WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( APPLAUSE ) UPON LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, SO
FAR, IT HAS BEEN A ROUGH START TO THE SCHOOL YEAR FOR DONALD
TRUMP.
HIS REPORT CARD IS DEFINITELY GOING TO SAY "HAS PROBLEMS
WORKING AND PLAYING WELL WITH OTHERS."
AND THERE'S NOT MUCH WE CAN DO.
WHAT CAN WE DO?
BECAUSE THE OVAL OFFICE DOESN'T HAVE ANY CORNERS.
BECAUSE IT'S OPEN WARFARE BETWEEN TRUMP AND REPUBLICANS.
IT ALL STARTED IN AN ATTEMPT TO AVOID OPEN WARFARE WITH NORTH
KOREA.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU SEE, SECRETARY OF STATE AND
DISAPPOINTED FATHER TRIBUTE HEAD, REX TILLERSON, WAS IN THE
MIDDLE OF TENSE NEGOTIATIONS ABOUT NORTH KOREA AND THEIR
NUCLEAR PROGRAM, WHEN TRUMP TWEETED THAT
TILLERSON WAS "WASTING HIS TIME TRYING TO NEGOTIATE WITH LITTLE
ROCKET MAN."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
YOU KNOW, WE ALL KNOW, EVERYBODY KNOWS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) EVERYBODY KNOWS THERE IS NO
BETTER WAY TO DEFUSE A TENSE NUCLEAR STANDOFF THAN WITH
INSULT HUMOR.
WHO CAN FORGET DURING THE CUBAN MISSILE CRISIS WHEN KENNEDY
TWEETED, "CUEBALL @KHRUSHCHEV AND LI'L BEARDY DON'T HAVE THE
BALLS.
I DOUBLE-DOG DARE YOU TO PUSH THE BUTTON."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) GOT, I DOUBLE-DOG DARE YOU.
I DOUBLE-DOG-- WELL, TODAY, IN A INTERVIEW WITH
"FORBES," TRUMP DEFENDED HIS ACTIONS TOWARDS TILLERSON,
SAYING, "HE WAS WASTING HIS TIME.
I'M NOT UNDERMINING.
I THINK I'M ACTUALLY STRENGTHENING AUTHORITY."
"YES, I'M NOT BURNING YOUR HOUSE DOWN.
I'M LOWERING YOUR HEATING BILLS."
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, TO THANK HIM, TO THANK HIM
FOR ALL THAT STRENGTHENING OF AUTHORITY, TILLERSON CALLED HIM
A "(BLEEP) MORON."
ALLEGEDLY.
>> Jon: MY GOODNESS!
>> Stephen: BUT TODAY-- WAS THIS TODAY-- THIS MORNING,
DONALD TRUMP HAD AN ANSWER FOR THAT, TOO:
"I THINK IT'S FAKE NEWS, BUT IF HE DID THAT, I GUESS WE'LL HAVE
TO COMPARE I.Q. TESTS.
AND I CAN TELL YOU WHO IS GOING TO WIN."
( LAUGHTER ) ME, TOO, BECAUSE WE HAVE THE
RESULTS OF THEIR I.Q. TESTS RIGHT HERE.
TILLERSON SCORED A 120.
IT'S ABOVE AVERAGE, NOT GENIUS, BUT STILL PRETTY GOOD.
AND WE'VE GOT TRUMP'S.
IT'S A DRAWING OF A BIG TRUCK THAT SAYS "MAGA."
AND THERE'S TRUMP RIGHT THERE SAYING, "HORVEG-HONK."
AND HERE'S REX TILLERSON, BUT TRUMP CALLS HIM REX SMELLERSON.
SO IT'S A TOSS-UP.
WE'RE NOT ENTIRELY SURE.
INTO THIS IMBROGUELIO, ENTER CHAIRMAN OF THE SENATE
FOREIGN RELATIONS COMMITTEE AND MAN REHEARSING "HAMLET,"
BOB CORKER.
SENATOR CORKER-- AGAIN, THIS IS A REPUBLICAN, MEMBER OF THE SAME
PARTY AS THE PRESIDENT, SAID THAT TILLERSON, MATTIS, AND
JOHN KELLY ARE ALL THAT SEPARATES AMERICA FROM CHAOS.
THAT'S RIGHT.
HOOBLS WE ARE IN THE "BEFORE" TIMES.
AS HEAD OF THE FOREIGN RELATIONS COMMITTEE, KEEP IN MIND, CORKER
KNOWS EVERYTHING.
HE HAS ACCESS TO ALL THE SECRET FOREIGN-- I'M GOING TO SAY
STUFF.
AND HE HAS SOME BOWEL- LOOSENING OPINIONS ABOUT OUR PRESIDENT.
IN A RECORDED INTERVIEW WITH "THE NEW YORK TIMES," CORKER
SAID THAT BECAUSE OF TRUMP'S CARELESS TWITTER ERUPTIONS, "WE
COULD BE HEADING TOWARD WORLD WAR III."
ALL THIS TIME WE'VE BEEN WORRIED THE NEXT WAR WOULD BE CAUSED BY
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE.
TURNS OUT THE REAL DANGER IS NATURAL STUPIDITY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'LL MISS US.
I'LL MISS US.
WE HAD A GOOD RUN.
NOW, CORKER THINKS THE PRESIDENT IS SO IMPULSIVE, HE HAS TO BE
MANAGED LIKE A TODDLER.
BUT THAT IS RIDICULOUS.
OUR COMMANDER IN CHIEF PROVED HE CAN BE TRUSTED WITH THE NUCLEAR
TRIAD WITH THIS MATURE RESPONSE: "THE FAILING @NYTIMES SET LIDDLE
BOB CORKER UP BY RECORDING HIS CONVERSATION.
WAS MADE TO SOUND A FOOL, AND THAT'S WHAT I AM DEALING WITH!"
WHAT YOU'RE DEALING WITH IS A CRIPPLING CASE OF
NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S-- TWO THINGS, THAT AND
THIS.
ALLEGEDLY.
I'M NOT A DOCTOR.
THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME THAT TRUMP HAS CRITICIZED CORKER'S
HEIGHT WITH THE LIDDLE.
LAST YEAR, CORKER WAS IN THE RUNNING TO BE IN TRUMP'S
CABINET, BUT TRUMP THOUGHT CORKER WAS TOO SHORT TO BE
SECRETARY OF STATE.
HE EVEN MADE HIM STAND NEXT TO THE SIGN, "YOU MUST BE THIS TALL
TO CALL THE PRESIDENT A MORON."
>> Jon: WOW!
>> Stephen: AND TODAY, AND TODAY, WE LEARNED THAT CORKER
MIGHT BE ON TO SOMETHING BECAUSE ACCORDING TO POLITICO, WHITE
HOUSE AIDES USE DELAYS AND DISTRACTION TO MANAGE TRUMP.
CHIEF OF STAFF JOHN KELLY "HAS TRIED TO LIMIT BAD DECISIONS BY
BLOCKING INFORMATION FROM THE PRESIDENT'S DESK."
AND SOMETIMES, STAFFERS WOULD EVEN DISTRACT HIM WITH A VISUAL
AID "LIKE CHARTS ON HOW FARMERS MIGHT FEEL ABOUT ENDING THE
NORTH AMERICAN FREE TRADE AGREEMENT."
AND AN EXECUTIVE WITH THE TRUMP ORGANIZATION EXPLAINS THAT "YOU
EITHER HAD TO JUST CONVINCE HIM SOMETHING BETTER WAS HIS IDEA,
OR IGNORE WHAT HE SAID TO DO AND HOPED HE'D FORGOT ABOUT IT THE
NEXT DAY."
BECAUSE, LIKE A TODDLER, TRUMP LACKS OBJECT PERMANENCE.
( LAUGHTER ) "WHAT NAFTA DEAL, DONALD?
THERE'S NO NAFTA DEAL.
IT ROLLED BEHIND THE COUCH.
IT'S GONE FOREVER."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪ WELL, THE NEXT TIME WHITE HOUSE
STAFFERS NEED TO DISTRACT DONALD TRUMP, THEY CAN ALWAYS SHOW HIM
THIS REPORT FROM OUR IN-HOUSE NEWS TEAM, "REAL NEWS TONIGHT."
JIM?
>> WELCOME TO "REAL NEWS TONIGHT."
>> I'M JIM ANCHORTON.
>> AND I'M JILL NEWSLADY.
>> AND I'M RECEIVING A BREAKING NEWS STORY RIGHT HERE.
PUERTO RICO IS STILL REELING FROM HURRICANE MARIA WITH 85% OF
THE ISLAND STILL WITHOUT POWER AND 40% WITHOUT POTABLE WATER.
WE'LL HAVE MORE ON THIS STORY TOMORROW, OR MAYBE IN A COUPLE
OF WEEKS.
>> MAYBE AFTER CHRISTMAS.
>> BUT FOR NOW, LOOK AT THIS CHART!
>> OOOH, SO MANY BRIGHT COLORS.
>> THE NUMBER OF SMILING FARMERS ON CHARTS IS SKYROCKETING.
>> AND THERE'S BIG NEWS FROM NORTH KOREA, WHERE-- YOU KNOW
WHAT?
READING AHEAD, I'M NOT GOING TO SHARE THIS ONE WITH THE
PRESIDENT.
LET'S MOVE ON.
>> THE LATEST APPROVAL NUMBERS ARE IN FOR PRESIDENT TRUMP, AND
IT'S LOOKING VERY POSITIVE.
BECAUSE HE'S STILL IN THE POSITIVE NUMBERS.
>> WE'LL HAVE MORE ON THAT EVENTUALLY.
BUT FOR NOW, LET'S INTRODUCE THE NEWEST MEMBER OF THE "REAL NEWS"
TEAM, PEPPER THE PUPPY PUNDIT.
WHAT'S THAT, PEPPER?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE PRESIDENT IS KILLING ANY CHANCE OF PASSING
LEGISLATION BY ALIENATING MEMBERS OF HIS OWN PARTY IN
CONGRESS.
>> OH, PEP ELET'S NOT BORE THE PRESIDENT WITH THAT SORT OF
INFORMATION.
>> GOOD LUCK, PEPPER ON YOUR NEW ASSIGNMENT-- CHIEF CORRESPONDENT
TO THE FARM UPSTATE.
>> COMING UP, WEBSTER ANNOUNCES THE WORD OF THE YEAR AS THE
PRESIDENT'S VERY OWN LIDDLE SPELLED WITH DOUBLE "D"s.
>> EVEN HIS HILARIOUS NICKNAMES HAVE LARGE BREASTS.
>> I WISH I HAD LARGE BREASTS SO THE PRESIDENT WOULD LOVE ME.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, GUYS.
THEY DO SUCH A GOOD JOB, SO GOOD.