- A knock on the door. I open it. It's the cops.
And I'm like, oh, no, thank you.
No!
[dark electronic music]
♪
[people screaming]
♪
- Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
I hope you're all having a wonderful day.
This is what's known as a robbery.
Do not move. Do not speak.
♪
[laughs]
♪
[cheers and applause]
- One of my favorite comics to watch.
You guys will absolutely love her.
Give it up for Ms. Liza Treyger, you guys.
Let her hear it.
[cheers and applause]
- My story is about a time in my life
where I was just a dumb bitch
who couldn't stop getting arrested.
[laughter]
I just wanted to be in jail all the time.
So the story starts
at Iowa State University,
where I went to follow my one
true passion in life, advertising.
So I show up as a fresh-faced teen just being like,
I'm gonna make commercials.
I hated everybody.
I did not fit in at all.
They made me live in an agriculture dorm,
so it was just, like, all these girls
who had pictures of their farm animals
that were their friends, that they, like,
won contests with and then ate later in the evening,
um, at a restaurant called the Machine Shed.
So, uh, I didn't get along with them.
And then...
I just didn't connect with anybody.
Like, on my 18th birthday in college, I had no friends,
so I just went and got my nipples pierced,
'cause I thought, like, this is a way to, like,
commemorate the time, but, like, that--
that is how lonely I was, that I just
went alone, and was just like, yeah, pierce 'em, dude.
And then I tried to fuck that guy.
It didn't work out. He liked Jesus.
Um...but I tried.
He, like, looked kind of tough.
And, so, I was lonely. I didn't have friends.
Like, my number-one hobby became racquetball.
And...[laughs], like, I don't want to do that.
Um, I'm like a 50-year-old Asian.
And, um...
I was the treasurer of the Jew club--
like, nothing was really happening.
Like, I couldn't find a friend.
I couldn't find a passion.
And so I just, like, started drinking a lot.
And obviously, that's what everyone does in college,
but--yeah, I just got blacked-out constantly,
all the time, and then this one night,
my friend, uh, she was having some friends over.
I remember hooking up with someone in her bed,
and then I had a bump on my head,
but I don't remember how, and then I just
took a nap on the couch.
And my friends all knew that I loved drinking and driving,
so they hid my car keys, so I went--I know.
People are, like, really anti-drinking and driving,
but this was, like, ten years ago, so...
[laughter]
You all got silent.
Who has DUIs here? How many of you?
- Yee. - Whoo.
- Yeah, okay. Um...
[laughter]
Hey, guys. Um...
But yeah, it was just, like, a fun thing to do,
so, like, I rummaged around, I found the keys,
and I went drinking and driving.
And-- but, I was driving to my house,
and then I was like,
I could--I was just right by my house,
and then I was like, I want Burger King.
So I kept driving.
And two blocks from my house,
I get pulled over, and I just act like
the dumb white bitch I am, and I'm just like,
I know my rights. I have a lawyer.
Like, calling my dad and being like, I'm not drunk,
but, like--yeah, it's a problem.
So they take me to jail.
They put me in the drunk tank, which I'm kind of into,
'cause I love the aquarium, and I felt like I was in one,
so I was, like, okay with it.
And I did feel really bad about myself.
Drunk driving sucks. You can kill--
like, it was really an embarrassing,
sad time in my life, and I was like, things need to change.
I need to become a better person.
So I went to A.A., and then I was like, oh, I'm better
than everyone here, so...
[laughter]
So I never went back to A.A.
But, you know, I was, like, "Depressed."
And, you know, just, like, really introspective.
I probably read some books or two.
And I was really trying hard to be sober
and not be, like, a wild gal,
and my friend Shannon at the time,
she had a lot of problems too.
She was trying to be sober-- now we all know
it's because she is a lesbian,
and she was, like, hiding her true self.
You know what I mean? So, like--
but we all should have known.
She had this ponytail that was, like,
gelled really tight, like, right in the middle of the head.
You know?
Like, no casual girl loves soccer that much.
So, we should have known, but,
so she was having weird problems,
like, figuring herself out.
I, obviously, was not in the right place in life,
but wasn't mature enough to be like,
I need to get out of here.
And she called me one day--
this was three weeks after the first arrest--
and she went, "Hey, do you want to have a sober night out,
and we'll go to the gymnastics meet?"
We had an amazing gymnastics team,
and I was like, "Absolutely."
So we--I went to her dorm room,
and before we went to the gymnastics meet, she went,
"I mean, we should have one drink."
I was like, yes, yes.
So, the next thing I know, the bottle of Parrot Bay is gone,
and I'm not sure what kind of liquor it is,
but it's clear, and there's a fun bird on it.
We drank it, and--
and then I just remember us just wanting more,
and so, like, we're walking
through the girls' side of the dorm,
just, like, getting as much booze as we can.
And then I remember my crush on this Woodsy boy.
Like, he lived in the dorm as well.
So I was like, we got to visit Woodsy.
And so, we, um--
so, we go to his dorm, and this is the thing:
like, I was pretty drunk, so I don't remember
the exact details, but I just remember
everyone's face of disappointment.
Like, nobody wanted us there.
And we were just like, you know,
just classic drunk girls.
A lot of leaning and complimenting.
And then...
Next thing I know,
Shannon is bleeding.
Full-on, all the way, all--both her wrists.
Just blood everywhere.
And because I knew she was depressed, I'm like,
clearly, she's trying to kill herself.
So I start running up and down the dorms just like,
Shannon's trying to kill herself.
Call 911.
She's committing suicide.
Call the police.
But she wasn't trying to kill herself.
She was just having a good time punching through
the fire extinguisher glass, so, like, my bad.
Um...
Just a goof, you know.
[laughter]
So we get back to the dorms, we clean her off,
she's laying, life goes on.
A knock on the door, I open it, it's the cops,
and I'm like, oh, no, thank you.
[laughter]
No.
So I just closed the door in their face, but it's, like,
flimsy dorm doors, so they're able to come in easily,
and I just start shoving these--I'm just like,
no, thank you, you know?
Just like, nope, no, just as--all my might.
You're like, "Yeah, thank goodness you're white.
You know, who would not be here today."
And I feel the same way.
And so I'm just shoving these guys.
I'm elbowing them. They finally, like,
get me into the hallway and go into the dorm to help Shannon.
And I just start screaming.
Kick 'em. Kick 'em. Kick 'em.
So she's kicking these cops.
[laughter]
And I'm screaming in the hallway, and I'm sure the cops
were like, we're trying to help a girl
trying to kill herself, you know?
Like, what is happ--like, I'm sure they're like,
"Oh, we're doing the Lord's work" or whatever.
Someone's trying to kill themselves, and these
bitches are just yelling, kicking, and shoving them.
So the cops are actually very, very nice to me,
and they're like, "Hey, we know you're having a wild night.
"It's fine. Just call a friend
"if you have any sober friends to pick you up.
You don't have to go to jail."
But it's the middle of Iowa on a weekend.
No one's fucking sober, okay?
Like, what are you talk--there's horses on the campus.
We're bored, okay? There' nothing to do.
So none of my friends were sober, so I had to go to jail.
And as soon as I figure that out, I just--
instead of being like, oh, please, please, please,
I went, if you were smart, you'd be a detective.
Um...
You should've gone to college, you hillbilly trash.
You just couldn't, like,
graduate from high school, you losers.
So they handcuff me pretty tight,
and then to really, like, stick it to them,
I went limp, and, um,
they had to drag me into the police car.
And they took Shannon off to the hospital.
And I got-- I'm in jail again,
and then I wake up in the middle of the night.
Shannon is in jail.
So...
Shannon, why are you in jail?
Um, she was throwing bedpans at people at the hospital.
So, now we're both in jail.
My sister, you know, back home in Skokie,
finds out about this-- you know, I call her.
Her and her husband drive ten hours in a blizzard to Iowa
to bail me out of jail, and they're like,
"You clearly don't know how to live on your own,
so you're dropping--we're taking you home."
And then they got me a Big Mac, so full circle.
I finally got my cheeseburger at the end, you know?
Um...
But, uh, so we go back home,
and then I followed my next true
passion in life: data entry.
And...
[sighs] It was so depressing.
Um, so I was working in data entry,
and I got a really bad haircut with layers,
with blonde hair, and they over-texturized it,
so that's upsetting.
And then I was living at my parents' house
and just so sad, so I just, like, I didn't learn my ways.
I just kept drinking so much,
and I just kept being a menace to society.
And then it was the White Sox's home opener.
And this is the year after they won the World Series,
so this was an exciting day.
And when they went to the World Series, I got
acrylic black nails that said "White Sox"
in white letters with diamonds on 'em,
so, like, you can imagine.
And so--so we are pumped.
It's my friend's 21st birthday.
We are going to the White Sox game.
This is a whole new life--we're back in Chicago, you know?
And I got arrested third inning.
I know you're all...
You're all wondering, "Oh, my God.
What did you do to get arrested?"
I don't know.
No idea-- all I remember
is the same faces of disappointment
as the party and the dorm room, and just like, everywhere.
And so as I came to from my blackout, they let me out
on my own recognizance--
which...[sighs], no-- I was so drunk.
And all I could remember was my friend's address,
and she lived at 420 [bleep].
I got in the cab, and I went, take me to 420 [bleep], sir.
And so we went to 420 [bleep], and--oh, I'm sorry.
This is so embarrassing. I didn't pay him, okay?
I just ran away, and so...
I--I was, like, grappling whether to be honest or not,
but we're here, so I didn't-- I ran away, and--
and I get to my friend's house,
and they whole time I'm thinking, like,
oh, I'm gonna get so much sympathy.
Oh, I'm so sad. I keep getting arrested.
Poor me. I'm a--mrr--menace, you know?
And she's midway through an abortion pill, so--
yeah, gasps, um, but...
Some of you don't know--you can have at-home abortions.
So, she's midway through an abortion, and, um,
so then I had to give her attention.
What a cunt. Um...
Ugh.
So annoying.
But, you know, and I haven't been to jail since,
so it's been 11 years.
Thank you.
Yeah, and I guess the lesson of this truly is,
no matter how bad life gets, just know that someone's at home
in the middle of an abortion, so it could be worse.
All right, thanks so much, you guys.
♪