- Being married's so nice.
I never knew relationships
were supposed to make you feel better about yourself.
(audience laughing) That's not really a joke,
that's just a little sweet thing I like to say.
(audience laughing)
'Cause I've been in relationships
where I got cheated on, like long ones.
I dunno if you've ever been in a long relationship
where you got cheated on,
but it changes your whole world view.
'Cause like when I was a kid,
I used to watch America's Most Wanted,
you know how kids do.
(audience laughing)
And I would always think to myself,
"How could another person kill someone?
"How could a human being kill another human being?"
And then I got cheated on,
and I was like, "Oh, okay."
(audience laughing)
"I'm not gonna do it, but I totally get it."
And I don't mean in that way of like,
"No one else can have you",
like I don't care about that,
it's just creepy to have an ex out there
after things have ended badly.
They have a lot of information.
Anyone who's seen my dick and met my parents
needs to die, I can't have them roaming around.
(audience laughing)
Strange, the passage of time.
(audience laughing)
I'm not that old, I'm 35.
That is not old, but I am in a new phase
right before old, called gross.
(audience laughing)
I never knew about this, but I am now gross.
I am damp all the time.
I am damp now, and I will be damp later.
I (laughs), like the back of a dolphin, my back.
I am... (audience laughing)
I am slick.
The butt part of my pants is a little damp a lot,
and I don't think it's anything serious,
but isn't it, though?
(audience laughing) And,
I'll be sitting in a restaurant,
and I'll get up, and I'll be like,
"What did I sit in?"
And it was me.
(audience laughing)
I'm gross now.
I've been talking through burps.
(audience laughing)
I never used to do this.
When I was a kid and I wanted to burp,
I'd be like, "Silence!"
(mimics loud burping)
(audience laughing)
Now I'm tryin' to like, push 'em down
and muscle through 'em.
(audience laughing)
I'll be at dinner, just doin' the bread and the seltzer,
fillin' up like a hot air balloon,
and then I'm like, "(mimics burp) Did you say
"that you were going to Italy (mimics burp)
(audience laughing)
"'Cause we have a travel agent.
"She has a travel agent (mimics burp).
"Listen, I'm goin' to the kitchen,
"does anyone need anything (mimics burp)
"for the, (mimics burp) does anyone need anything?"
Just take a pause, John.
(audience laughing)
I'm gross, I have hair on my shoulders now.
I don't even have a joke for that,
that's how much I hate that shit.
(audience laughing)
I was sittin' up in bed a few weeks ago, like (groaning).
You know, life.
(audience laughing) And my wife
was rubbing my shoulders, which was very nice of her,
but then she started singing to herself,
"Monkey, monkey, monkey man,
(audience laughing)
"monkey, monkey, monkey man."
Not at me,
not to be mean.
This was a song from deep in her subconscious.
(audience laughing)
I don't even think she was aware she was singing it,
but it was certainly not the first time she had sung it.
(audience laughing)
I don't know what my body is for,
other than just takin' my head from room to room.
(audience laughing)
And it's not getting any better.
I'm 35, but I'm still like,
"Hey, when am I gonna get big and strong?"
(audience laughing)
This is it, this is it.
It's just gonna be this.
I'm like an iPhone,
it's gonna be worse versions of this every year.
Plus, I get super hot
in the middle of the afternoon for no reason.
(audience laughing)
As I get older, it's tough to not get grumpy.
It's tempting, I get grumpy about some things,
like I can't listen to any new songs,
'cause every new song is about how "tonight is the night",
and how "we only have tonight."
That is such 19-year-old horseshit.
I wanna write songs for people in their 30s
called, "Tonight's No Good, How About Wednesday?"
(audience laughing)
Oh, you're in Dallas on Wednesday?
Oh, okay, well then let's just not see each other
for eight months, and it doesn't matter at all.
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
The weirdest thing, when I was like a kid,
was how much they scared us about smoking weed.
They scared us about it constantly,
and I've been on tour this year,
marijuana's legal in like 18 or 19 states
in some form or another, it's insane.
(audience cheering)
Yeah, well, all right,
don't "woo" if you're white.
It's always been legal for us, c'mon, sir.
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
We don't go to jail for marijuana, you silly billy.
When I was arrested with a one-hitter
at a Rusted Root concert, I did not serve hard time.
(audience laughing)
I think I got an award.
(audience laughing)
18 or 19 states, and by the way, I agree.
It's a very good thing,
but it's also a really weird thing,
because this is the first time I've ever seen
a law change because the government is just like,
"(sighs) Fine."
You know? (audience laughing)
I've never seen it before,
like gay marriage and healthcare,
we have to battle it out in the Supreme Court
and be like, "Gay people are humans."
And they're like, "We'll think about it."
(audience laughing) But with weed,
it was just somethin' we wanted really badly,
and we kept askin' them for 40 years,
like, "Excuse me..."
(audience laughing)
And then suddenly, the government became like cool parents,
and they're just like, "Okay, here.
"Take a little,
(audience laughing)
"we'd rather you do it in the house
"than go somewhere else, blah-blah-blah, blah-blah."
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
Everything is too fast now, and totally unreasonable.
The world is run by computers.
The world's run by robots,
and we spend most of our day
telling them that we're not a robot
just to log on and look at our own stuff.
(audience laughing)
All day long, "May I see my stuff please?"
(audience laughing)
(John grumbles)
(audience laughing)
"I smell a robot.
(audience laughing)
"Prove, prove, prove."
(audience laughing)
"Prove to me you're not a robot.
"Look at these curvy letters.
"Much curvier than most letters, wouldn't you say?
"No robot could ever read these.
"You look mortal, if ye be.
"You look, and then you type what you think you see.
"Is it an E, or is it a 3?
"That's up to ye."
(audience laughing)
"The passwords have passed, you've correctly guessed.
"But now it's time for the robot test!
(audience laughing)
"I've devised a question no robot could ever answer.
"Which of these pictures does not have a stop sign in it?"
Fuckin', what? (audience clapping)
You spend most of your day telling a robot
that you're not a robot.
Think about that for two minutes
and tell me you don't wanna walk into the ocean.
(audience laughing)