA WOULD LEAVE THEM ALONE,
HE STARTED PICKING ON THEM.
>> IRAN'S LEADERS SOW CHAOS, DEATH, AND DESTRUCTION.
NOT LONG AGO, VENEZUELA WAS ONE OF THE RICHEST COUNTRIES ON
EARTH.
TODAY, SOCIALISM HAS BANKRUPTED THE OIL-RICH NATION.
CHINA'S MARKET DISTORTIONS AND THE WAY THEY DEAL CANNOT
BE TOLERATED.
GERMANY WILL BECOME TOTALLY DEPENDENT ON RUSSIAN ENERGY IF
IT DOES NOT IMMEDIATELY CHANGE COURSE.
>> Stephen: HE'S WORKING THE ROOM LIKE AN INSULT COMIC.
( LAUGHTER )
HERE. HEY, YOU'RE NOT FOOLIN' ANYONE WITH THAT BIG BOOT!
GAMBIA, GAMBIA, WE ALL KNOW THEIR NATIONAL MOTTO: WHERE THE
HELL IS GAMBIA?
THIS GUYANA KNOWS WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT!
THAT'S MY TIME!
PLEASE HAVE YOUR DIPLOMATS STAY AT MY HOTELS.
OH!"
DID HE SAY ANYTHING NICE ABOUT ANYONE?
>> I WOULD LIKE TO THANK CHAIRMAN KIM FOR HIS COURAGE,
AND FOR THE STEPS HE HAS TAKEN.
>> Stephen: I CAN'T BELIEVE THE ONLY GUY HE PRAISED WAS KIM
JONG-UN.
PUTIN IS GOING TO BE JEALOUS!
( APPLAUSE )
I WILL NOT BE IGNORED."
( LAUGHTER )
VISION FOR THE GLOBAL MIGRATION CRISIS-- LET SOMEBODY ELSE
HANDLE IT.
>> ULTIMATELY, THE ONLY LONG-TERM SOLUTION TO THE
MIGRATION CRISIS IS TO HELP PEOPLE BUILD MORE HOPEFUL
FUTURES IN THEIR HOME COUNTRIES, MAKE THEIR COUNTRIES GREAT
AGAIN.
( LAUGHTER )
( BOOING ) NO?
HE'S JUST TALKING ABOUT A FRANCHISE OPPORTUNITY.
MAGA-DONALD'S.
HE'S ALREADY HIS OWN CLOWN.
( APPLAUSE )
WAS SUMMED UP BY THIS MOMENT: >> WE WILL NEVER SURRENDER
AMERICA'S SOVEREIGNTY TO AN UNELECTED, UNACCOUNTABLE GLOBAL
BUREAUCRACY.
AMERICA IS GOVERNED BY AMERICANS.
WE REJECT THE IDEOLOGY OF GLOBALISM, AND WE EMBRACE THE
DOCTRINE OF PATRIOTISM.
>> Stephen: SO TRUMP APPEARED BEFORE THE UNITED NATIONS TO
REJECT THE PREMISE OF NATIONS UNITING.
( LAUGHTER )
DIANE ON THEIR WEDDING.
WE BELIEVE THE INSTITUTION OF MARRIAGE IS A SHAM.
WE REJECT THE IDEOLOGY OF MONOGAMY.
DIANE, WHEN MIKE GETS FAT, CALL ME."