- A misogynist?
You're saying I'm a misogynist?
- Yes, Charlie, you are a misogynist.
- Pfft, I'm a misogynist?
I'm a misogynist?
That is really low, Alan,
calling your own brother a misogynist.
G-I-N or G-E-N?
(audience laughing)
Alan, does this look infected to you?
- What?
Oh!
Get that away from me.
- I'm not asking you to tickle it.
Just take a look.
- No thank you.
- But you're a doctor.
- I'm a chiropractor.
I work with vertebrae.
And contrary to popular belief,
there's not a single bone in the penis.
No, I can't undo my pants or anything.
- Where are we headed with this, Alan?
- You said you'd help me.
- I was thinking more like I can make you a sandwich.
- Charlie!
- Hey, hey, hey, I am not reaching into your pants.
- Well, what am I supposed to do?
- Go stand in the surf.
- Come on, grow up.
- Where are you going?
- To the bathroom, now come on and unzip me.
- Just like that, right to it?
No dinner, no movie?
- [Alan] Charlie!
- Hold on.
Coming!
(tongs clacking)
- Let me tell you about your uncle Charlie.
He puts on a happy face,
but, you know, on the inside, he is a sad, lonely man.
(audience laughing)
(phone ringing)
- It's mom.
- Say hi for me.
- Hi, mom.
Alan wants to talk to you.
- What are you doing?
- What does it look like I'm doing?
- I'd rather not say.
The thing is, Melissa and I have this chemistry
and it's really hard not to act on it.
- Yeah, it's tough when you work together.
- Right.
- You don't crap where you eat.
- I know.
- You don't dip your pen in company ink.
And you never bang a woman who owns a snake or a bird.
(audience laughing)
- What?
- They're usually nuts.
- Hi, Chester.
- How am I supposed to hide him?
- Sit under him with a pale and pretend he's a cow.
- Coming!
Please.
- Man.
Come on, Bullwinkle.
(grunting)
(audience laughing)
- So what's in the bag?
- Sperm.
- No, really.
- Sperm.
- Whose sperm?
- Seabiscuit's, who do you think?
Mine.
- I thought we were going to a movie.
- Yeah, but first I'm having my sperm frozen
and getting a vasectomy.
- Ah.
I could've met you at the theater, you know.
- Just hold the bag.
- There is another container inside this bag, right?
- Of course.
You just gotta keep it out of the sunlight.
- Why?
Is it vampire sperm?
Oh, oh, you just missed it.
Jon Stewart made a very clever joke
about the budget deficit.
(audience laughing)
- Swell.
Get dressed, we're going dancing.
- Yeah, right.
Toaster pizza?
- No.
Come on, let's go.
- You serious?
- Yes.
- But it's after 11:00 and I'm all tucked in.
- Too bad.
- I'm drinking nighty-night tea.
- Come on, Robin wants to go dancing
and I'm gonna need a designated driver.
- Hey, just 'cause you're making a fool of yourself
trying to keep up with a 24-year-old girl
doesn't mean I have to join you.
- She has a 24-year-old girl friend.
- Is it dressy-dressy or dressy-casual?
- Jake forgot his math book.
I'm gonna run it over to Judith's.
- No, no, no, no, no, you can't go to Judith's.
The surprise is ready now.
- Okay, what is it?
- Tada!
(audience laughing)
- Oh, for God's sake.
- Wait, there's more.
Twins, Alan!
I got them for you but you can share if you want.
- Charlie, no.
- Fine, you can have 'em both.
Bad luck to split sisters anyway.
♪ Men ♪