- My God, you know, I've tried everything.
I've tried self-help and I've tried "The Secret"
and 12 Steps and...
this dick-sucking whore has cracked the code.
[laughter]
- How you doing, ladies?
Can I interest you in a...
threesome?
[gasping, panting]
Welcome to "This Is Not Happening."
I'm your host Roy Wood Junior.
[gasping, panting]
[dramatic musical sting]
- Huh. What's up, Little Roy?
- I did it again.
[dark music]
♪ ♪
[goat bleats]
- Hello, Roy.
How's the water? [echoing] Water...water...
Does it feel...pure? [echoing] Pure...pure...
[dark electronic music]
- Can you feel me...
inside of you?
♪ ♪
[cheers and applause]
you know him from his podcast,
"The New York City Crime Report,"
Pat Dixon, everybody!
[cheers and applause]
- I'm not local. I live in New York.
I live in Chelsea, uh, and before that,
it was, uh, Queens,
and, uh, before that, I lived in my car, uh...
Not poverty or anything. I just--I had this idea
that I wanted to be in show business.
Ha ha. Uh...
I would be on the road doing stand-up
35 or 40 or 45 weeks a year,
and, uh, it's--I know it sounds glamorous, uh...
but the truth is, it's not.
It beats working, though.
Working is the worst, and so, uh...
[laughter]
One week I was not working
in, uh, Nashville and I met this girl
working in the box office, and she told me
she was having a birthday party that night.
And that was the Wednesday, the first night of the week,
so I went, and, uh...
When I got there, I saw her,
and she was dancing, this natural redhead,
and she was wearing skintight leopard-print pants,
and she was laughing the whole time she danced.
Never seen anybody like that and then...
we were introduced, and she just had this intensity,
you know, she's like hypersexual
and just really interesting right off.
And I kinda halfway fell in love with her, really,
right then, you know. And she gave me a big hug
before she left me standing there.
And she was covered with this--
There was like a mist around her, you know.
She'd been dancing, the warm was room.
Or, uh, the room was warm.
[laughter]
The warm was not room at all, but...
[laughs] She'd been dancing,
and she was kind of sweaty, you know,
and I got close to her.
So she gave me one of those hugs
that you give somebody that you used to fuck.
[laughter]
But you've since moved on.
And, uh, somewhere between her hair and her shoulder,
right there, and I caught a whiff of, like, sex, you know.
Just...the smell, you know?
And that was the first time I smelled Laura.
And Laura...she expressed a little attraction
towards me, I think.
I don't know, sometimes these things'll be
misinterpreted, but I--
[laughter]
I took it that way, you know,
because she said to me, "If you weren't married,
I would take you home and fuck your cock off."
[laughter]
And although it was true, I was married,
I-I took that as a firm offer.
So, uh...and my marriage was kinda lousy.
We didn't talk to each other anymore.
We didn't--The more I was on the road--I was gone a lot,
I wasn't home, and we started to have
less and less in common.
Laura, on the other hand-- pretty flexible.
And, uh, she was similar to me, you know?
She was like, uh, no responsibilities
and she would sleep on couches
and she just kind of, uh, was willing to travel.
And so it got to be a habit, whenever I would leave town,
I would pick her up
and we would go and have sex in hotels.
Cheap ones, mostly. Disgusting.
I know it's disgusting. It really is.
But I loved her--I was just madly in love with her.
I mean, she's a beautiful girl, red hair and blue eyes,
and her answer to everything was "yes."
[laughter]
And I didn't have any defense for that right then.
You know what I mean? 'Cause if you meet somebody
and they fill a void in you, you know,
and you seem to fill a void in them,
and you guys are filling each other's voids and...
You should--There's one thing you should do--run away.
Like when a woman will blow you a couple times a day
if you want, you have that going,
and it changes your life.
It changes the way you process things.
You start thinking everything's great.
[laughter]
You know?
Like, uh...like your life is falling apart, you know,
but it feels like everything's finally coming together.
Man, I've never-- You're skipping.
You've got a spring in your skip, you know.
My God, you know, I've tried everything.
I've tried self-help and I've tried "The Secret"
and 12 Steps and...
this dick-sucking whore has cracked the code.
[laughter]
You know?
But...just, uh, more and more time,
I was starting to see her pissed, you know.
And as we moved into the summer,
the summer got to be July,
and we had a big falling out, and she left in a rental car.
I figured that's it, you know, it's ran its course.
And when the phone rang a couple days later,
it was her, and I figured it was for closure.
But it wasn't. she told me all about
how she had downed a lotta liquor and pills
and had to be revived in a hospital
outside of Atlanta.
And, uh, she had been dead and brought back to life.
You know, a lotta guys will bail
after the first suicide attempt.
But, uh...
I-I had a lotta hope.
And, in fact, I think it made the relationship stronger.
And, you know, I don't know if you've had this experience,
maybe you have, but you meet a girl
and it's great and it's nice.
And then you start to notice some inconsistencies
here and there, you know, things don't quite add up.
And then she starts talking about killing herself.
Anybody?
[laughter]
I mean, it doesn't have to be a woman, a guy--
[stammering] And all the suicide talk, you know,
she's, like, uh, she used to say, uh...
I remember one time she told me,
"When you get back from the show,
"I'm gonna be dead.
I'm gonna be dead in your hotel room."
When someone says that you say, "Oh, my God, don't do that.
"Jesus, that's terrible.
Whatever you do, don't do that," you know?
At first.
[laughter]
And then eventually she tells me,
"I'm gonna be dead in your hotel room
when you get back," and you go,
"Sounds like a housekeeping issue."
[laughter]
"I'll--I'll mention it." Ha ha.
"You know, it would solve a lotta problems for me,
"actually, if you would...
go ahead and pull the trigger on that plan."
'Cause I mean, uh, you know how it goes.
I mean, you know, the attempted suicide
and then the talk about suicide.
Like, I can't give this bitch a reason to live, you know?
And then... when you finally wanna
break up with her, what happens?
Then she wants to tell your wife everything.
Well, I know we've all been there.
But, uh...
So my wife left, and, uh, that was for good.
It was more of a formality than anything.
And, uh...
then we're together all the time, Laura and I.
You know, she, like I said, kept everything
in a couple of duffle bags,
so she threw those in the trunk of my car
and from that point on, it was kind of a blur.
I mean, it was just sex and hotels and fighting.
A lot of fighting, you know, a lot of suicide talk.
You can't stop the suicide talk.
Only one way to do that. Ha ha, so...
[laughter] But, uh...
that didn't occur and, uh, you know,
and--and there was a fake pregnancy then.
She told me she was pregnant.
And fortunately, it was followed by a fake miscarriage.
I mean, you have to kind of take her at her word
at some point. "Oh, you're pregnant?"
How do I prove she's not?
And so that becomes your truth, you know,
and now you're living in this insanity, you know?
But I came a lot.
And...and so that's what keeps you in,
you know what I mean, is that the sex is so good,
you know what I'm saying. [laughter]
That it--it's like the closest thing to like, uh,
evidence of the existence of God that you've ever seen.
And deep down, we all wanna believe.
And she was always threatening the cops.
Even with the suicide talk. I'd say,
"I don't know how to handle this.
"I think I should call the police,
because I think we need help," and she'd go,
"If you call the police,
"I'll tell them you were hitting me,
and you'll go to jail."
Said, "Well," you know...
"Well played." [laughter]
Like I said, I was very ill-equipped
to deal with the situation. I remember one time
I was in Indiana. She told me...
You know, we were fighting and everything,
and I was trying to get rid of her.
"We have to break up. This is insanity.
I hate this," you know? I felt imprisoned, you know?
She goes, "Oh, really? I'll go you one better."
She goes, "If you give me $200,
you'll never see me again."
I had $200 in my hand by the time she finished the sentence.
[laughter]
She took the money. She looked at it, folded it,
tucked it into her bra,
sat down on the couch, and read a magazine.
You win, you know? I mean, I...
We never spoke of it again.
I was like, "Yet again, you win."
So she was drunk one night, and I took her home.
I left her with her mother, and that was it.
I felt so free and alive,
and it felt so good just to be alone again
and to not have all her shit in my trunk.
And then, uh, the phone started to ring,
and it rang throughout December.
It would ring 36 times a day, 25 times a day.
And I remember we had a mutual friend
who was gonna come and we were gonna work together
in Chattanooga, Tennessee.
And, uh... that's close to Nashville.
So I said, "Don't call her.
"Don't tell her you're gonna be around, okay,
because she's kind of stalking me."
He's like, "Oh, yeah, yeah, I've had 'em do that before."
I'm like, "It's serious, okay?"
Tried to emphasize it.
She called me 15 minutes later and said, uh,
"Hey, quit telling people I'm stalking you, okay?"
Said, "You don't know the meaning of stalk."
And, uh...
it was January 4, 2004, and I remember the date
because that's the date that someone tried to murder me.
[scattered laughs] I went to the IHOP,
International House of Pancakes, which...
I've had many great experiences there.
Like the food, good service, you know?
So I get out of the car,
and I'm walking into the restaurant
and I hear my name. "Dixon," you know.
And I turn around, and, uh, there she is, you know?
So angry. Grabs me by the arm, you know.
She says, "I just wanna talk. I just wanna talk to you!
I just wanna talk to you!" and I'm like, oh, Christ.
So I'm trying to work my way towards the pancakes.
[laughter]
We get right up to the door,
and she reaches into her jeans pocket
and she pulls out this 9 millimeter Glock--
I later found out that's what it was.
At the time, my brain just processed it as "Guh!"
She goes, "Look, I've got this 9 millimeter."
And I grabbed her wrist and, uh,
I tried to shake the gun out of her hand, you know,
squeeze it out. And she jumped on my back,
and she starts scratching my face, you know?
She's growling like some-- Like an animal, you know,
like she's injured or something.
And she's holding on to my head by my eyes.
She's digging into my eyes,
trying to squeeze my eyeballs and everything.
And, uh, so I had the gun in my hand,
and I got inside and I slid it across the floor,
and there was security guards there.
At IHOP.
[laughter]
Pretty, uh, good luck. And they separated us
and, you know, I was outside, she was inside.
And then I heard this banging on the window, you know?
And I turned around, and it was her.
You know, she's like...
as if she'd gotten what she'd wanted, you know?
Mission accomplished. Take that.
So I was filling out a police report
a few minutes later, and a policeman came over.
And, uh... it's a funny thing.
He says, "You know"-- And I found out from him
that they had told her-- They said, "What did you
intend to do with the gun?" And she said,
"I was gonna shoot that motherfucker,
and then shoot myself."
[crowd murmurs] I said, "Oh, she says
shit like that all the time."
[laughter]
[applause]
Oh, thanks a lot.
- Pat Dixon!
[cheers and applause]