Dealing with a nasty divorce we all know that this affects kids.
Help your kids to heal through positive parenting. I'll give you some ways to do that.
I'm Dr. Paul Jenkins, I'm a clinical psychologist with 30 years of clinical experience including
13 years of child custody evaluations for the court. That's where I'm coming from today and I
have three clear tips for you followed by a really important warning. First tip, your issues are not
their issues, meaning your kids. Kids have a whole different set of issues typically when it comes to
divorce. Remember I told you, that I have done child custody evaluations for the court.
I've interviewed literally hundreds probably thousands of children and what they tell me is usually very
different from what their parents tell me. You've got your own issues to deal with as a parent.
Your kids are dealing with whatever is important to them, to their life. Sometimes they're not even
thinking about the divorce they're like, "Okay, whatever", and then they're like, "Where am I
gonna keep my boots or what's going to happen for Christmas? Where am I gonna be for my birthday?".
See, these are more like the kid's issues. They may be concerned about some of the same things you are if
you have to make a move or something like that. But they're thinking about it from a very childlike
position. So let's not impose our adult issues that are jumbling around in our brain on our kids.
They've got enough of their own concerns. Now here's the strategy that goes along with this tip.
Listen, ask questions, engage with your kids in a way that opens them up. So instead of saying
something like, "Are you wondering why daddy left us?". No, don't go there. You might say instead, "What
questions do you have for me?". Do you see how that's different? We're not leading them into something
that we're thinking about. Your issues are not your kids issues. Here's another example, "Hey sweetie,
tell me how you're feeling about", whatever it is. So it might be our move, okay. You're not going to
say the divorce necessarily. But something that is on their level, something that they're dealing with.
"Hey sweetie, tell me about how you're feeling about our move", and then zip it, okay. Listen, you've got
two ears in one mouth let's use them in that proportion. Instead of trying to tell your kids
how they're feeling or steer them around. One of the things that irritated me the most as a
court-appointed custody evaluator was that parents would coach their kids about what to tell me.
That irritated me and it usually did not work out well for the parent. Don't get caught doing this. Your
issues are not their issues. Do I have to repeat that again? Keep that very clear in your mind
and try to get on their level, okay. Ask these open questions that's going to be a much healthier way
to approach this for your kids. Here's my second expert tip for you, kids are resilient. Assume
and support that resilience in the way that you talk to them and the way that you treat them
in the way that you show up for them. Instead of trying to handle them with kit gloves and
trying to pad the way for them. Assume that they are going to handle it and that they're going to
handle it well. Now, no question about it divorce is hard for kids. But so is conflicted marriage.
Kids are going to have challenges regardless of what your marital status is or where you live or
what changes in your life and change is something that we can all expect, it's going to happen. Your
kids are going to experience challenges regardless of your status in life and they have the resources
to handle it. Especially with loving support from you and the other big people in their life.
Assume it, treat them that way. It's very empowering for children to have an adult assume that they can
handle something and send that message to them as consistently as you can. Okay, one more tip and a
warning. But before that, if you would just take a moment to share this video with someone that you
know could use it. Because you probably know some people there's some share options right down below.
Now let's get back to our tips. To put the context around my third expert tip for you
today on how to help your children heal. Realize that your kids are dealing with two different
worlds now at least two. But before a separation or a divorce occurs if you can picture their world
being all neatly tightly circumscribed into this kind of circle and when their
parents separate or divorce. It's like that circle splits but there's a little bit of overlap right
there in the middle. Parents have to keep some kind of a relationship with each other because
of the kids. We don't want that to be a highly conflicted area for them but the kids belong
in both of these new worlds. If you think of it as as dad's world and his mom's world they're very
different and there are reasons why the divorce happened in the first place. Usually, the problems
come up because the people in this world are busy disagreeing with or fighting with the people in
this world over here and there's this battle going on. Well it's not safe to be here in the middle
and that's exactly where the kids are. So, instead of identifying and finding and fighting against
everything that you disagree with in the other world, pull back and do this. Here's the tip
solve the problems in your own world. Now, this might sound a little dismissive like, "Oh, am I
just going to ignore all those things that are going on over there?", well you don't have any
control over those things. So, what I'm asking you to do is put your energy and your control
into your own household. You want to create the most sane stable loving environment that you
possibly can for your children. You're going to show them through the way you create your
own world, your own home, what's possible for them. Stop fighting against the other world
create the most sane stable loving environment that you possibly can and solve the problems
in your own world. That is a powerful tip let's see what we can do with that and now the warning.
Remember, coming from a former custody evaluator for the courts. I have a lot of reasons for saying
this including your own rights and your own ability to continue to have a good relationship
with your children. Here's the warning, do not disparage or bad mouth or vilify the other
parent. Do you hear what I'm saying? Now I know you've got concerns. I know they've misbehaved.
I know that you've got a special circumstance where all these things have happened. I get it, I've heard
those stories so many times. You've got to be very very careful about how you treat the other parent
especially in front of the children. But you know what let's take it up a notch, okay. We can do this
right you're capable of this. Let's take it up a notch. Not only are you not going to bad mouth
or vilify or disparage the other parent in front of the children. You're not going to do it behind
their backs out of earshot. In fact, if we take it up even another notch you're gonna do whatever is
necessary to heal and cure the hurt in your own heart and mind to the point where you don't even
think evil things. Oh, have I taken it too far? Maybe. But you know what I've had enough experience with
this to see that your own thinking and beliefs about that other parent have a profound impact
first on you because it changes your experience and how much space really. How much of your mental
space do you want to rent out to your ex. When you think about it that way let's reclaim that
space so they don't occupy that prime real estate between your own two ears. Because the next person
who's going to be affected is your child. Your attitudes matter and I put this as a warning
because this is where kids get hurt. Please take that seriously, do not think evil thoughts about
your ex. I know that's a tall order and we're going to keep working on that. But wherever
you're starting with that is perfect. Just pick it up from there and we'll keep moving forward. I know
that might come across as being a little harsh but I've seen too many kids hurt
by their parents hating each other. I think that has to stop somewhere and I'm trusting
that you can do it. If any of this is feeling a little overwhelming remember you're not
alone on this, I've got your back. We're going to support and help you as much as we can
to establish positive parenting built on a solid family culture. Cue that video up next.
I think you're going to like the positive direction we can take this.