- So what should you look for
when it comes to someone who's emotionally mature enough
to really co-create the partnership that you want
or they're too emotionally immature
to really get there with you?
Today, we're gonna look at three signs
that this guy is an emotionally immature man.
Check it out.
(lighthearted music)
Hey there, this is Mat Boggs
and I'm the founder of the Love and Relationships Division
here at the Brave Thinking Institute
where our mission is empowering people
to create and live a life they love,
and that includes your love life.
So, I encourage you, if you like this video,
click that subscribe button and click the little bell
because every week we bring you content
to empower you in your love life.
And today we're looking at signs
that are indicators early on
that someone really isn't emotionally mature enough
to create the partnership, the depth of the partnership
that you are really looking for
because the faster you can spot these signs,
the more pain you can save yourself and him later on.
Ultimately, what you're really looking for
is someone who's aligned with you mentally,
emotionally, spiritually,
and it's not just emotionally,
but they've got the emotional strength, the emotional depth
to be able to partner with you in life
and that's not something that you can get by reading a book,
just like you can't get in shape
by reading a book about gym exercises.
Emotional strength actually comes from doing the work,
cultivating that depth of strength
and emotional maturity inside.
And so, I'm gonna share with you three signs right now.
The first sign is he is quick to blame others.
You see, someone who's emotionally immature
lives from a state of being
where they place their point of power outside themselves.
In other words, they interpret life as happening to them.
It's never their fault, it's always somebody else's fault,
the traffic's fault, a family member's fault,
their roommate's fault, their boss's fault,
always if something bad is happening
is because something else outside of themselves
is afflicting them.
That is a classic victim mentality.
So notice this.
Notice when you're dating a guy
and something doesn't go right,
something like the food is late or the food is wrong
or traffic is bad or something's going wrong,
what is their knee-jerk reaction?
Because that's really what you're looking for here.
Are they quick to blame other people?
You see, it's easy to appear emotionally mature
and conscious and spiritual and all of these things
when everything's going great.
It's easy to come from gratitude when you're having wins
and things are abundant and prosperous and you're healthy.
The question becomes when you're facing a diagnosis
or someone you love is facing a diagnosis
or you lose someone or life happens,
like you're experiencing something traumatic
or just experiencing something irritating, right,
like traffic,
how does that person respond in those moments?
Let me give you an example of this.
A client of mine set up a date with this guy.
He actually asked her out on a Monday
and said, "Hey, let's get together at this time,
"at this restaurant on Friday afternoon
"and we'll grab some lunch" and she was like, "Great."
And they talked on the phone just a couple of times
and so he makes the plan Monday.
All week he doesn't reach out to her,
he doesn't call her, he doesn't text her,
she's not hearing from him,
and so on Friday, she texts him and says,
"Hey, are we still on for Saturday?"
She doesn't hear back, so she doesn't show up.
Saturday comes, the date, the time comes,
she doesn't show up.
She's like, "Clearly, this guy isn't gonna show up."
He texts her so mad 'cause he showed up to the restaurant
at the time that they had originally agreed upon
and his whole text was like, "Where are you?
"I can't believe you're standing me up.
"I can't believe this, I can't believe that."
And she's like, "Hey listen,
"I texted you yesterday and I didn't hear from you,
"you didn't talk to me all week.
"I'm not supposed to just show up
"if someone's not confirming
"that we're actually gonna be there."
So their rules for communication were different, right?
This isn't placing blame
that his rules were wrong or her rules were wrong,
but what's fascinating is,
she was willing to take responsibility in saying,
"Hey look, I didn't show up, yes,
"and I had agreed and you didn't communicate with me,
"we both have a role in this,"
and he was full on in blame mode.
"I can't believe you, how would you do this to me,
"this is so rude,"
instead of owning like,
"Yeah, maybe I could have sent you some communication,
"maybe I could have responded to your text."
So, it's actually a good thing
that she didn't show up on that date
because I think she saved herself a whole lotta time
with a guy that she wouldn't end up with anyway
'cause he didn't have the level of emotional maturity
to be a true partner with her.
Because here's the deal,
the emotionally mature guy is gonna own his part,
he's not gonna be quick to just blame other people.
He's gonna own whatever part he has
in co-creating that circumstance
and look for ways to actually make it better.
The second thing
that an emotionally immature person tends to do
is they let circumstances control their mood,
they let outside events dictate how they feel.
This is also a victim position in life
where, if their favorite team wins, they're happy,
if their favorite team loses,
they're pissed off and frustrated.
If they have a win at work, they're happy,
if things at work are going bad or challenging,
they're feeling angry, they're feeling irritable.
Now, it doesn't mean that if you're emotionally mature,
you don't let anything in the outside world affect you, no,
but what you're looking for here
is the depth and the duration
that someone is affected by outside events.
The emotionally mature person,
they're gonna have a challenge at work,
they're gonna have a tough day at work,
and they're able to process it
and they're able to keep perspective and they say,
"Yeah, it was a really tough day at work"
and then they're able to collect themselves
and they're able to shift and still have a good night.
The emotionally immature person,
like traffic will just send them into a bad mood,
something else will send them into a bad mood
and they won't recover for hours.
Their favorite team loses that day,
the rest of the day is ruined, right?
So, look for someone who,
if their circumstances are dictating,
determining their mood,
that's not a sign of someone
who's got a lot of emotional strength.
Someone who has strength is gonna feel the emotion,
but then be able to shift it, rise above it,
and find the good and co-create something even better.
And the third attribute that you'll see in someone
who's not emotionally mature
is they will try to punish you
instead of communicating their feelings.
When their feelings get hurt,
they will punish you in certain ways.
And so, usually how this looks
is they will tend to withdraw their love from you
if they're feeling hurt, if they're feeling criticized,
if they're feeling in a way
where they don't feel good in the relationship
because of something they perceive that you've done,
like you're the perpetrator,
you're at fault for this, and they feel hurt,
then they're gonna try to get back at you
and they punish you.
Let me give you an example of this.
Let's just say you were at a party with this guy
and you've been dating for a while
and your friends are all there
and you make a comment about how the last few times
he has tended to be late
and you hope he's not the kinda guy who's late all the time
and you kinda call him out in front of his friends,
and he feels embarrassed, he feels hurt about that.
The emotional immature guy will do a few things.
One is he might try to stonewall you
or give you the silent treatment.
He's like, "I'm just not gonna be around you,
"I'm just not gonna talk to you,"
but he doesn't tell you what's wrong,
he doesn't tell you what's going on, right?
The second thing that he'll do
is then when it's something fun for you,
he will be in a bad mood,
he will try to sabotage something fun
that you have going on,
like when it's your big moment, it's all about you,
it's not about him,
he'll try to draw the attention to him being sulky,
being in a bad mood, being sad.
He'll try to absorb the attention of that moment,
bring it to him instead of just being there to celebrate you
or he'll get real critical of you.
The third is he will attack you, be critical of you,
and you're not sure why, what did you do?
He's not willing to communicate.
On the other hand, the emotionally mature guy,
it doesn't mean he's not upset,
doesn't mean he won't get angry,
but it does mean he will come to you and say,
"Hey look, when you said this, I felt embarrassed,
"I felt angry, I felt like that's not how I want us to be
"in a relationship.
"I don't wanna call each other out on our weak points
"in front of other people.
"Let's have an agreement
"that if there's something that you're not liking
"that I'm doing,
"tell me I'm private and we can work on it"
and he'll create a new agreement with you.
So, at the end of the day, when you're with someone,
these are beautiful indicators
because this isn't something that just changes overnight.
It's not something
that you can have a conversation with someone
who's emotionally mature and say,
"Hey, can you just be mature?"
Like, it doesn't work that way.
They've actually gotta do the reps,
just like being physically strong,
there's an emotional strength
that comes from doing the reps,
having the awareness, and then doing the reps.
And so, my wish and hope for you
is that you are able to spot someone
who's not a good partner for you,
who doesn't have the emotional strength to be with you
and release them
so that you make room for the guy who is emotionally mature,
the guy who does want that partnership with you,
the guy who does wanna go deep with you
because that guy exists and that relationship is amazing
and it's yours in store for you.
So my question for you is,
"What are the signs that you have seen
"when someone's emotionally immature?"
Go ahead and post that in the comment section below.
I believe in you, I appreciate you.
Thanks for watching, I'll see you soon.
(lighthearted music)