-Have you been wondering this? How can I get better connected to my team when they seem to hate me?
Hi, I'm Dr. Paul Jenkins a child and family psychologist. -And I'm Vicki
Jenkins a speech language pathologist but more importantly a mother of four children.
-You've raised four teenagers. -I have and we've got three powerful tips for you today.
-And even a special bonus so watch for it. As a professional psychologist, I have interviewed
literally thousands by this point of teenagers and I get a very consistent message from them.
You know what irritates and annoys them the most? Somebody's trying to control my life.
I doubt that your teen actually hates you. But they're going through some developmental stages
where control is really important and so they get very sensitive and they probably feel like you're
trying to control them. -Right and that brings in some strong feelings you know, it reminds me of
something really funny one of our children said to you. One time you were having a conversation
with our son. I think we imposed some limits restrictions and I remember him saying to you.
"Dad, sometimes I feel like I hate you. I know that I don't. I know I love you but sometimes I feel
like I hate you." -I still remember that, "I love you I don't know what I do without you but I feel like
I hate you", -They probably don't hate you but what they really are saying is I am really frustrated.
I want control, I want respect and I don't feel like I have it. Sometimes they feel out of control in
their own life, their own body, their own experience, and they have to project that frustration and it
often goes on to the parents. -You're gonna be the target. -Yeah. -So, that leads us into our first
tip, look inside of yourself and just check to see how much you really want to control them.
Just check, okay. The self-awareness will do much for you and if you're trying to control them
or change their behavior just notice that. Because I promise you that they do, notice it.
Now there's things that you can do about that and you may be able to start detaching from the
outcomes a little bit and realizing that really your job is not to control them. You're not very
good at that anyway. Let's face it. Your job is. -To love them no matter what and even if.
-You nailed it. -Yeah. -And you did too, you know this. You know that your job is to love them no matter
what and even if. We get distracted though and try to control their behavior sometimes. -You know this
is so challenging for us as parents especially with the teenage years. We do love them and that is
why we want the best outcomes for them and that is sometimes why we start to think that we need
to control their behavior to make sure that they have a good experience. However, anytime you start
doing that the controlling of the outcome it comes off to them that you care more about the outcome
than you do them and that's why it's really really tricky. That's why they channel all that
frustration and those pent-up feelings towards you in the form of hatred. -You said a phrase that
caught my attention because this is where we get stuck. Make sure that they. -Right. -You can't
make sure that they anything, really? That's up to them, make sure that they
do well in school. I had one mom who literally said this to me in my office she said, "Well, what
am I supposed to do then? Just let him fail?", Iand 'm like, what do you mean let him like that's
up to you? But we get it in our heads all the time that it's our job to make sure that they whatever.
No, that's their job, okay. Our job is to love them no matter what and even if. When you're doing your
job well you're gonna feel some pain and I'm sorry about that but that's part of the reality.
It's hard to watch someone that you love making decisions that you disagree with
and that's kind of where we get stuck as parents sometimes. There's some classic
research that showed us that there are two elements of having authority. Now think about
what we're trying to accomplish here is to establish a relationship with our teenagers.
They seem to hate us. we've already talked about how that has to do with control. -You know,
don't really want to have control of their lives but we do want to have influence in their
life and that kind of comes by being part of that at least comes by being seen as an authority
in the best way. -And let's go with that authority idea for a minute because the research shows this
that authority requires two components. If you think of it as needing both of these
you have to be able to set and enforce appropriate limits and you have to be seen as a provider of
good times and good things. -So, our first tip is to increase the fun, smile more, laugh more, have
family game times, have wonderful meals together. -When your kids see you as a provider of good times
and good things it puts you in a position where they're going to take you more seriously when it
comes to the limit setting and we'll come back to that in just a minute. Good times and good things
you mentioned meals for example. Sometimes I had two moms in one of our recent coaching groups
who were so frustrated because they would make these healthy meals and the kids would just
turn up their noses to it or go get fast food or something else.
Think about the meals for a moment. What are you creating that's appealing to them and we can keep
it healthy too. Your sister's really good. -My sister actually is a fabulous cook and she put
together a list of foods that are healthy but are pretty guaranteed that your teenagers like them.
-In fact, go to the URL on the screen. We've captured those recipes for you. Just let us know where to
send it drpauljenkins.com/recipes we'll get that in your inbox. -So, the other aspect
of authority is being able to set healthy limits and enforce them. -The enforcement really has to do
mostly with consequences. Because remember, you can't make sure that they obey.
But you can make sure that appropriate consequences follow whatever their choice is.
So, let's just do a little adjustment for a minute about how we think about consequences. Consequences
aren't there as a punishment or some kind of a punitive measure because they didn't listen to you.
It's not about that. it's about there's a package okay and when you choose this it includes these
things and when you choose that it includes those things and the consequences are just something
that is included in the package. So, rather than punishing them you're simply honoring their
choice. Does that feel a little better? When you can follow through consistently and effectively with
appropriate consequences and you stay calm, calm voice, calm face, calm body. Where you don't get
all tied into it. You simply acknowledge that it's part of the package. -And I have to say with teens,
this is going to take a real team effort. Because coming up with consequences that you can enforce
sometimes you have to be really creative. Sometimes you have to think quite a bit
and you sometimes have to be okay with kind of a delayed consequence too. So, think about it.
It's really tricky because sometimes in the heat of the moment of the heat of the decision
you want to throw something out that is really not going to be very enforceable or very helpful
and so take some time and think about it. -Were sometimes afraid of thinking. But honestly,
if you took half of the time that you're spending fighting with your teenager and just half
of that time to think about appropriate effective consequences that don't require cooperation that
you can enforce whether you have their cooperation or not. That time will be very very well spent
and you'll be in a position where you can do this. You know, I'm thinking of a dad who is
so frustrated because his kid's teenager he had I think two or three teenagers in his home and they
would not cooperate with him on whatever it was. I think it was a screentime battle or something.
I don't know if you've ever had those with your teens and he decided, okay, I'm going to think this
through. I'm going to come up with something that I can enforce. He's a welder and he thought
used his brilliant mind to come up with a box. He designed this box that he made out of steel
that the power cords were inside of and he could lock that box
and they couldn't get the plugs out. I don't know what all the design was but the point is he used
his creative mind to come up with a consequence that didn't require their cooperation. He didn't
have to trust them to not use the screens. He could turn it off and lock it brilliant and he
stopped fighting with his teenager as a result. Let's wrap this back into where we started.
How to get better connected with your teen when they seem to hate you. I hope we've dispelled that a
little bit that they don't actually hate you. This is about control. It's about you staying in control.
What do you see that doing for your connection? If you are more calm, if you are more confident,
can you see that that's going to naturally bubble over into how you interact with your
teen and hopefully create that that better level of connection? -As you get kind of clear
about offering consequences that you can control. It's interesting because then you
give them their choice and you honor their choice and you let go of the outcome and you really
are okay with whichever one they have chosen and then they see their respect for you grows because
you're honoring their choice and they see that you are treating them as the adult they are becoming.
-Hopefully, that gets you thinking we're not leaving you hanging. In the next video is five things
that every parent of a teenager needs to know. You're going to want to queue that one up next.