Ohai, babes!
I don't mean to brag, but
I think I've gotten pretty good at relationshipping.
I've a solid courting strategy,
I keep things, y'know, a little spicy,
and, at least nowadays, I keep things pretty healthy.
But it wasn't always this way,
I've had relationships in the past, one in particular...
He was really moody, kind of mean sometimes.
Later, I found out that he thought that
racism and sexism were edgy and cool!
He did drugs, he tried to pressure me to do them too,
and he tried to pressure me to do other stuff I didn't wanna do.
I stayed in it for quite a long time,
why? I have no idea!
Part of me was just scared
of being alone.
The first stage of attraction
is literally like your brain is on drugs.
You're all happy and lovey,
and you're all tingly in your pants,
and all kinds of hormones
exploding in your brain.
But what you'll notice when you stay with someone for long enough
is that eventually, your brain takes a chill pill.
It's after that point that most unhealthy things begin.
Communication, trust and respect.
These are the three things that a relationtionship CANNOT
no, uh uh, no fuckin' way,
is gonna survive without these.
This is your relationship rolling over in the grave.
Is that what you want?
Maybe, maybe not.
I think of healthy relationships as like a cozy little cottage
that you're building together out in the woods
that's got some wildflowers...
I just love the woods!
That's what a good relationship is to me
cause that's my happy place.
So how do you go about building said cottage?
Well first off, you have to... to talk.
Check in about stuff.
- How you doing? - How YOU doin'?
And talk about what you need.
I need you to shut the fuck up.
No, don't say that, that's mean.
I need you to support me right now.
And realize that your partner alone
is not gonna meet all the needs that you have.
Oh, honey... It takes a village.
That's why you need friends, and family
and vibrators and tumblr!
Building up that trust and respect means
saying "sorry" when you're fucking sorry!
Saying "thank you" when you're fucking thankful!
When they're telling you things,
you're not thinking about what you're gonna say back,
you are listening to them actively.
And you're trying to see their perspective,
even if you totally disagree with them
or you're totally confused...
Respect your partner's privacy.
In the age of texting and sexting, mexting and chexting,
no monitoring things, that's creepy.
And it means you don't trust them.
Healthy relationships thrive on trust,
not controlling behaviour.
Freedom. Freedom!
To be yourself, for them to be themselves,
and to be happy and lighthearted and happy...
and happy. And happy.
Even the healthiest relationship
is gonna have unhealthy elements sometimes.
Arguments, misunderstandings,
hurting each other's feelings,
not communicating well, not listening to each other,
not making time for each other.
I've decided that for me, in my relationships,
unhealthy stuff will not consume any more than 10%
of our time together.
Maybe some of you'll think that standard's a little bit too high,
but I am worth it.
And so are every one of you.
So I check in regularly, and ask myself
how am I feeling about my relationship,
how are things going?
Because bad stuff creeps up, it doesn't just happen.
Now, major red flags:
if they're making decisions for you,
controlling who you see, what you wear, that kind of stuff,
if they pressure you to do anything sexual that you don't wanna do
or make you feel bad about it.
If they yell at you or lash out.
If they threaten you, or intimidate you.
Sometimes, people throw this saying, like:
"Oh, they were just venting, they were angry..."
Threats and intimidation are not angry venting,
they are abuse.
People forget you don't have to have a black eye
to be in an abusive relationship.
Emotional safety matters just as much as physical safety.
Emotional safety is basically the ability to breathe freely.
If you're not feeling emotionnally safe,
you might always feel like you're on the verge of a fight
or something bad is gonna happen.
One out of every three young adults
will experience physical or emotional abuse
from someone that they're dating.
That is a really high number.
That's me, that's you, that's all of our friends!
So if you find yourself in a position where you're in a relationship
that's a little bit effed-up,
talk to a friend about it, tell them what's up,
let them support you.
If your friend's like: "Uh, you know,
I don't really know about this person
and it sounds a little..."
listen to your friends!
They are worried about you.
If you need help breaking up with them,
or if they continue to harass you after you break up,
y'know, whether it's in text message, Facebook, calling you,
leaving comments on a blog,
I mean I've seen it all,
get more help, so, parents if you can talk to them,
a school counselor, a teacher, a doctor...
Anyone that you trust.
You can always email me and the peer-counseling team,
there's also 2 websites that you should know about,
the first is loveisrespect.org
and rainn.org, it's R-A-I-N-N.
Alright babes, go for it,
have amazing relationships,
you deserve the absolute best,
I hope you know that.
I hope everyone out there knows that.
One day, we'll get there, right? Right? Yeah...
Before I go, Sex+, this video series that you're watching right now
is now part of a network called TestTube,
it's a network that's been sponsored by Discovery Digital,
so they're launching a bunch of science shows,
you should go check them out if you're interested,
it's TestTube.com.
I'll see you guys next week!