In this video,
we're going to talk about the most productive ways and the right ways to deal
with a narcissistic spouse.
And if you're looking to empower yourself with the right skills and with the
right knowledge to thrive in your relationship,
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[inaudible]
and for those of you who are new to the channel,
my name is Geoffrey and I've dedicated my life's mission to helping you design
the relationship or marriage of your dreams. And in this video,
I'm gonna to address a question from one of my listeners.
And the question goes like this, how do you deal with the narc?
So it the narcissist,
my husband always thinks he's right and it's impossible to talk to him because
of that. He's always asserting his power and talking about how awesome right and
knowledgeable he is.
And he always brings me down and judges me whenever I bring up something that he
doesn't agree with, it's always his way or the highway. Okay.
So let's break this down here and figure out how do we actually effectively deal
with someone who acts like a narcissist.
So the first thing we need to do is to create this mindset shifts in ourselves
first.
So understand that only 0.5 or 1% of the population has some narcissistic
personality disorder.
But I hear people saying that their partner's a narcissist all the time,
more than 60% of the time, I'm hearing that their partners have narcissist.
So the math just doesn't add up there. Something isn't right.
And the real issue here is you're falling for something called the fundamental
attribution error.
And this error is a very scientific term and you can look it up and it happened
so often and is that whenever something is wrong,
we instantly tend to blame character. And to illustrate how common this is,
so imagine that you're driving a car and the person in front of you is driving
like an asshole, like driving really fast.
He swerving through traffic and is driving like a madman.
What's the first thing you think most likely the first thing you think is, man,
that guy's a Dick.
Or you instantly blame his character for the fact that his driving that way.
But think about the last time you were driving like that.
Was it because you're just an asshole or were you having some emergency?
So maybe you going to the hospital or maybe you're very late to a very important
meeting, right? Either way, whenever you do it, it's never your,
that you were an asshole. You rarely blame your own character,
but you blame the environment. So whenever we see someone doing something bad,
we instantly think it's a problem with character.
But the problem with blaming character is that it doesn't leave you with
anything positive. It doesn't leave you with anything productive. I mean,
if you're convinced that your partner's brain is somehow wired in a way that
makes him narcissistic, what productive things can you do with that?
Most likely nothing.
Because the only thing you can do is just perpetuate blame and you just have to
accept that maybe your punters that way.
And whenever I have clients coming to me and they're say that their partner is a
narcissist,
the real cost isn't the fact that their brain is just wired that way,
that that's just the way they are. It's not a problem with character there,
but instead is simply a defense mechanism.
It's a defense mechanism for something they feel insecure about or something
their lack inside and it's often has nothing to do with the relationship at all.
Maybe it's his history, his childhood,
something at work is causing him to feel that way,
to have that defense mechanism.
And once you understand this and once you understand how to work with that
defense mechanism, then you realize that your punter is not a narcissist.
It's just that you don't know at this point how to deal with that a defense
mechanism yet. And when you're dealing with a narcissist,
all their instincts is going to push you to want to do this.
So you will want to tell your partner that they're not as smart or they're not
as right as they think they are. So you're going to try the,
bring your punter's ego down there.
And you might get angry or you might show your dominance back and essentially
your responses will really try to smash their ego to try to get their ego down.
So you're trying to fight fire with fire here.
But when you try to fight fire with fire,
all it does is just create a very negative cycle. And it usually goes like this.
So your partner shows all these narcissistic tendencies.
But we understand now that those narcissism is really caused by their
insecurities.
But then when you try to fight fire with fire here and you try to bring their
ego down and even more,
what you're doing is you're feeding fuel to the root of that Gnosticism.
So you're making them feel more insecure, feel more threatened and so on.
And that will make their behavior worse. And when their behavior gets worse,
you will try to fight even with more fire.
And the cycle just keeps going on and on and on.
And you never ends leaving you both to feel very frustrated and angry here.
So if you understand the root of their narcissism,
then you will understand that fighting fire with fire is not always the best
idea. And so what do you do instead? Well, if you have fire here,
what you need to do is not to fight fire with fire, but fire with water.
You know when there's a fire, you fight the fire weed water.
So if you really understand this and if this resonates with you and you want to
start fighting through that narcissism in the right waist and just leave a
comment below with fight fire with water.
So what do I mean when I say fight fire with water?
First thing you want to do is to understand how is your partner showing their
narcissistic tendencies? And from your question,
it seems like there's three ways.
Number one is that they like to assert their ego.
So maybe they say something like, you know, I know what I'm talking about.
Just listen to me. I know what I'm talking about.
The second way it seems like he's doing is to bring you down.
So whenever you say something, you express your ideas,
they might respond by saying, you know what's wrong with you?
And the third way it seems like he's also doing the mile way or the highway
approach, which is whenever you express your ideas, they say, you know what?
That's really stupid. I don't even know why you're thinking that.
So they always try to bring you down in one of these three ways.
So let's look at how you can respond to each of these three things to figure out
what does the fire look like. So what does it mean to fight fire with fire here?
And what does it mean to fight fire with water?
So the first instance when he says, I know what I'm talking about, you're wrong.
Just listen to me. If you're trying to fight this with fire back,
then you're going to say something like, you know, no you don't.
You don't know what you're talking about. Or you might even say like, no.
Also know what I'm talking about, right?
So you're trying to fight fire with fire here.
But when you try to fight it with water, this is what you'll say. Oh,
so you think X is right? Why do you say that?
So you're not fighting or countering what he's saying,
but you're kind of playing with it. So you'll say, Oh, so you think X is right?
So you think your decision is right. Then you want to end it with a question.
And this question is really, really, and you're going to say something like,
what do you think? Why do you say that? What makes you think that?
What makes you think you're correct? And when you say this,
you want to say it in the most gentlest way possible.
And whatever you say can be water. But if your tone is fire,
then it's not going to work.
So have both your tone and your words be water here. And if they say,
you know what's wrong with you? If you're trying to respond to this with fire,
you're going to say, you know, nothing is wrong with me.
Why are you being such an asshole?
Like that's what you can say if you're trying to fight fire with fire.
But if you're trying to fight it with water, then you can say something like,
Oh, so you think my idea is really bad? What makes you say that?
Why do you think that? So again,
you're not negating and countering and fighting what he's saying,
but you're kind of playing along with it. Then you want to ask a question like,
what do you think? What makes you think that? Then the last example here,
if he says that's a stupid idea, I don't know why you would even think that.
You know, if you're trying to fight this with fire, you would say, no,
that's not a stupid idea. Like what's wrong with your screw you. But again,
even trying to fight this with water, you would say, Oh,
so you think that X is stupid? What makes you say that?
And when you try to fight their fire, would water like this?
That's really powerful because usually when you respond with water,
you realize all the insecurities,
all that stuff goes down and their narcissistic tendencies also softens as well.
And in fact eventually will go away. But even if you ask this question,
let's say you ask this question of how you think this is a stupid idea,
what makes you say that? And they resist even more.
What is happening is that when they're sensing that you're countering at water,
they're adding fuel to their fire even more. And when this happens,
you shouldn't give up yet.
You know you shouldn't go back to fighting fire with fire because then you will
just add fuel to that fire again.
But you want to fight that with even more water. So you can say, Oh,
so whatever I said made you mad, why do you feel that way?
So you're never negating whatever he's saying.
But just kind of playing along with it and asking him what he thinks.
Just to clarify it a bit more. And as you keep doing this,
if you keep fighting that fire with water,
then eventually he'll realize that you didn't want all this fire has no purpose.
All this fire does nothing to you, does nothing to get him what he wants.
And eventually that fire will go away. So whenever you're dealing with a narc,
try that method and it works wonders with all my clients and there's no reason
why it doesn't work for you.
But the important thing is that you must think longterm here.
So when you're dealing with a defense mechanism like this,
that defense mechanism was built over many years and you kind of expect that to
just go away after one conversation.
Even a week or two weeks is never going to be this overnight thing.
But I can guarantee you that if you keep fighting fire with fire,
you're just going to keep making things worse.
But if you start to fight that fire with more water and whenever there's more
fire,
you find it with even more water by asking the right questions and responding
the right way, then eventually all that fire will die down.
They'll realize that, Hey, there's no reason to feel threatened.
There's no reason to have this defense mechanism in this relationship.
And once they learn that, then their defense mechanism goes down.
And along with that, their narcissistic tendencies will also go down as well.
But again, this is not an overnight thing.
And you have to keep going and keep fighting that fire with water.
And if you want a resource that can help you stay emotionally Bulletproof during
very fiery moments and also understand how to start and progress and enter a
conversation in a way that lower star defense mechanism.
Then you also want to download my free training.
And that free training will tell you exactly what you can say from the beginning
to the end to control your emotion and to also manage your partner's emotions as
well. And so if you're interested in that free training,
then you can click the link in the description box below this video.
And if you want to find a place where you can discuss your issues or concerns in
your relationship,
then you can also join our Facebook group where you can post your questions and
actually get really good advice and expert advice on those questions.
And the link to that Facebook group is also below this video.
But in the meantime,
leave a comment below and let us know what other issues are you having in your
relationship? What are you stuck with? What is driving you nuts right now?
So leave a comment below and I'll try to respond to those comments as soon as
possible. Or if it's a really good question,
I will even make a new video out of that. But in the meantime,
if you find this video helpful than like this video and subscribe to this
channel for more content like this one and all this,
and remember that you have the power to transform your relationship by yourself.
So even though your partner doesn't want anything to do with the relationship
right now, that's okay. Because when you can change your own behavior,
you can really break that negative cycle yourself and you start a more positive
cycle. But in the meantime, I will see you in the next video.