THERE'S A LITTLE NEWS OUT THERE FROM THE 2020 CAMPAIGN TRAIL.
FORMER STARBUCKS C.E.O. HOWARD SCHULTZ HAS SUSPENDED HIS BID
FOR PRESIDENT.
YEAH.
( APPLAUSE )
JUST LIKE WE "SUSPENDED" THE FAMILY DOG TO A NICE FARM
UPSTATE WHERE HE CAN "RUN FOR PRESIDENT," TOO.
YOU'LL RECALL, SCHULTZ IS THE BILLIONAIRE TESTING THE WATERS
FOR A RUN AS A CENTRIST INDEPENDENT.
AND AMONG ALL THE 2020 CANDIDATES, I'M PRETTY SURE
HE IS ONE OF THESE FOUR GUYS.
UNLESS THOSE ARE ALL GUYS WHO HELPED ME AT THE "MEN'S
WAREHOUSE" THIS MORNING.
WHEN SCHULTZ ANNOUNCED HIS POTENTIAL RUN, THE RESPONSE WAS,
TO PUT IT IN STARBUCKS TERMS: A ROOM-TEMP, LOW-FOAM DECAF "WHO
CARES."
BUT HE HASN'T OFFICIALLY GIVEN UP, THOUGH HE DID FIRE MOST OF
HIS CAMPAIGN STAFF IN A MOVE THAT AN AIDE CALLED "REALIGNING
THE TEAM FOR THE NEXT PHASE OF HIS EXPLORATION."
HE HAS GOT THE CORPORATE LINGO DOWN.
"I'VE BEGUN PRO-ACTIVE STREAMLINING DUE TO THE LACK OF
SYNERGY BETWEEN ME AND HAVING A FRAPUCCINO'S CHANCE IN HELL."
BUT SCHULTZ DOES HAVE A GOOD EXCUSE FOR TAKING A BREAK.
IN A CAMPAIGN EMAIL, HE SAID, "DEAR FRIENDS"-- "FRIENDS"
PLURAL?
LET'S NOT GET AHEAD OF OURSELVES, HOWARD.
BUT GO ON.
"I, UNFORTUNATELY, EXPERIENCED ACUTE BACK PAIN THAT REQUIRED ME
TO CUT MY TRAVELS SHORT.
I UNDERWENT THREE SEPARATE BACK SURGERIES.
TODAY, I AM FEELING MUCH BETTER, AND MY DOCTORS FORESEE A FULL
RECOVERY."
WELL, THAT'S GREAT NEWS.
ALTHOUGH, I DO HAVE A HUNCH HOW HE GOT HURT.
"GUYS, HAVE YOU SEEN MY POLLING NUMBERS?
THERE'S ONLY ONE DIGNIFIED WAY OUT OF THIS.
QUICK, THROW ME DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS!"
LAUGH
( CHEERS )
DO HAVE MY OWN ANNOUNCEMENT DEAR FRIENDS, AS OF TODAY, I AM
OFFICIALLY SUSPENDING CARING ABOUT HOWARD SCHULTZ.
I HAVE NOT DISCUSSED THIS WITH MY FAMILY OR WITH MY SPIRITUAL
ADVISER.
I TRIED TO, BUT NO ONE WANTED TO TALK ABOUT HOWARD SCHULTZ.
BUT THERE ARE THINGS PEOPLE DO WANT TO TALK ABOUT.
FOR INSTANCE, IT'S PRIDE MONTH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT-- THAT'S A LOVELY RESPONSE, BUT NOT EVERYBODY'S PROUD THAT
IT IS PRIDE BECAUSE THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION HAS BARRED PRIDE
FLAGS FROM EMBASSY FLAGPOLES.
( BOOING ) MAKES SENSE.
THEY NEED THAT SPACE FOR THE NEW BANNERS THAT SAY "NOW
ACCEPTING ELECTION INTERFERENCE!"
YOU SEE, UNDER BARACK OBAMA, PRIDE FLAGS WERE ALLOWED TO FLY
AT U.S. EMBASSIES, BUT LAST YEAR, THE RULE CHANGED, AND THEY
NEEDED TO REQUEST PERMISSION FROM THE STATE DEPARTMENT.
THIS YEAR, "ALL REQUESTS WERE DENIED," INCLUDING ONES FROM
"EMBASSIES IN ISRAEL, GERMANY, BRAZIL AND LATVIA."
YOU CAN'T DENY LATVIA THE JOY OF FLYING THE RAINBOW FLAG.
I MEAN, FOR PETE'S SAKE, THEY DON'T HAVE COLOR THERE YET.
THEIR SKITTLES ADS JUST SAY, "TASTE THE GRAVEL."
BUT HERE'S THE THING-- NOT FAIR.
I'M SURE IT'S A LOVELY COUNTRY.
THAT'S NOT FAIR AT ALL.
IT'S A CHEAP BUT EFFECTIVE JOKE.
BUT HERE'S THE THING: THE EMBASSIES ARE REBELLING.
BECAUSE THE RULE SAYS TECHNICALLY YOU CAN'T PUT THE
PRIDE FLAG ON THE FLAGPOLE, SO INSTEAD, THEY'RE PUTTING IT ON
THE FACADE OF THE EMBASSY IN SEOUL, THROUGH LIGHT PROJECTIONS
ON THE EMBASSY IN NEW DEHLI, AND IN NEPAL, EMBASSY STAFF WORE
RAINBOW COLORS AND HELD UP PRIDE BALLOONS.
HELL YES!
BECAUSE THAT IS THE BEST!
FINDING WAYS TO BREAK THE RULES IS WHAT PRIDE IS ALL ABOUT!
REMEMBER, THIS ALL STARTED WITH A CLASH WITH POLICE OVER THEIR
OPPRESSIVE ANTI-GAY TACTICS.
AND THAT SPIRIT OF REBELLION IS NOW SO FITTINGLY CAPTURED ON
THE T-MOBILE "OUR PRIDE IS UNLIMITED" FLOAT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TONIGHT.
AUBREY PLAZA IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK FATHER'S DAY CARDS!