Hi, little Davey.
Hi.
Good to see you.
How are you?
Great.
Just put your feet up.
That's fine.
Just got to relax.
I'll do it too then.
Yeah, let's have fun.
I like to do what you do.
How are you?
Pretty good, pretty good.
Haven't seen you in a little while.
What's been new?
You were here in November, right?
When I was here, it was right around those big Malibu fires.
Yes.
And I remember that it didn't affect my house exactly
because I'm not in Malibu.
I still got some money, but I'm not in Malibu.
[LAUGHTER]
And then-- but what was happening was I was in a park.
Because they were evacuating people.
So I was in this park.
And the sky was dark because it's smoke, which was scary.
So I'm on the phone walking, blah, blah, blah.
And then this guy goes, meep meep.
And he goes, Spader!
And I go, hey, man.
And I keep going.
And then he goes, meep, Spade!
And he goes-- they yell, come here.
I actually can't see him.
They go, come here.
And I go, so you know.
How much do I owe this guy because I was in Grown Ups?
So I go all the way over to his car, arf, arf.
What do you need?
And he goes-- and he goes, Nelly!
He keeps yelling.
I go, what?
And it was Nelly.
You know who Nelly is?
Yes.
Nelly the rapper.
[LAUGHTER]
So I knew him.
So I felt stupid.
I go, oh, hey, man.
I haven't seen him for a while.
And I go, what are you doing here?
He goes, I live in Calabasas, and we
had to get out because it was so bad.
So I'm waiting to check in a hotel.
And I go, oh.
And then I go, all kidding aside,
was it getting hot out there?
[LAUGHTER]
And I go, did you take off all your clothes?
He goes, no, I had to put them on because we were evacuating.
And I go, cool, cool, cool.
Because we don't always joke around.
And I go, where's the band aid?
He goes, it melted off.
I go, ooh.
[LAUGHTER]
Sore sub.
But overall, I'm doing good, yeah.
Overall, are things good.
So you just happened to be in a park in Malibu,
and you saw Nelly.
No, I was in Beverly Hills.
But I was in a regular park.
But he had to come in.
I see.
You don't have to pick the story apart.
It's not a lie.
[LAUGHTER]
No, I did see him though.
I thought of saying that after.
Yeah.
But I don't believe the story.
But you look good.
What's in here?
A phone.
Oh, that's your phone in your sock?
Yeah.
I thought you were on house arrest or something.
[LAUGHTER]
You got a big square thing.
There it is, yeah.
That's where you keep your phone?
I don't know.
I guess.
What?
You don't trust it in your dressing room?
You had to bring it out here?
With those hoodlums back there?
[LAUGHTER]
By the way, you really look good.
What's happening with you?
You look good.
Easy, shocked,
[LAUGHTER]
You said I look good last time I was on.
You look even better this time.
No, I did that movie in Hawaii for the last two months.
I think I was eating coconuts and stuff,
so I slimmed down a little bit.
But I'm ready to fatten it up.
Yeah, are you?
Yeah.
No, I'm good.
You know what?
I slept pretty good last night.
And that 10-minute snooze alarm thing I'm really into.
Because you know how you get the little snoozer?
That little 10 minutes is so juicy
because it's sometimes better than the first eight hours,
yeah, because now I know what I'm doing.
I got a good spot in the pillow.
I got it wired.
And I go, just give me that extra 10.
But when that 10 wakes me up, my alarm is horrible.
Because I want it really easy.
I just want, hey, guy, get up.
Like, hey, you killed it, man.
You slept good.
Let's do this today.
But get up.
Pah, pah, pah.
Don't open your phone.
Don't get on Instagram, too bright.
Just take it easy.
Throw the legs over, no rush.
But mine is literally like an Amber Alert.
It's like-- [MAKING ALARM SOUNDS]
[LAUGHTER]
It's like Chernobyl, China, [INAUDIBLE]..
Did Kim Jong flip the switch?
Like-- [MAKING ALARM SOUNDS]
[LAUGHING]
Which throws off your whole day.
It's too much.
It is too much.
Then I crawl over to the computer,
and I kick on the old Yahoo News to see what's going on.
You know what Yahoo News is?
I do.
So I have one of these fancy computers.
I get Yahoo News on it.
[LAUGHTER]
And it's got all the trimmings.
So I get on there.
And sometimes they put these stories on.
They're all boring.
But then now and then, they try to do a clickbait lingo.
Clickbait for that millennial earlier
is where they want you to click on it.
Then you have to click on a bunch of--
it's a trap.
But I fall for it because it's like Trump this, Trump that.
And then you know which one it is.
What's the one vegetable Tom Brady refuses to eat?
I'm like--
[LAUGHTER]
I gots to know.
[LAUGHTER]
I can't help it.
And then I go, no, it's a trick.
And then I start going down.
I can't think of anything else.
I go, I bet it's a cantaloupe.
So I go back to it because it's eating my brains.
I go-- [GROANS] And I know I'm not supposed to, but I go--
and then the first one, of course,
is like, Tom Brady was born in northern California.
I'm like, go, next one.
Tom Brady played football at age of six.
Fast forward.
Give me the [BLEEP] damn vegetable.
[LAUGHTER]
45 clicks later, it's a tomato.
Wow.
Yeah, spoiler alert.
That's a fruit, by the way.
Yeah, a cantaloupe was way off.
Yeah.
[LAUGHTER]
So is a tomato.
It was a tomato.
Is that a fruit?
Yeah, tomato's a fruit.
This whole thing's a scam.
[LAUGHTER]
So the next day, I go again.
And I go, I'm not doing it this time.
Because now I know.
I fell for it.
And then it said, Trump, Trump.
And then it goes, you'll never guess what this '80s actress
looks like now.
[LAUGHTER]
I have to know.
It's consuming me.
Yeah, I understand.
I'll save you 30 clicks.
She looks like [BLEEP].
But listen--
[LAUGHTER]
--it's not her fault because her big crime is
she aged 40 years in 40 years.
I mean, it's so mean.
All right.
Take that out later.
I'm going to take it out.
OK.
All right.
[LAUGHTER]
Just thought we could have a real conversation for a change.
No, I like it.
No, it's fine.
That was informative.
No, it was boring.