Today is a very important day.
Today we crown our Pak Nation's national treasure,
as voted for by the public.
Last year was a tense toss-off
between Nigel Farage and John Terry.
That's when I turned to Reggie Yates. I said,
"Reggie, you can go to Top Of The Pops.
"I'm staying with Pak Nation."
Where's Top Of The Pops now?
James! What are you doing? You're supposed film with me.
Why are you here with Tintin?
What are you doing in my shop, bro?
Listen, little kid. This is my premises. I'll call the shots.
So, basically, when I say "jump", froggy says, "How high?"
I don't know what just came out of your mouth
but it sure as shit wasn't halal.
So, why don't you take a Fisherman's Friend and fuck off?
And Reggie turns to me and he says, "Who are you again?"
I said, "Reggie..."
James, pack your shit and come with me. Hurry up!
James? James! James?
Who's the daddy?
My dad's called Clive. He came here once, actually. Your daddy!
You are. You're my father. Thank you.
No problem, James.
I'm just going to call your family in Devon and just let them know
that I found a gimp suit under your desk in Christmas.
Yes.
Yes. One second.
It's your mum.
Don't look under my bed.
Thank you.
I love you too.
Bloody Tommy Khan.
Bloody showed him, eh? Yeah. Yeah.
We bloody showed him.
What are you doing?
My wife. Camilla.
She is the apple of my eyes.
Yes. We have... You know, a...
..a biology, physics, chemistry.
Yes. That's what we have.
You know, we have, as they say,
a meeting of the minds, you know?
Yes.
We are one. 60-50.
Together. One.
One person.
One passport. British...passport. Of course.
I met Ahmed on Hampstead Heath.
I was sunbathing, and he was taking photographs of pigeons.
Fashion Passion!
I love it!
Two weeks later, we were married,
and I was hosting Fashion Passion on Pak Nation.
OK, Dolly. Do your dealings.
What?
Just flip the thing.
OK. So, this year's national treasure is...
Voted for by the British public.
As voted for by the British public is...
Drum roll!
So...
ten people voted and they all had the exact same handwriting,
which is a bit weird.
Every single one.
Today, we are at Ealing Cricket Club
and we are about to unveil Katie.
The crowd is absolutely electrical,
and rumours are circulating that Katie herself will be coming down.
Wow.
Thank you.
Hello.
My name is Ahmed Armstrong.
Today, we are here to unveil the national treasure of 2017,
voted by the members of the esteemed British public.
From naming her daughter after the poverty-stricken nation of India,
to gaining four stone,
her empathy and her self-sacrifice has been endless.
Camilla,
can you please do the honours?
Katie Hopkins!
Rolling! Ready? Action!
We are here with the Nobel Peace Prize winner,
the ruler of South Korea, Kim Jong-un.
Kim Jong-un, please, tell our viewers
about the nuclear testing and everything.
Excuse me? No. This is Janet Brown, who is one of our sponsors.
Ja... Janet...
Janet Brown.
This is a man! No. No?
No, this is Janet Brown. You are not man? Is this not man?
You are being rude.
Ahmed... This is a man. No, no, Ahmed, no.
This is Janet Brown. She is one of our sponsors.
Not ma... No!
Oh.
Oh! Mandela! Mandela!
I haven't seen Mandela for a long time.
Mandela, how are you?
Yes! Yes!
Honestly...
Janet, it's not you. It's...
He's got this... He just gets quite excited.
And then he...just runs at someone and thinks it's...
Like, he... The other day after the postman came round
and he went, "Oh, look it's Jim Davidson."
It wasn't. It was the postman.
We have had a very successful day.
We have shot an excellent programme and everyone is happy.
A jolly good day had by all.
I will not forget today for a... for a very long time.
CHEERING
They're having a great time!
You can hear the fun. You really can.