[ Regal music plays ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Hello and welcome to "Second Chance Theater,"
where we give new life to sketches that were cut
from "Saturday Night Live."
Tonight, the tale of two musical lyricists
with an unquenchable desire
to compose the next great Christmas classic.
Their passion for music only surpassed
by their love of opposites.
You'll see what I mean in a moment.
We now present the cut-from-dress
"Weekend Update" feature
"Jon Bovi" from December 12, 2009.
Enjoy.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-"Weekend Update" with Seth Meyers.
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
A slew!
A slew of Christmas albums are
coming out just in time for the holiday season,
including offerings from such diverse artists
as Bob Dylan, David Archuleta, and Sting.
Here to comment, Bon Jovi opposite band,
Jon Bovi.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Whoo!
-All right! Yeah.
Hey, Seth, what's shaking? -Bad to be front!
[ Laughter ]
-So, you guys...
For those who don't, you guys are a Bon Jovi opposite band.
A lot of people probably don't know what that means.
-Aw, yeah? Well, they will after they eat an earful of this.
2, 3, 4 -- -234!
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa Dude, what was that?
No, no, no. You got to separate them.
Okay? They're three separate numbers.
-Oh, okay, okay. I got it. -Right. You got it? You sure?
Okay, here we go! -Two, three, four...
♪ Oh, we're all the way there ♪
♪ Oh-oh! ♪
♪ Dyin' on a prayer ♪
♪ Give my foot, we will not make it, I do not swear ♪
♪ Oh-oh! ♪
♪ Dying on a prayer ♪
-Boom!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Oh, hope your ears have room for dessert.
-All right. Well, that... That's just wonderful.
So, why are you guys here this time?
-Well, you know, we got a Christmas album coming out.
It's classic Jon Bovi
with, you know, a Yuletide twist.
-I used to be an 1/8 Jewish.
-Used to be?
-I lost it after I was circumcised last year.
I gave the rabbi a nice tip.
[ Crowd groans, laughter ]
[ Laughter ]
-Yeah. Yeah.
-Dandy -- -Yeah, I get it!
-Okay, all right.
-All right. Well, look. We're very excited.
How about we hear one of these Christmas songs?
-No!
And by no, I mean yes. You ready?
Two, three, four -- -Dos, tres, quatro...
-Whoa, whoa, whoa. What happened there?
-I did it in Spanish. -Yeah, I noticed.
You mind hopping back over the border, muchacho?
-[ Chuckling ] Okay. -Okay, all right. Here we go.
-Two, three, four...
♪ Stabbed in the butt, I am to blame ♪
♪ Darling, you give hate a good name ♪
♪ Oh-oh, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa ♪
Christmas!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Sorry.
Just to check your work here,
the opposite of "shot through the heart"
is "stabbed in the butt"? -Uh-huh. Yeah.
-Oh, okay. Just checking. -Yeah, yeah, yeah. No.
Now, here's another song off of our Christmas album.
-It's from our Heart opposite band.
-Heart? -Yeah, Heart.
Which we called, if you -- -Let me guess -- Butt?
Oh, you've heard of us! Yeah. Yeah.
Well, then you're gonna love this one.
It's the opposite of the song "Alone."
-It's called "Groups." -Mm-hmm, yeah.
All right. Ready?
Two, three, four -- -Ocho, seis, dos.
-Dude! Why do you keep doing that?
-Oh, sorry. Guess I got Spanish on the butt.
-Okay. All right. Okay. Let's just do it in Inglés.
-Okay! -Okay. Ready?
-Two, three, four...
-♪ Till now, I never got by on my lease ♪
-♪ You always never cared until I met me ♪
♪ And then it heats me to the cartilage ♪
♪ How do I get you in groups ♪
♪ Group sex ♪
♪ This song's about group sex ♪
Christmas!
[ Cheers and applause ] -Santa's birthday.
♪ Santa's birthday ♪
-[ Laughing ] I can't...
can't -- can't help but notice kind of a pattern here.
-Oh, yeah? -It doesn't seem like
you're doing Christmas songs.
It seems like all you're doing
is just tacking the word "Christmas"
onto the end of your songs. -What?!
-[ Screams ] -What are you talking about?!
Oh, that is some left-brain BS.
You know what -- that's a fair hit.
-What a good listener! -You're good listener, Seth.
Yeah, no, okay! Okay! Wh-- Hey, how 'bout this?
You know the song "Love Lift Us Up Where We Belong"
by Jennifer Warnes and Joe Cocker?
-Mm-hmm. -Okay. Good.
Well, this is our version from our opposite band
Jennifer Peacenes and Joe Cocker.
-Wait. Jennifer Peacenes I get, for Jennifer Warnes,
but no opposite name for Joe Cocker?
-No, his name is perfect. Okay! Ready?
-Two, three, four...
♪ Hate lifts us down where we be-short ♪
♪ Where the turtles crawl ♪
♪ On a Coca sober ♪
Christmas!
♪ Hate lifts us down -- ♪ -Oh, wait! I'm sorry!
-I was kind of with you guys...
-Yeah, we were in the moment. -...right up until "Coca sober."
-Right. -Coca sober.
How is "Coca sober" the opposite of "mountain high"?
-Oh. Yeah, no. I'll walk you through it.
Okay. So, here's the thing.
Sober is the opposite of high. You know, we all know that.
We know it too well. -Yeah.
-And the opposite of mountain,
which is the first part of Mountain Dew, okay, is Coca,
which is the first part of Coca-Cola.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ] It's right there.
-I'm sorry, but that's, uh...
That's ridiculous. -[ Laughing ] Oh, what?
-You would have gone with Mr. Pibb.
Let's give it a shot, okay.
-♪ On a Mr. sober ♪
-Yeah, that's great. -Yeah!
-Hey, who's up for some Sprick Ringfield?
-[ Chuckling ] Oh -- -Two, three, four...
♪ I wish that I had Jessie's boy ♪
♪ Do, do, do, do, do ♪
♪ I wish that I had Jessie's boy ♪
♪ Do, do, do, do, do ♪
♪ Why can't I tongue kiss a dude like that ♪
Christmas!
-Jon Bovi, everybody.
We'll be right back with more "Late Night."
[ Cheers and applause ]