- Who comes first in a blended family?
The parents, the kids, or the dog?
If (indistinct) fails, prioritize the animal.
They always love you back, unless it's a moody cat,
then you might have to sleep with one eye open.
(meows)
(upbeat music)
I'm Alicia Decker, Co-Founder of Mended Light,
and married to a great therapist.
While that's awesome, don't get me wrong,
there are still family, life,
and relationship challenges we all face.
No one is immune, even us.
So when it comes to blending a family, who comes first?
My answer, it depends.
Let me explain.
It depends on the priorities of both the parents
that are in the partnership.
If the focus of both of the parents
is on the highest and best good of the children,
then it is the partner relationship that comes first,
because ultimately,
if the partnership cups so to speak is full,
both parents are better equipped
to meet the needs of the children,
both individually and together.
The parental unit becomes a safe foundation
for the children to thrive,
grow and find their way in the world.
If the focus of both of the parents
is not on the highest and best good of the children,
if one or both of their parents lacks the maturity
to prioritize a child more than themselves,
or is stuck in their own mental health challenges,
such as borderline personality, narcissism,
addiction, or something else,
then it is the children that need to come first.
Children need to be protected, provided for and taught.
This is our responsibility to our children
at least until they are adults.
- Mama, chips!
- You're not having chips.
- I don't think she's getting on board with the plan, honey.
- If both parents can not be a safe place
to meet the children's needs,
or at least allow the biological parent
to meet their child's needs
if it is a more challenging blended family dynamic,
then the children need to come first.
It is worthwhile to mention,
this is true for nuclear families also.
Children need a safe, loving environment to learn and grow.
It is our responsibility as a parent to provide that
to the best of our ability.
- Whose toys are these?
- They're yours to share.
- (indistinct)
- To share a personal experience with this,
I remarried for the second time
when my oldest son from my first marriage was two years old.
It became apparent that my husband
was threatened by my toddler son
and even told me he was jealous of him.
How an adult can feel threatened by a child
is not something I can personally relate to
but sometimes a person's maturity
is not correlated to their age.
Ultimately it became apparent, it was not an environment
my son could be safe, loved and accepted.
The number one reason that marriage ended
was because of that.
Well we talked about the dynamics of being a blended family
prior to getting married, it obviously was not enough.
I do believe part of my second husband's challenges
with my son besides his own immaturity and biases,
is he had his own wounds from childhood needs
that were not met.
He'd experienced adverse childhood experiences
and watching a child grow up with the love
and acceptance he did not have, was triggering for him.
I say that to acknowledge the challenges we each have
and being triggered by our own childhood wounds.
I am not without empathy for my second husband,
but my responsibility is and was to my child
and providing a home where he feels safe,
loved and respected,
not to a spouse who is willing to sacrifice
my child's wellbeing because of his own pain.
As it is with so many relationship dynamics,
it is not a matter of a person being good or bad
or a perspective being right or wrong.
We can acknowledge the circumstances or abuse
that created an unhealthy behavior
without sacrificing our children or our own wellbeing.
I say all of that while also acknowledging that so often,
we are trying to raise our children,
trying to give them more than what we had emotionally,
while working through our own challenges
and triggers, often from childhood.
How do you give something to your child that you never had?
How do you model behavior such as love and acceptance
while inspiring them to grow
through challenging life experiences?
What do you do when you don't know how to do that
because you never experienced it?
First, by showing up each day and trying,
secondly, by acknowledging
upsetting or triggering circumstances
and owning that response
instead of trying to project responsibility onto a spouse,
a child, or the circumstances.
- No we're not giving her chips.
- This can feel very vulnerable and scary.
It also takes a decent amount of maturity
to take accountability for ourself first,
instead of blaming something outside of ourselves.
After personally acknowledging what is triggering
or upsetting for you, vocalize that with your children
and or your partner,
as long as your partner is a safe place.
Vulnerably express what is going on for you,
why it is hard and ask for their solutions.
Tell them that you are trying to meet their needs,
but also your own needs.
Express what you think their needs are
and ask them if you're missing anything
or not understanding something about their perspective.
Express what your needs are and ask for solutions.
We all have a tendency to be self-involved
and children are wired to be self-centered, biologically.
From infancy, their world has to revolve around them
and their ability to express their need,
to be fed, changed, burped, cleaned, cuddled, put to sleep.
As they grow from babyhood to adulthood,
part of that maturity is hopefully
that they learned to express their own physical,
emotional, and mental needs in a healthy way,
while being aware of other's needs.
Lastly, recognizing a meaningful life
is based on meaningful relationships.
While a child is not responsible for meeting our needs,
it is perfectly healthy to express
that as adults we have needs and to ask for their help
so that they can be part of a solution
and contribute to a healthy, happy family.
Someday, hopefully they will grow up
to be the parent in their own family
and your example will greatly prepare them for that role.
It is important to recognize
that everyone has different personalities,
which lead to different needs.
Whether you're into Myers-Briggs, the color types,
or any other number of different personality programs,
they each are similar and that there are four basic types.
You typically have a dominant personality type
and a secondary personality type.
These different personality types,
all value different things,
and therefore all have different needs.
We actually have a relationship course
based on four personalities,
where we teach how to recognize your own needs
and the needs of those you love.
If you would be interested in us doing a YouTube video
on personality types, comment below and let us know.
The key to healthy relationships,
especially in a blended family,
is in respecting and addressing those needs,
even if they are intrinsically different.
It's challenging, but it can be done.
It's also important to differentiate
between wants and needs.
If we prioritize meeting one family member's wants
over another's needs, there is a huge imbalance
that leads to disharmony.
If you need more support in your blended family,
check out the video, Being Part Of a Successful Step Family.
Will you do me a favor?
If this video has been helpful for you,
will you share it with those you know and love
that are experiencing these same challenges?
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Remember to keep shining, we need your light.
(upbeat music)