Pandas suck at pandaing.
They're literally the worst at being pandas.
I would be a better panda than a panda.
The giant panda is a divisive animal in the DNews office.
Some of us think it's the cutest, others think it's the worst…
I think science has finally settled the debate with a new study about the panda; and it turns
out, they are terrible at life.
Here's what you probably know about Giant Pandas already: they are solitary tree-climbing
black-and-white mountain bears that only eat bamboo and are notoriously difficult to breed
in zoos.
All of that is true, but new research from the American Society of Microbiology studied
the gut bacteria of the giant panda and found they're NOT GOOD AT DIGESTING BAMBOO.
WHICH IS THE ONLY THING THEY'LL EAT.
According to their findings, the giant panda's microbiota are horribly adapted for the diet
that they eat.
Which is just.
*i mean* I just need a minute here.
Guys.
Giant Pandas eat bamboo for 14 hours every day.
It's one of the fastest growing plants in the world[1], some species can grow a meter
a day; which is good because pandas consume 27.5 pounds (12.5kg) of it daily, but STILL
CAN'T DIGEST IT.
They only process about 17 percent of the stuff they shove in their maw!
This is an incredibly sad and real illustration of evolutions lags.
Looking at what bacteria the panda DOES have, reveals the evolutionary history of our favorite
black and white bear.
Pandas began to exclusively eat bamboo around two million years ago, but even so, their
gut flora were essentially the same as their carnivorous and omnivorous cousins!
Surprisingly, they have not evolved some of the basic bacteria to break down the plant
fibers; and YET EAT PLANTS.
What the hell evolution?
Dick move.
So it seems as if it's supposed to eat meat, based on the bacteria living inside its gastrointestinal
tract.
The reason why it doesn’t might be answered by a study in PLOS One.
The study looked at the genes of the giant panda, and found 4.2 million years ago, the
giant panda's T1R1 gene mutated, causing them to lose ability to taste umami -- the deliciousness
that comes from meats like bacon.
Their appetite-reward system was forever altered, and this mutated species lost its taste for
meat, literally!
Okay, that's a little hyperbolic, pandas DO eat the occasional small rodent, or deer fawn.
But scientists believe because of the loss of umami, their herbivorous diet was further
reinforced.
Funnily enough, herbivores like cows and horses DO carry the T1R1 gene which allows for umami…
Scientists are puzzled to say the least.
To add to all this biological dissonance, are the well-documented problems with panda
breeding.
Females only ovulate once a year, for only a couple of days!
If the female doesn't meet a male -- they're really solitary remember -- they don't birth
any cubs that year.
But if they do, the newborn is 1/900th the size of its mother; it's seriously tiny and
blind, and it requires feeding every two hours when it cries -- similar to a human baby.
Eventually they grow and mature, gaining black and white hair that scientists still don't
understand and three years later will strike out on its own -- THIS IS SERIOUSLY THE WORST
SYSTEM FOR BEING AN ANIMAL.
Look.
I don't want them to go extinct, but it sure sounds like the panda just doesn't want to
panda, doesn't it?
But let’s not put the blame entirely on them.
Thanks to humans destroying the panda habitat, there are only about 1,000 left in the wild,
and maybe 100 in zoos; we're learning a lot about them!
But man, the more I learn, the more I just shake my head.
Do you love pandas?
Not just the red ones, they're the cutest.