(somber music)
- For most of 2019, I just felt lost and alone.
I spent the bulk of the year flailing,
trying to figure out how even I got where I was.
(pebbles rustle)
For the first time in a long time,
I didn't know which way to go and I was too scared to move,
each path that laid before me unfamiliar.
I think the worst part of it was I lost my faith in myself.
I didn't trust my intuition and I doubted myself constantly,
and if you can't trust yourself, you can't trust anyone.
I'm getting ahead of myself.
Above all things, I'm still grateful,
so let's run this highlight reel. (snaps)
(moving music)
Last year, I accomplished a lot on paper.
My production company got hired to launch a channel
for PBS Digital Studios, and we did that,
we did that, (laughs)
complete with designing a set
and the whole look and feel of the show,
and then when it came time, I even stepped in as a host
to show that I could indeed do that,
all while getting the show to 100k subscribers
in less than a year.
I look back on everything I did for Say It Loud
and I am so absurdly proud of that show,
I really am.
We finally moved into our own space again
after living with my family for all of 2018. (sighs)
I hit 22k subscribers on this channel
without ever really ever establishing a niche? (laughs)
I spoke at YouTube Black
and my only advice on that is answer your emails.
I got to work with a lot of local clients
producing videos for them
and I really figured out my path,
not only here on this platform,
but professionally with the company.
And rebranded the whole thing too, by the way, StumbleWell.
I settled a lawsuit, I short sold a house.
However, comma, this isn't about the highlight reel,
it's about everything I was forced to learn last year,
and I learned a lot.
I think in my last year review video,
I talked about how it felt like God was breaking me down
to build me into something else,
and 2019 definitely felt like this continuation of that.
There were so many lessons.
And for those of y'all
who have just kind of stumbled upon this video,
I'm Hallease, I'm a digital storyteller, video producer,
and on this channel, I document my chaotic good life.
Here's an intro.
(upbeat electronic music)
(music box chimes)
(moving organ music) Lesson number one,
for better or worse, we are all a product of our childhood.
Amen, if we can all rise
for the reading of the Word of God, amen.
We'll be reading today from 2 Corinthians, chapter nine,
(pages thud) verse six.
I hear some pages rustling still, so I will wait.
I'll be reading from the New International Version,
2 Corinthians, chapter nine, verse six.
If you've gotten to Galatians, it's too far, turn back,
2 Corinthians, chapter nine,
verse six, and it reads as thusly, remember this,
whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly,
and whoever sows generously will also reap generously.
Each man should give what he has decided in his heart,
not reluctantly or under compulsion,
for God loves a cheerful giver,
and God is able to make all grace abound to you
so that in all things, at all times,
having all that you need, you will abound
(pages thud) in every good work.
(book slams)
The reading of the Word of God.
Let's go ahead and pass the collection plate around,
just pass the collection plate.
(upbeat gospel music)
I grew up in a giving family
and that scripture and that song became mantras
that I subconsciously and unconsciously live my life by now,
more specifically in relation to my work,
and while I don't think it's a bad thing
to have a mantra of giving, I think that's quite good,
I definitely gave too much of myself though.
I gave so much of myself to my work
and set such a ridiculous standard
that it became impossible to maintain,
and I ultimately watched it affect my health.
It affected my relationship with my friends,
my family, my marriage.
By the end of 2019,
I was forced to set boundaries with everyone
to maintain my own sense of balance
and it really is like they be saying on the plane,
you know what I'm saying?
Adjust your own mask first
so then you can help somebody else. (laughs)
I learned that it's not selfish to put yourself first.
It is necessary
so you can actually give not grudgingly or of necessity.
Likewise, in that same vein of taking care of yourself
and putting yourself first, hormones are no joke, bruh!
Midway through last year,
I got (laughs) back on hormonal birth control
after being off of it for years
and talking about it here on this channel.
Nobody tells you that the closer you get to 30,
I guess without popping out a kid,
the more your body changes, again.
And while some of my irritability was around the fact
that I was not setting healthy boundaries with my clients,
some of it was also that I literally wasn't balanced.
At its worse, I was on a conference call
and I realized that I couldn't trust my interpretation
of how the call was going
at all.
So much so that after the call,
I ended up contacting one of my friends
and fellow colleagues who was on it,
and in so few words explained to her,
"Hey, I'm possibly experiencing intense PMS,
"possibly PMDD, and I need you to literally explain to me
"how I should feel about the phone call we just had,
"because I know how I feel, but I don't trust it."
So I don't know, I guess have good friends
and/or colleagues at work is the lesson there.
Either way, I'm now on a knockoff version of Yaz,
my periods are borderline non-existent,
my skin is glowing, as many of you seem to have noticed,
and I feel great.
(mellow music)
Most days I feel great. (chuckles)
I am keeping it all the way 100 in this video, woo!
I watched two lawyers go back and forth
putting a price on our pain
and then I settled for it.
(slap)
There's no lesson with that, by the way,
that's just something that happened last year, that's it.
Ooh, and this one, I almost forgot this one,
I walked away from a contract
to produce and host my own travel show on YouTube.
Let that sink in,
I want to make sure the people in the back hear that.
I almost had my own travel show here on YouTube,
like people were gonna give me money, asterisk,
to do that, and I walked away.
And the lesson with that is
trust however you define your gut.
For me, I define it as the Holy Spirit guiding me.
I swear there have been times where I felt something
tapping me on my shoulder
and like that meme of Patrick slow-mo coming up
to SpongeBob's like sponge ear, I guess,
I'll hear a voice that's not my own be like,
"The Devil is busy, be cryptic."
Or something else I've heard has been,
"You don't need to understand why this is wrong,
"just know that it is and leave."
Maybe for you, it's intuition, I don't know,
but whatever you call it, listen to it.
Yah, I'm still married, das a win (chuckles)
because legit we almost weren't.
Again, hormones are wild and I had worked myself ragged.
Also, last year,
I actively went through a bit of an identity crisis
that wasn't really anybody's fault.
I think y'all kind of got to see hints of it
in the StumbleWell Podcast episodes,
titles like Finding a Silver Lining
and Did We Get Married Too Young?
I realized I wasn't sure of who I was outside of this union
that I've been in for literally my entire adult life.
I met Mr. Hallease when I was 19,
I'm turning 30 this year.
Thankfully, (laughs) I figured it out,
my purpose within the union and my identity outside of it,
and we're good now, but it was pretty touch and go
for a minute, it really was.
So there you go,
those are the lessons I learned about myself
and am still actively working through,
(chuckles) definitely.
Above all things, I'm grateful.
You know, this life is a blessing
and as my mother would say, I am endeavoring to persevere.
In the comments below,
let me know what hard lesson you learned
and are bringing with you into 2020.
And yeah, I'll see you when I see you.
♪ Give and it will come back to you ♪
♪ Good measure, pressed down ♪
♪ Shaken together, and running over ♪
♪ Give and it will come back to you ♪
♪ Good measure, pressed down ♪
♪ Shaken together, and running over ♪
(laughs)
Woo, the things I do for the internet.