Welcome back to the Gentleman's Gazette. In today's video, we'll share how your
everyday body language can send social signals and how you can best comport
yourself as a gentleman.
Today's video is part of our ongoing series on etiquette.
For example, we've already done videos on how to speak like a gentleman and
whether or not superlatives are something you should try to cut down on
in your speech. But just as important as verbal communication, are the things
you're doing non-verbally to try to communicate your point and your mood to
others. Though various different studies have tried to quantify just how much
information in a conversation is communicated non-verbally, these numbers
aren't concrete. Even so, it's well established that nonverbal communication,
for example, the ways in which you sit, stand, gesture, walk, and more do play a
role in how you're perceived. In other words, much is communicated through
things like facial expressions, hand gestures, and overall body language.
Altogether, these things form nonverbal communication.
The study of these nonverbal communication techniques is known as kinesics, but long before this
term was coined, an 1886 book by Francis Warner discussed physical expression
modes including bodily movements, posture, hand, eye, and facial movements and what
all of these mean. Put simply, physical expression can communicate both attitude
and message. And what's more, these nonverbal cues can sometimes be more
persuasive than what you're actually saying. In fact, as Dr. Nick Morgan states
in his book Power Cues, every communication is two conversations the
verbal and the nonverbal. When the two conversations are not aligned, people
believe the nonverbal every time. So while specific actions like gestures
might be interpreted differently based on geography, being
generally aware of your demeanor and comportment is essential to being
understood; whether in social or business settings. The etiquette guidelines we'll
lay out today then will improve conversation, minimize misinterpretation
and overall reflect more positively on you. We'll start today with eye contact and expression.
As we've mentioned before in our video on awkward social mistakes,
the art of mastering eye contact is something that even socially confident
people can struggle with and it does take practice. Never making eye contact
will give the impression that you're shy or disengaged in the conversation, but
staring at someone continuously might make them feel scrutinized.
A simple guideline for casual conversation is to try to make more eye contact with
someone when they're speaking to you and then when it's your turn to speak, you
can break eye contact every so often to glance around at your surroundings.
Also, do keep in mind that the amount of eye contact that a person expects to receive
can vary on culture and where they were raised as well. As far as your expression
is concerned, try to appear open and friendly in most situations.
A serious business conversation or a grieving loved one shouldn't be met with a broad
smile of course, but in general conversation you won't want to appear
cold or distant. Observing your resting expression in a mirror might be helpful;
and similarly, mirroring or trying to adopt the same general expression as
your conversation partners can be a helpful technique to try.
Next up, we'll cover hand gestures. The simplest question to answer here is, how much is
too much? Overall, we'd say that as long as you're not gesturing so wildly as to
invade others' personal space, or alternately if they've told you to tone
things down, then you're probably going to be fine. Hand gestures are a natural
part of human speech as evidenced by the fact that we tend to gesture even when
we're on the phone, and that people who have been blind since birth
still gesture when they speak. Science suggests that
gesturing helps us to form and express our thoughts more clearly. Also, Science
has found that people who talk with their hands tend to be seen as more warm,
agreeable, and energetic while those who are less animated are often seen as
logical, cold, or analytical. As an example of this phenomenon, a 2015 study looking
at different TED Talks found that the most popular viral speakers used an
average of about 465 hand gestures during their talk. This was nearly twice
as many as those used by the least popular speakers. Now that we've gotten
the basics of facial expressions and gesturing out of the way, let's cover
broader body language starting with sitting. More often than not, sitting is
probably the least of your concerns, so long as you're on a chair or a couch
that isn't uncomfortable and therefore affecting the way you're sitting.
However, sitting positions can have different implications socially, such as
overconfidence or feelings of superiority; and some people may be
offended if you sit in different ways. Your sitting posture can also indicate
interest in a conversation or lack of it. We'll start here with sitting with your
legs far apart. This one's going to fall into the don't category, generally.
In public, sitting with your legs wide apart or as it's become known on the internet
in recent years, manspreading has come under a lot of fire. In addition to
physically taking up more of the space around you which might be inconvenient
if seating is limited, it can also project that you're smug or overconfident.
Also, the subconscious implications of the increased exposure of the crotch
area probably aren't lost on most people. Now, of course, it can be uncomfortable
for a man if his two legs are clamped directly close together, and we're not
advocating that you should do this. However, just be mindful that you aren't
spreading your legs so far apart that you're taking up more room than you need
to or sending signals that you don't want to. Sitting this way at home for
example might be fine but if you're not careful about it it
could be carried over into public settings, which would be undesirable.
So, what then are some alternative ways to sit in public? Well, we'll start with the
leg over leg method, which is acceptable. Crossing your legs with one knee
directly on top of the other can sometimes signal that you are more
reserved, but this doesn't always have to be the case. This sitting position is
often considered formal and overall inoffensive as there isn't any chance
for manspreading going on, and you also won't be showing off the soles of your shoes.
It's presentable, communicates confidence,
and can even help your posture as well, which is never a bad thing.
There is another way to cross your legs while sitting, of course, and this one can
sometimes be referred to as the figure-four; where one ankle rests on top
of the opposite knee. This is a popular sitting posture among men and it can be
more comfortable than the leg on leg position we've just covered. Though it
will expose a bit more of the soles of your shoes, it's still seen as a formal
sitting posture in most contexts; and because there is a bit more of a spread
going on, it can subconsciously signal a bit more confidence as well.
The most basic sitting position of course would be to simply have both of your feet, flat
on the ground. This is a neutral position and also formal, allowing you to focus on
the conversation and others to not have to focus on the way you're sitting.
Of course, do be mindful of your degree of spread here as well, in other words,
having both of your feet flat on the ground is basic but effective.
Finally, here we'll cover crossing your ankles while sitting, which, similarly to the leg
over leg technique, can be seen as a bit more reserved. It will allow you to sit
in a secure and commanding position however and you should be able to keep a
bit more distance between your knees. It's still a more formal sitting style
and it should also help with your posture. Next, then we'll move from
sitting to standing. Just as with different sitting positions,
how you stand will also impact how others perceive
you during a conversation or social settings more broadly. The way you stand
can show your degree of interest in a conversation and can also communicate
your personality. We'll start here with the attention stance which is a neutral
and formal stance, where both of your feet are parallel. It's often used when
talking to those in positions of authority, such as in the military where
the name comes from when soldiers stand at attention. It can also send a bit of a
no comment signal overall but like the standard
sitting position, it's basic but effective. Standing with your legs
further apart then has a similar degree of spread to sitting this way, and
therefore can also subconsciously communicate dominance or confidence in a conversation.
In the context of conversation, it may also show that you
have no intention of leaving anytime soon because it's a relatively solid stance.
We wouldn't necessarily recommend standing this way all the time, and you
should be mindful of your degree of spread as always, but it isn't quite as
explicit as the sitting posture. One stance we wouldn't really recommend is
standing with one foot forward and putting all of your weight onto one hip.
Overall, this stance is more casual and because it's not balanced, it may look to
some like you're signaling that you'd like to remove yourself from the conversation.
Of course, there may be other factors for your standing this way.
For example, speaking from personal experience, because of a physical
disability and legs of different lengths, I often do stand with my left leg off to
the side just a bit. Even so, I do try to stand with proper posture and keep my
hips relatively level, rather than letting my left leg bend much more than my right.
Another stance we wouldn't recommend is standing with your legs
crossed. This can communicate excessive self-restraint, defensiveness, or
insecurity, so it's not a good look overall. It might also signal of course,
that you just have to use the bathroom but in either case, it's probably going
to make conversational partners uncomfortable. Next up, we'll cover
personal space or the area around your body that you consider your own.
This can vary again based on region or on culture. It can also, in some cases, be affected by
population density overall. According to a book on body language by authors Allan
and Barbara Pease, there are four distinct zones when it comes to the idea
of personal space. First is the intimate zone at a distance
of 6 to 18 inches or about 15 to 45 centimeters. As the word intimate
suggests, this zone is usually only occupied by those particularly close to
a person like their spouse, children, close friends, relatives, or perhaps even
pets. Next up is the personal zone, between 18 to 48 inches or 46
centimeters to about one point to two meters. This is typically how far apart
good friends will stand, or how far apart people will stand at social gatherings
where everyone is being friendly. The social zone, a distance of 4 to 12 feet
or about 1.2 to 3.6 meters, is the distance we keep apart from strangers or
people we don't know very well. For example: service people, mail men, plumbers,
carpenters, shopkeepers, and so on. And anything over 12 feet or 3.6 meters is
often referred to as the public zone; which is the distance kept between
someone speaking to a large group of people. Now, of course, we're not
advocating that you should bring a measuring tape to every social
interaction to figure out exactly how far away to stand from someone, but as
with anything else, practice and experience will be the best teachers here.
Finally, today let's cover walking -- which, just like sitting and standing, can
also reveal factors of your mood or general personality. A brisk walking pace
with your chin up, shoulders squared, and chest out, will show confidence and
importance. Allowing your arms to move a bit as well can also show
vigor, and will generally communicate that you were on your way to an
important destination. We're not suggesting that you speed walk
everywhere or adopt a particularly affected gait with your arms swinging
wildly of course, but just walking with a bit of confidence will go a long way.
Meanwhile, walking very slowly, especially if you've got your head down, can
communicate a sense of inferiority or shame to other people.
Others might interpret a lack of confidence or a sense of
self-consciousness here. So unless you're looking for something on the ground, we'd
recommend keeping your head up and your eyes straight ahead when walking.
And of course, in today's technological age, we wouldn't recommend that you walk while
staring at your phone, as this can only lead to increased distraction and the
potential for injury. On that note, you can find our guide to phone etiquette here.
The positioning of your feet might also raise eyebrows, especially if
they're pointed dramatically outward which is often referred to as duck feet
or dramatically inward which is often referred to as being pigeon-toed.
Focus on pointing your feet forward with a smooth heel to toe motion when you're
walking and your gait should be good to go. Speaking again from personal
experience, a physical disability like cerebral palsy can affect this.
It's something I've had to work on quite a bit over the course of my life; but
barring specific cases like these, walking with a smooth motion will
project confidence. Another cue for a lack of confidence however when walking
is doing so with hunched shoulders. Overall, it may communicate to others
that you're trying not to take up too much space. Try to straighten your back
and keep your arms relatively at your sides though as we said previously, a bit
of movement in your arms and even in your shoulders might not be a bad thing.
The science of posture and its effects on health and psychology could probably
be its own video though, so, for now, we'll say, stay tuned. Finally here, try not to
walk with your hand in your pockets or with clenched fists.
Having your hands in your pockets might have the effect of hunching your
shoulders, and if you walk everywhere with your fists clenched this is just
going to communicate to others that you might be too tense.
Both of these habits show some degree of self-restraint,
whereas showing your hands to other people communicates that you're
trustworthy and confident. So overall, try to relax and keep your
hands out when walking. As we've mentioned before, if you struggle to pick
up on social cues for any reason, say for example, being on the autism
spectrum find someone you trust and have a private conversation with them about
how to build up your perception of social cues moving forward. On the flip
side, if you know someone who struggles to pick up on these cues be patient and
kind with them but never patronizing. And as we've mentioned throughout the video,
there are obviously going to be exceptions for all of these different
kinds of body language. For example, if you don't have the use of your legs or
if you've got a physical disability as I do. Consider everything we've laid out in
today's video as being general guidelines. Master these techniques to
the best of your ability then and you should project an air of confidence and
sociability around others and overall, look all the more like a gentleman.
In today's video, I'm wearing a smart casual outfit that might be good for some
informal socializing. It's working within a mostly monochromatic palette featuring
the grayscale. The main piece of course is my black cardigan sweater which has
made all the more casual by having two front pockets. I'm wearing it over a grey
and white striped shirt that does have French cuffs though I've got them
configured in a barrel style to better fit under the sleeves of the sweater.
The cuffs are held together with simple black links that aren't really meant to
be seen and don't take up too much space. My trousers are plain charcoal gray to
harmonize well with the shirt, and my black penny loafers are from Allen
Edmonds, they go well with the sweater. Rounding out my outfit today are my
socks, which are from Fort Belvedere. They're also in a dark gray color
but they feature a clock pattern in burgundy and white, for just a bit of
visual interest. You can find these socks, as well as many others in clock patterns,
as well as our famous shadow striped models in the Fort Belvedere shop along
with a wide array of other menswear accessories.