From the studio who brought you Ratatouille,
WALL-E,
and Up,
comes the movie that paid for all of them:
Toys
I- I mean, CARS.
Cruise into Radiator Springs,
a town full of fun, friends, and adventure!
Just don't ask where all the humans are, because we're either extinct,
murdered by our cars,
Or we merge with them to become some kind of
unholy man-car hybrid!
Hmmm....
Probably shouldn't think too hard about that.
Moving on!
Pixar built an empire out of beautiful, emotionally
real tightly-plotted masterpieces!
And Cars is almost all of those things!
As this above average kids movie never reaches Pixar's highest highs,
but it's better than people give it credit it for.
I mean, you know, it's not flawless...
Lightning is... kind of a jerk.
Sally: It looks awful!
Lightning: Now it matches the rest of the town.
The catchphrases are kind of annoying.
Lightning: KACHOW!!
Chick: KACHIGA!!! KACHIGA!!!!
Huh.
I guess we really don't have that much to say about the first Cars movie.
Can we just do Cars 2 instead?
*EPIC REWIND IN PROGRESS*
That's better.
From the studio who brought you Ratatouille,
WALL-E,
and Up...
comes a tedious cash-grab dumpster fire
that's Pixar's worst movie by a long shot.
Cars 2!
You liked Cars well enough...
but since your kids loved it,
Pixar's going full Minions!
And making a sequel about the side character they can relate to.
Because kids are dumb.
This is your fault, parents.
Why didn't you just buy them more Ratatouille merchandise?
Oh.
You remember Lightning,
Sally,
and the rest of the gang at Radiator Springs.
Or forget about them, because it's Mater's time to shine!
Mater: That's funny, right there.
Spin way too long with this annoying southern truck,
played by non-southern comedian Daniel Whitney,
who pretends to be a dumb hick named Larry the Cable Guy,
who pretends to be this buck-toothed truck version of Larry the Cable Guy.
It's like a turducken of fake idiots pretending to be even bigger faker idiots!
After Lightning's simple story of learning to slow down and appreciate life,
Get ready for a confusing plot, about a car who creates an alternative fuel,
Just to make alternative fuel look bad.
But no amount of logic will stop Mater from visiting as many playsets and accessories as possible!
No matter how many forced misunderstandings it takes to get there!
Mater: You know I'm just a tow truck, right?
Finn: Right... and I'm just in the import-export business.
He just told you he's not a spy.
Mater: My line of work is towing and salvage.
Finn: Right, and Ms. Shiftwell's, is designing iPhone apps.
Really? Again??
Mater: Agent? You mean like an insurance agent?
Like, like a good neighbourrr, Mater is thereeee!
See? He's not a spy!
Mater: I'm not a spy!!
I've been trying to tell you that the whole time!
Why is no one listening to him??
So buckle up for a movie responsible for some of Pixar's firsts,
Like...
Their first sequel to stretch a thin comic relief character into a whole movie,
First time they weren't nominated for a Best Animated Feature Oscar,
And the first time they went full blown 'Rotten' on Rotten Tomatoes.
Or as this moron would say:
Mater: Rotten Tomaters!
I mean, do they even have tomatoes in Cars' world?
I guess they must eat food,
'cause, they have those giant tongues.
But it seems all they do is just drink gas.
Unless gas is their blood?
Except Mater mistakes wasabi for ice cream,
which means they HAVE ice cream.
But, the cows in this universe are tractors,
So, do they like, milk the tractors?
Does your car model determine your species?
Your class?
Your ethnicity?
Like do cop cars have to be cops?
Or can a race car be a janitor if he wants to?
And how are cars born?
This car has a mom!
Francesco: My mamma, is right here.
What's the difference between boy and girl cars?
Do cars have sex?
And how??
Are headlights BEWBS?
Girl Cars: KACHOW!!
And how do cars die?
If they keep replacing their parts are they like, immortal?
There's a car Pope, so, is there, Cartholicism?
What kind of car was Jesus?
Sarge is a veteran,
which means there were car wars.
Was he in Car-nam?
What kind of car was Hitler??
Is the engine the brain or the heart?
What's the difference between a doctor and a mechanic?
If they open their door, do all their guts fall out?
Why do cars even HAVE door handles in a world with no humans driving them??
Except this car has eyes in her headlights,
and a steering wheel and seats,
oh geez, they DID kill us all!!
They just evolved, and covered it all up!
DAMN YOU DIRTY BRAKES, DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!
Oh wow, we're really sidetracked there.
Where was I again?
Oh yeah!
Starring: Cars! Money!
Announcer: A hundred and ninety-nine laps and baby, it all comes down to this!
Man, NASCAR is really boring.