(fast-paced guitar music)
- This show rules.
- I personally love it better than stand-up.
- This is so wonderful to have a comedy club
in the back of a comic book store.
It's like having a dance studio in the back of a porn shop.
(audience laughs)
- I've seen comedians.
I've known 'em for 20 years,
then I see 'em do this.
I'm like, fuck, it's a whole different thing.
- It's like a ballgame, man.
You can lose, you know?
(man laughs)
- First time doing the set list.
My whole back is sweating right now.
Actually, I'm sweating through my shirt.
Nerveracking for sure.
The fear of not knowing
if you're gonna be able to give it to 'em,
that's the scary part of this.
(audience applauds)
- Will you welcome
the never before seen set list of Nick Thune!
(audience cheers and applauds)
- I know it means a lot for you to be here.
(audience laughs) You know what I mean?
And I know it's, like, total Hollywood,
like, total Hollywood bullshit,
um, I'm actually, like, just got a phone call last minute.
They're gonna tape the Tonight Show live tonight,
and I'm gonna do stand-up at the end of it.
I'm just like, wow, you know?
And I just wanna run through the jokes.
They're all jokes I've told,
(audience laughs) and it's just,
I just wanna run through 'em one more time,
you know what I mean? (audience laughs)
Just give 'em that little, just really rev 'em up, you know?
(audience laughs)
(laughter increases)
You know when I first pitched this joke to the Tonight Show,
(audience laughs)
they said don't do it, at least don't close on it,
and I said alright. (audience laughs)
I'll throw it in the middle, but...
(audience laughs)
You know, I love having sex.
I just think, we all love having sex, right?
I mean, we all love having sex, we love watching sex.
It's our society.
We just love sex.
And people get excited about sex,
and I always say to 'em, listen, there's a couple things
you need to know about sex, and it's the three Ns of sex.
Right?
The first one is Nick.
You just gotta try it with a guy named Nick once.
(audience laughs)
Just one time, do it with a guy named Nick,
because how do you know it's not gonna be better?
(audience laughs)
And they said okay, that's cool,
and they go what's the second rule?
And I go I'm not gonna tell you until afterwards.
And so then we'll generally have,
this is pre-marriage, guys.
As far as my wife knows.
(audience laughs)
And so we'll have sex, right?
Wherever we're at, bathrooms,
inside the Puyallup Fair in '87.
You know, it's just a...
We'll have sex, and then they'll go, what's the second N?
And I'll say that's actually Nick, too.
(audience laughs)
It's better if you do it with Nick twice.
(audience laughs)
And I'll tell you the third N before we even do it.
And she said, no, no, don't, I want the same process.
And I thought alright.
(audience laughs)
So we have sex again.
Not as good as the first time.
Usually, this is just, I'm going through generals right now.
(audience laughs)
And then after that, she'll say what's the third N?
And I don't want to get racist on it, you know,
and that's what I say to 'em,
'cause that gets 'em real, like, ah, well, I guess
I was gonna try that at one point in my life, you know.
And I say it's Nick, again.
(audience laughs)
And they say, oh,
I thought you were gonna say another N word,
and I say, yeah, I know, I was just, uh...
(audience laughs)
I was thinking about it, too,
and I thought it might not work well on camera.
(audience laughs)
(Nick laughs) (audience applauds)
(audience laughs)
A lot of people love Bruce Almighty.
(audience laughs)
Lot of people love Bruce Almighty.
Two people I can think of.
Well, Jim Carey, Morgan Freeman.
(audience laughs)
They loved Bruce Almighty.
When the second one came out?
I mean, yeah, you got Steve Carell in there.
Everybody's gonna love that, right?
When he got on set and realized this, he goes,
wait a second, where's the ark at?
And they're like, oh, it's all CGI.
Actually, Morgan Freeman wasn't even in the first one.
It's, uh, (audience laughs)
we're really just trying to get by
the cheapest we can get on everything.
But he said but we have, it's like a small ark sample,
and they go, oh, yeah.
So they take him into the room
and they show him what the art department
had been working on.
It's a small sample ark.
And they go, you know,
if you wanna hang out for a couple seconds,
just hang out with the ark, that's fine.
So they leave.
Three hours go by.
Water is coming out of the door.
Alright, it's salt water.
That doesn't even make sense.
How did salt, like, where did he get salt water from?
(audience laughs)
They're shooting it in Burbank, you guys.
And does Carell have a salt water guy?
Yeah, he does, but he wasn't using him that day,
and they actually looked into it.
(audience laughs)
They pulled Steve Carell out of that room,
maybe two minutes from dying.
He can hold his breath for about a half hour,
another fact about Steve.
(audience laughs)
You get him around an ark,
he's gonna fill the room with water,
and he's gonna wanna just hang out with the ark.
It's called arkolepsy, it's a very sad thing.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
Thank you.
(audience laughs)
I think awareness, this day and age,
being aware of your surroundings.
I can speak as a consumer of boners that I...
(audience laughs)
Oh, you don't think I'm gonna buy a boner if I see one?
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm gonna buy it.
I'm gonna put an offer in, and I'm gonna buy it, alright?
I'm a boner consumer,
and you're gonna have to acknowledge that.
And so if I'm walking around, and I don't see
that somebody has a boner awareness bracelet,
it's just like eh.
I'm not gonna put an offer down.
(audience laughs)
So if you're a smart seller,
if you're out there trying to get your product out there,
you need people to be aware of what you got downstairs.
Now, I'm not talking about
putting measurements on there, unless you want to.
You know, I'm not talking about getting that specific.
Just let us know, you know?
And maybe give us an opportunity to just give it a little,
not a hard one, just feel,
what kind of stiffness are we talking about, you know?
(audience laughs)
That's all I have to say.
But to tie it back on a real note,
boners are a problem.
And Lance Armstrong, who happens to be one of my idols,
and we all know the bracelet work he's done.
(audience laughs)
Lance and I have teamed up.
We've teamed up, we've called it One Man and One Half Man.
(audience laughs)
It's just our corp, it's not even gonna be
on any of the documents.
That's just lawyer stuff, really,
but One and One Half Man.
And what we're trying to do
is just get the awareness out there.
And it's a small bracelet that has penises all over it.
(audience laughs)
They are life size.
The bracelet's small.
That's what we're talking, the ornaments are pretty big.
(audience laughs)
Thank you guys so much.
Have a great day.
(audience applauds and cheers)
(fast-paced guitar music)
- How'd it go?
- It went, it definitely went.
It felt good, you know, it definitely, um.
But I could tell that the audience was just
waiting for the joke. (laughs)
And I was just searching for the joke,
trying to find the joke.
Where's the joke?
And it was hard to keep a confident persona
when I really, my knees were shaking
and I was dripping in sweat.
Yeah.