This whole Death Land journey began in Las Vegas at Raad fest.
A conference for people who wanted to extend their lifespan or even cheat death altogether.
In episode two, I met people who no longer have that option.
I sat with people as they found out that they were dying.
By now, because I mentioned it,
you'll know that my anxiety around dying is the whole reason that
this series began.
And when I did a callout about it, a lot of you said that you also
suffer from death anxiety.
So we thought it was worth discussing properly.
So, we're going to dedicate this whole episode to talking about it and it might get a little personal.
You're looking at me like you're going to ask me something I don't like.
Hi – Hi, how are you?
Hey, I'm very good.
Hi, how are you? – I'm doing fine, how are you?
How often do you think about death?
I think about death every day.
It used to be on a daily basis.
I have these thoughts about death,
I'd say every alternate day I wake up at around four in the morning
and I have like, hot flushes and sweating.
Most days the concept of death has at least crossed my mind.
Twice an hour.
I think everything triggers it because I'm hyper aware of like,
danger.
So, say I'm just walking down some steps I will imagine myself falling down them.
I'm on an escalator, I imagine that the escalator is going to collapse
and I'm gonna fall into the mechanism.
You know those signs that stick out from shops,
I imagine them falling on my head.
It's just the background of my mind.
I'm not constantly about to cry about it.
It's just there.
For me it just seems like a normal response to a dangerous world.
What thing do you worry about most?
Is it yourself dying, somebody else that you know dying?
My mom was very, very ill when I was about 11.
10 or 11.
So my aunt passed away and it was really tragic.
She was at the peak of her health and she suddenly passed away.
I put my dog to sleep …
I'm going to get a little upset, sorry.
That's OK.
… last month and that was tough.
That's where all of my now anxiety comes from.
When I was nine, I think, there was a really terrible car accident
at a family wedding I was at.
And I think our car was behind that car
so we actually came upon it first
and I think as a nine-year-old, who was like having a really nice time at a wedding,
to be confronted with something that looks so
horrible and quite scary was like …
I guess I was traumatised by it.
It would be the simple way of saying it.
I think probably from the point the car accident happened,
I probably improved and then like four years ago,
I saw another really terrible accident which sort of set it back again.
That was a cyclist who got run over by a truck while I was on my way to work
and that, again, I was like right in front of it, in a vehicle.
So, as I got older, it's just getting worse, I think.
'My dad's dead.'
'Shit.'
Why do you think it is that people don't like talking about death?
Because the society definitely does not prepare,
does not discuss death, does not consider it
and then when it happens it hits everyone like a tonne of bricks.
Their whole world collapses.
In this society, we don't talk about death
and I think the reason we don't talk about death is that most people are actually quite scared of it.
It's something that you can't know what it is
and I think for a lot of people they just want to push it to the back of their minds
and get as far away from it as possible.
It is really hard to talk to someone who's experienced loss or is concerned about death.
It's really difficult for people to do.
It's almost because I think they don't want to be attached to the subject.
It's like a contagion almost because once you start talking about it,
you have to consider your own mortality and what that means.
We don't confront death in a sort of healthy way.
Some people will watch videos on YouTube of like horrible things happening to people
and not speak to their, like, closest relatives about their deaths.
We don't know what to say or, like, what to do about it, so we just don't talk about it.
In a classically British, particularly, in a classic British way.
Probably people, even my family and my close friends,
they don't even know that I have this kind of anxiety.
It could be possible that I know
other people who are experiencing the same kind of anxiety and fears
and because we don't talk to each other, we don't know.
At least I know that I'm not the only one.
The relief that I had when I saw your story is like,
'Oh, if there's someone else feeling the same,
we should get together and help each other.
Thank you very much for sharing.
You're welcome, that's my pleasure.
Nice talking, bye!
Bye.
I've absolutely loved hearing from you guys, so please keep sharing.
I'm going to be doing a responses video soon
so leave any questions you have for me in the comments.
Next week I'm being very brave and facing up to my own death
by planning it with a professional.
So click 'subscribe' if you don't want to miss that.