♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND, EVERYBODY.
LOUIS CATO AND THE LATE SHOW BAND, RIGHT THERE.
( APPLAUSE )
I'M GRATEFUL TO ALL THE GUESTS WHO COME ON, AND OFTENTIMES
THEY'RE FRIENDS. A FEW PEOPLE ARE AS GOOD OR AS
OLD A FRIEND ADD TONIGHT'S GUEST, STEVE CARELL IS HERE THIS
EVENING.
AMAZINGLY TALENTED. YOU KNOW, THIS IS A CRIME THAT
NEATS TO BE ADDRESSED AT SOME POINT IN AMERICAN HISTORY.
STEVE CARELL, FOR HIS WORK IN "THE OFFICE," NEVER RECEIVED AN
EMMY AWARD. >> Louis: OH, WOW, REALLY?
THE WHOLE RUN. >> Stephen: MAKES IT SEEM LIKE
EMMY AWARDS AREN'T THAT IMPORTANT, DOESN'T IT?
>> Louis: NOT SAYING, JUST SAYING.
>> Stephen: WIN OR LOSE IT'S A REALLY GREAT JOB.
AND ONE OF THE BEST THINGS ABOUT THIS JOB IS THAT I GET TO MEET
SO MANY TALENTED AND ACCOMPLISHED ACTORS, LEGENDS OF
STAGE AND SCREEN. AND AS EXCITING AS IT IS TO
INTERVIEW THEM RIGHT OVER HERE, I ALWAYS WISH I COULD ACT WITH
THEM. OF COURSE, THERE ISN'T ENOUGH
TIME IN THIS SHOW TO STAGE AN ENTIRE DRAMATIC PRODUCTION.
BUT IT OCCURRED TO ME THAT THERE IS ENOUGH TIME TO PERFORM ONE
SCENE FROM A BRAND-NEW, THEATRICAL DRAMA IF WE AWKWARDLY
CRAM ALL OF THE BACK-STORY INTO THE DIALOGUE.
SO WE'RE GONNA DO JUST THAT. RIGHT NOW.
THIS IS "THE LATE SHOW'S TOO MUCH EXPOSITION THEATRE."
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: REGARD ME! ANGELO BE MY NAME, AND YET
TODAY, I AM THE VERY PICTURE OF WOE.
FOR MY LOVE, THE LADY ISABELLA HATH CEASED HER LIFE-BREATHINGS
BY SUPPING UPON A FEAST OF POSION.
SHE, MISTAKENLY THINKING I WAS DEAD, CHOSE TO MAKE HERSELF
ACTUALLY DEAD. AND I, WISHING TO JOIN HER IN
SAID DEATH, ALSO DRANK OF THE POISON, ONLY TO FIND IT WAS
INSTEAD A VERY RARE AND DELICIOUS BOTTLE OF CHIANTI.
( LAUGHTER )
EXPENSIVE WINE. WHY, WHY DOES GOD CURSE ME SO!
HARK... SOMEONE KNOCKING AT THE DOOR OF MY ESTATE HERE IN
VENICE, ITALY, WHERE I RESIDE WITH MY MAN-SERVANT RODRIGO WHO
IS AWAY FOR THE WEEKEND! SO I MUST RESPOND TO THE
KNOCKING. WHO THUMPS MY DOOR?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SINCE THE VERY CRADLE DUE TO OUR FATHERS BEING RIVAL VENETIAN
GONDOLIERS WHO CONTINUED TO ONE-UP EACH OTHER BY BUILDING
LONGER AND LONGER OARS UNTIL THE ABSURD LENGTHS DROVE THEM BOTH
MAD. >> Stephen: BENVOLION!
>> THE VERY SAME! HE WHO HAS SWORN HATRED FOR
THE SINCE THE VERY CRADLE DUE TO OUR FATHERS BEING RIVAL--
>> Stephen: YOU JUST SAID THAT. YOU SAID THAT WHOLE PART BEFORE.
YES, YES! BUT HERE ARE SOME WORDS NOT YET
SPOKEN! IT WAS I WHO TOLD THE LADY
ISABELLA THAT YOU WERE IN DEATH'S COLD EMBRACE.
( LAUGHTER )
BETWIXT US. >> Stephen: BETWIXT WHOM?
CLARIFY YOURSELF!
ISABELLA! BETWIXT MEANS BETWEEN!
>> Stephen: I KNOW THAT! >> FOR, YOU SEE, I LOVED HER,
TOO! >> Stephen: SO YOU WHISPERED IN
HER EAR THAT I HAD ENTERED DEATH'S HOUSE SO THAT SHE WOULD
ALSO RENT A ROOM THERE? >> YES!
BUT ONLY AFTER MY FIRST PLAN FAILED.
>> Stephen: WHAT? SHED LIGHT ON YOUR MOUTH SOUNDS
BY MAKING FURTHER WORDS TO BE RECEIVED IN THE PORCHES OF MY
EARS! COME, LET MY LOBES FEAST.
( LAUGHTER )
WE NOW SPEAK, I SOUGHT TO UNDERSTAND HOW YOU COULD CHARM
A LADY SUCH AS ISABELLA. ONLY BY WITNESSING YOUR
COURTSHIP FIRSTHAND AND FROM HER PERSPECTIVE COULD I LEARN THE
SORCERY OF YOUR SEDUCTION.
I ARRANGED FOR THE LADY ISABELLA TO BE SHIPPED AWAY TO SARDINIA,
BUT NOT BEFORE I STUDIED HER MANNERISMS AND GAINED ACCESS TO
HER WARDROBE SO THAT I COULD BECOME HER AND SEE YOU THROUGH
HER EYES. I SPENT AN ENTIRE SUMMER IN YOUR
EMBRACE AND NO IDEA HAD YOU.
TWO SUMMERS PAST? TWAS THE SUMMER I VOWED TO
UNCOVER THY FAMILY'S SECRETS BY GOING IN DISGUISE AS A
CHAMBERMAID AND PLACING MYSELF IN THE SERVICE OF YOUR UNCLE SO
THAT I COULD TRANSCRIBE THE WORDS HE SPOKE IN HIS SLEEP!
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERING )
CHAMBERMAID, THEN WHO WAS YOU? >> Stephen: I DRESSED A DONKEY
IN MY IMAGE AND SENT IT TO COURT IN MY STEAD.
>> THEN YOU HAVE MADE AN ASS OF ME BY MAKING AN ASS OF YOURSELF.
>> Stephen: BUT YOU SHALL NOT BE ASS'ED LONG, FOR I SHALL SEND
YOUR ASS ACROSS THE RIVER STYX, WHERE YOU'LL BE GREETED BY DEATH
HIMSELF, AND HE'LL RECOGNIZE YOU BECAUSE YOU'LL BE THE DEAD GUY!
>> NNNNNN-NNNNNAY!
IT IS DEATH WHO SHALL BE YOUR BRIDE AT THE CHAPEL OF DEATH
WITH DEATH AS THE ONLY WITNESS.
DEATH. DEATH.
AHHH! AHHH!
UNH! AHHH!
OOOH! ( GROANING )
I AM FEAST FOR WORMS! >> Stephen: TI'S TRUE, BUT IT
WAS YOU OR ME, SINCE SURELY YOU CAME HERE TO TAKE MY LIFE AND
TRANSFORM IT BUT TO A DEATH. >> WHAT?
OH, NO ACTUALLY, I JUST WANTED TO COME BY AND RETURN THIS ROLL
OF SCOTTISH TAPE. >> Stephen: THE SCOTTISH TAPE?
>> THE SCOTT ITCH TAPE THAT I BORROWED FROM YOU LAST YEAR.
>> OH, NO! OH, GOSH.
>> Stephen: I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT THAT.
SORRY ABOUT THE WHOLE STABY THING.
>> IT'S ALL GOOD. BUT WITH MY FINAL BREATH, I HAVE
ONE LAST REQUEST. >> Stephen: WHAT?
ANYTHING. >> PLEASE PROMOTE MY HULU
SERIES! >> Stephen: YOU HAVE MY SACRED
VOW. CHECK OUT STEVE CARELL IN "THE
PATIENT" ON HULU. WE SHALL RETURN WITH STEVE
CARELL! >> I'M ALIVE!
♪ ♪ ♪