WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
THE BIG STORY--
IF YOU'VE BEEN PAYING ATTENTION, IF YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN CHECKING
YOUR PHONES BEFORE THE SHOW BEGAN, BUT, THE BIG STORY
TONIGHT COMES FROM THE HIGHEST COURT IN THE LAND, BECAUSE
SUPREME COURT JUSTICE STEPHEN BREYER IS RETIRING.
YES, YOU HEARD THAT RIGHT.
HE'S RETIRING FROM THE COURT, BUT THERE'S RUMORS HE'S GOING TO
BE THE NEXT QUARTERBACK FOR THE TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS.
HE CAN STILL DO IT.
THEY'RE A VERY-- THEY'RE A VERY FORGIVING ORGANIZATION.
THIS COMES AFTER A YEAR-LONG, HIGH-PRESSURE CAMPAIGN TO GET
BREYER TO STEP DOWN WHILE DEMOCRATS STILL HAVE CONTROL OF
THE SENATE, WHICH INCLUDED A BILLBOARD TRUCK THAT DROVE
AROUND WASHINGTON D.C., THAT SAID "BREYER, RETIRE."
( LAUGHTER )
THAT HAS GOT TO STING.
THAT'S LIKE IF I WALKED UP TO THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER AND THE
BUILDING SAID, "QUIT."
THIS MEANS-- SOME DAY.
SOME DAY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
BUT THAT'S SOME DAY IS NOT TODAY.
THIS MEANS THAT PRESIDENT BIDEN WILL GET HIS FIRST CHANCE TO
NAME A NEW SUPREME COURT JUSTICE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
COME ON!
MENT.
>> Jon: THERE WE GO.
>> Stephen: AND KEEP IN MIND, KEEP IN MIND, IF BIDEN CAN
GET HIS NOMINEE CONFIRMED, DEMOCRATS WILL STILL HAVE A
CRUSHING MINORITY.
THERE WAS SOME REPORTING THAT BREYER WAS UPSET THAT HIS
RETIREMENT NEWS LEAKED TODAY, BUT THAT WAS WALKED BACK LATER.
REPORTERS SAY JUSTICE BREYER HAD FIRMLY DECIDED ON HIS OWN TO
RETIRE AND THAT AN ANNOUNCEMENT WAS DUE VERY SOON.
AND WHILE IT APPEARS SOMEONE JUMPED THE GUN ON THAT, BETTER
TO CHARACTERIZE HIM AS "SURPRISED" BY EVENTS TODAY THAN
"UPSET."
YES, SOMEBODY-- SOMEBODY SIMPLY JUMPED THE GUN.
THAT GUN, BY THE WAY, HAS MORE RIGHTS THAN MOST WOMEN DO UNDER
THE CURRENT SUPREME COURT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OF COURSE, STEPHEN BREYER IS AN OLD FRIEND OF MINE, AND WHEN HE
WAS ON THE SHOW BACK IN SEPTEMBER, I ASKED HIM ABOUT
THIS.
THE LAST QUESTION IS ARE YOU GOING TO RETIRE?
>> AM I GOING TO RETIRE?
EVENTUALLY.
I DON'T WANT TO DIE.
>> Stephen: WHAT WOULD DO YOU IF YOU DID RETIRE?
IF YOU COULD RETIRE, IF THIS WAS THE RIGHT TIME, WHAT WOULD YOUR
PLANS BE? JUSTICE >> I'M NOT SURE.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S FUN FOR YOU?
>> I'M NOT SURE.
>> Stephen: HIKING?
WOODWORKING?
>> COOKING.
>> Stephen: COOKING?
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
YOU'RE GOING TO GET A LOT OF REALLY NICE POTS AND PANS AFTER
THIS INTERVIEW.
( LAUGHTER )
BREYER'S FORTHCOMING COOKBOOK, "FROM TORTS TO TARTS."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
"HOW I LEFT THE BENCH AND STEPPED UP TO THE BUNDT."
BUT THE PRESIDENT'S GOT A LOT MORE ON HIS PLATE THAN FINDING A
NEW JUSTICE.
RUSSIA IS POISED TO INVADE UKRAINE, SO YESTERDAY, BIDEN
THREATENED TO IMPOSE PERSONAL SANCTIONS AGAINST PUTIN,
INCLUDING SEIZING ASSETS AND BARRING TRAVEL TO THE UNITED
STATES.
BOOM!
YOU HEAR THAT, VLAD.
YOU HEAR THAT, VLAD?
YOU MESS WITH UKRAINE, YOU CAN FORGET THE PUTIN FAMILY TRIP TO
DISNEY WORLD!
HE'LL HAVE TO SETTLE FOR THE RUSSIAN EQUIVALENT: TURNIPTOWN.
IT'S THE HAPPIEST PLACE IN RUSSIA.
OF COURSE, IT ALL DEPENDS ON WHAT PUTIN DOES NEXT, WHICH IS
ANYONE'S GUESS.
AS PRESIDENT BIDEN PUT IT YESTERDAY:
>> YOU KNOW, I'LL BE COMPLETELY HONEST WITH YOU.
IT'S A LITTLE BIT LIKE READING TEA LEAVES.
>> Stephen: YES, IT'S JUST-- IT'S JUST LIKE READING TEA
LEAVES.
THOUGH, FOR PUTIN, IT'S A PRETTY EASY READ.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
SO-- THE WORLD'S--
BECAUSE IT SAYS, IT SAYS NJTSZ IT SPELLS IT OUT.
>> Stephen: SO, THE WORLD'S TWO GREATEST NUCLEAR POWERS ARE TOE
TO TOE IN A HIGH-STAKES STARING CONTEST, BUT NOT EVERYONE'S
PULLING FOR OUR GUY.
ACCORDING TO A NEW POLL, 62% OF REPUBLICANS SAY PUTIN IS A
STRONGER LEADER THAN BIDEN.
( BOOING ) WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
STOP ROOTING FOR THE OTHER TEAM!
HAVEN'T YOU SEEN "ROCKY IV," "FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE,"
"AIR FORCE ONE," "RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD PART II,"
"GOLDEN EYE," "THE HUNT FOR RED OCTOBER"?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
DOES-- DOES YOUR CABLE SYSTEM NOT CARRY TBS?
( LAUGHTER )
REPUBLICAN CRITERIA FOR "TOUGHNESS" IS. IT'S TRUE THAT
JOE BIDEN HASN'T MURDERED ANYONE WITH A CUP OF TEA LACED WITH
POLONIUM, A NOOSE, POINT-BLANK SHOOTINGS, OR BY CHUCKING THEM
OUT OF WINDOWS.
THE ONLY WAY'S JOE'S GONNA KILL YOU IS BY REPEATEDLY TELLING THE
SAME STORY.
( AS BIDEN )
FINGERS, TOMMY POTATO, SLAPJACK, AND POPCORN, ALL STANDING AROUND
SHARING A BIG BUCKET OF MOTHBALLS.
THE YEAR WAS 40-AUGHT-2, AND WE WERE STARIN' UP AT AN OL'
HUCKLEBERRY MOON.
ANYWAY, SLAPJACK WAS A BIG GUY AND HE HAD THESE TINY LITTLE
FEET.
HEY!
DON'T PASS OUT!
KEEP BREATHING!
COME ON, WAKE UP!
DANG IT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
"LOST ANOTHER ONE."
( LAUGHTER )
THINK BIDEN IS WEAKER.
IT'S THAT THEY'RE CRUSHIN' HARD ON VLAD.
HERE'S THE LAST G.O.P. SECRETARY OF STATE, WHAT'S LEFT OF MIKE
POMPEO.
>> VLADIMIR PUTIN RESPECTED US.
WE HAD RESPECT FOR HIM AND HIS POWER.
HE'S A VERY TALENTED STATESMAN.
HE HAS LOTS OF GIFTS.
>> Stephen: MIKE, DON'T OPEN THOSE GIFTS!
THOSE GRAPEFRUITS FROM HARRY & DAVID ARE TICKING!
IT GETS WORSE.
THE POLL ALSO SAID JUST 4% OF REPUBLICANS SAY BIDEN IS
STRONGER THAN PUTIN, AND 25% DECLINED TO TAKE SIDES.
THAT MAKES SENSE: REPUBLICANS HAVE A LONG HISTORY OF IDOLIZING
RUSSIAN LEADERS.
WE ALL REMEMBER REAGAN'S FAMOUS SPEECH:
>> MR. GORBACHEV, I LOVE WHAT YOU'VE DONE WITH THIS WALL!
>> Stephen: BUT BIDEN'S STILL GOT A WAY TO APPEAL TO THE FOX
NEWS VOTE, AND HE'S GOT A CHANCE,
ACCORDING TO THIS MORNING'S "FOX & FRIENDS."
>> AMERICA'S RATINGS OF PRESIDENT BIDEN'S PERSONAL
CHARACTERISTICS 60%.
SIX OUT OF 10 LIKE HIM.
AND 37% SAYS HE IS A STRONG AND DECISIVE LEADER.
IF I WAS TO PICK STRONG NUMBERS FOR THE COUNTRY, I WOULD LIKE IT
REVERSED: GIVE ME A STRONG LEADER THAT'S A LITTLE LESS
LIKEABLE.
>> Stephen: THE REPUBLICANS' DADDY ISSUES ARE GOING TO
KILL US ALL.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
RUSSIA, BUT THEY BETTER HURRY, BECAUSE THEY'RE ABOUT TO LOSE
ONE OF THEIR MEMBERS: BRITISH PRIME MINISTER AND MAN WHOSE
CARPET MATCHES THE HAYSTACK, BORIS JOHNSON.
( LAUGHTER )
LOSING HIS JOB, THANKS TO THE SCANDAL BRITS HAVE DUBBED,
PARTYGATE.
NO, NO, BRITAIN!
"GATES" ARE OUR THING.
YOU HAVE TO GET YOUR OWN BRITISH SUFFIX FOR SCANDALS.
MIGHT I SUGGEST CALLING THEM "PRINCE ANDREWS"?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SEE, THAT'S BETTER.
IT'S HONEST NJTSZ YOU'RE PUTTING IT OUT THERE!
>> Stephen: THAT'S HONEST, BABY.
YOU HAVE TO PUT IT OUT THERE.
THAT'S WHAT ANDREW DID.
HE PUT IT OUT THERE, THAT'S WHY IT'S A SCANDAL-- ALLEGEDLY,
ALLEGEDLY!
SO WHAT IS PARTY PRINCE ANDREW?
WELL, LATE LAST YEAR, REPORTS SURFACED OF A CHRISTMAS PARTY
THAT TOOK PLACE AT DOWNING STREET, THE PRIME MINISTER'S
RESIDENCE, DURING THE COVID LOCKDOWN IN DECEMBER OF 2020.
THEN, "THE GUARDIAN" RELEASED A PHOTO FROM MAY 15, 2020,
SHOWING THE PRIME MINISTER AND HIS WIFE IN THEIR SUNNY GARDEN,
ALONGSIDE 17 STAFFERS AND HALF-MPTY BOTTLES OF WINE.
SO THE PRIME MINISTER IS GOING TO GET FIRED OVER A GARDEN
PARTY.
THE ONLY WAY THIS SCANDAL COULD BE MORE BRITISH IS IF PBS
INTERRUPTED IT HALFWAY THROUGH TO ASK FOR PLEDGES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT--
AN ALBUM.
TOAT BAG.
BUT IT DIDN'T STOP THERE.
AN EMAIL THEN LEAKED FROM ONE OF BORIS' SENIOR AIDES REGARDING
ANOTHER GARDEN PARTY ON MAY 20, 2020.
IN THE EMAIL, THE AIDE INVITED MORE THAN 100 STAFF, TELLING
THEM TO "BRING YOUR OWN BOOZE"!
OKAY, THAT SOUNDS CHEAP, BUT EVEN IN THE WHITE HOUSE, YOU
GOTTA BRING YOUR OWN SIX PACK.
JUST REMEMBER THE SIGN ON TRUMAN'S DESK: GAS, GRASS, OR
ASS-- I DON'T PRESIDENT FOR FREE.
GIVE THEM HELL, HARRY.
MORE ALLEGATIONS EMERGED THAT STAFFERS HELD TWO PARTIES ON THE
EVE OF PRINCE PHILIP'S FUNERAL.
ON NOVEMBER 13, THERE WAS ALLEGEDLY A PARTY AT BORIS'
RESIDENCE, THEN ON NOVEMBER 27, THERE WAS AN IMPROMPTU
FAREWELL CELEBRATION FOR AN AIDE, NOT TO MENTION THE
RECURRING "WINE TIME FRIDAYS."
I DIDN'T KNOW 10 DOWNING WAS SUCH A PARTY PALACE!
THOUGH IT DOES EXPLAIN THAT WINSTON CHURCHILL CLIP:
>> WE SHALL FIGHT THEM ON THE BEACHES, WE SHALL FIGHT THEM
ON THE LANDING GROUNDS--
HEY, THE PIZZA'S HERE!
I CALL THE PEPPERONI.
NOM-NOM-NOM-NOM-NOM-NOM-NOM.
>> Stephen: PEOPLE WERE NATURALLY--
( APPLAUSE )
NOM-NOM-NOM.
PEOPLE WERE NATURALLY UPSET THAT THE PRIME MINISTER WAS PARTYING
WHILE THEY COULDN'T EVEN ATTEND FUNERALS, SO JOHNSON WENT BEFORE
PARLIAMENT TO TRY TO EXPLAIN: >> I HAVE BEEN REPEATEDLY
ASSURED SINCE THESE ALLEGATIONS EMERGED THAT THERE WAS NO PARTY
AND THAT NO COVID RULES WERE BROKEN.
WHEN I WENT INTO THAT GARDEN JUST AFTER 6:00 ON THE 20th OF
MAY, 2020, I BELIEVED IMPLICITLY THAT THIS WAS A WORK EVENT.
>> Stephen (AS JOHNSON): "MR. SPEAKER, WHEN I WAS
PHOTOGRAPHED SNORTING MOLLY OFF THOSE STRIPPERS' BUTTOCKS, YOU
HAVE TO UNDERSTAND, I THOUGHT I WAS ASSURED IT WAS A "WORK"
ORGY."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
JOHNSON EVENTUALLY APOLOGIZED.
SCANDAL OVER, RIGHT?
WRONG.
12 DAYS LATER WHEN ALLEGATIONS THEN EMERGED THAT IN JUNE 2020
BORIS HELD A BIRTHDAY BASH.
ONE MEMBER OF THE PRIME MINISTER'S PARTY TRIED TO COVER
UP FOR HIM BY CLAIMING THAT JOHNSON WAS "AMBUSHED WITH A
CAKE."
( LAUGHTER )
THING IN THE U.K.
WE ACTUALLY HAVE SOME FOOTAGE OF A BRITISH CITIZEN BEING AMBUSHED
BY A DESSERT.
>> HELLOOOOO!
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS ADRIEN BRODY.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, THE TOP FASHION ADVICE IN THE WORLD...
IS NOT AVAILABLE, SO I'M GONNA TAKE A CRACK.
♪ ♪ ♪