- We have a rule that basically says,
'If two people order nachos to share,
one person can't take the ones with meat and stuff.'
- What? I've never heard anything like that before.
That is so weird.
But I guess if it's a rule, thanks.
- Okay.
- Hang on a second.
Did you ask him to come over here and say that?
(gentle guitar music)
- Um...
Earlier today I saw some friends from camp,
and uh...
There was like this distance there
that wasn't there, like when at camp.
And that was just hard 'cause like
I considered those people to be like my family.
'Cause like when you're in a place for like eight weeks,
like that limited amount of time,
like you open your heart in a way like,
that you wouldn't necessarily like
open your heart in your daily life.
Like, you go balls to the fucking wall,
like emotionally.
And like you made plans with these people,
and then they fall through.
And it's like, I saw them today.
I was like, don't act like those plans
didn't fall through, you know?
- When did you go to camp?
- '01
(slurping wine)
- You know, coming from the Midwest,
I was unsure whether I'd like California or not.
- Yeah.
- But I gotta say, I love it.
You know, the weather, obviously.
- Mm-hmm. - It doesn't get any better.
- [Woman] Hmm.
- And you'd think I'd miss the seasons.
- [Woman] Mm-hmm. - But you know what?
Sometimes I do, but most of the time I don't.
(both laughing)
- Can you excuse me for a second.
- Mm-hmm.
- Excuse me, can I talk to you for a second?
- How can I help you?
- My date's eating all the fully loaded nachos.
- Uh-huh?
- All the ones with the meat, cheese and everything.
The ones that are fully loaded,
she's hogging 'em.
So I'm mostly getting just like,
just chips.
Like mostly just chips.
Like nothing on them, but like a little bit of cheese,
and maybe one little nugget of meat.
- Okay?
- Can you say something to her?
- Say what?
- Maybe go up the table and just say like, "Hey, stop that!"
Or like, "Hey, that's not allowed."
- You want me to go over and say,
"Stop eating the meat on the chips?"
- No, just say the restaurant has a rule.
It's not you, it's the rule the restaurant has,
that if you get an item to share, you can't...
One person can't just eat all the fully loaded ones.
Like, don't look around,
find the one with the most meat,
and always eat that one.
- Can't you just ask her to share with you?
- Can't you just say the restaurant has a rule?
- I don't know, maybe it's just me.
But I'm like, play your hits.
Like, don't play the new stuff.
- Yeah, I totally agree.
You go to a concert and you wanna hear the songs you love.
- Right, exactly.
- Gimme the good kinda rock 'n roll.
- I wanna sing along, you know?
- [Man] Yeah, totally. (both laughing)
- This is really fun.
- This is so fun.
- Glad we did this.
- Are you enjoying everything?
- Mm-hmm. - Yeah, everything's great.
- [Man] Yeah.
- Okay...
Because we have a rule here
that if you order nachos to share,
one person can't just eat all the fully loaded nachos.
(man snorts)
- What's that? Say that again.
- We have a rule that basically says,
'If two people order nachos to share,
one person can't take the ones with meat and stuff.'
- What? I've never heard anything like that before.
That is so weird.
But I guess if that's a rule, thanks.
- Okay.
- Hang on a second.
Did you ask him to come over here and say that?
- What?
- Did you ask him to say that?
- What the Hell are you talking about?
- You got up, you talked to him for a long time,
and then the minute you sit down he comes over,
and says that the restaurant has this rule.
No restaurant has a rule about who gets to eat what.
- What?
- We'll take the check.
- We're gonna be so early for that movie.
- I'm not going to the movie.
(cheerful music)
♪ Grandma's got a boyfriend ♪
♪ It's a little weird first ♪
♪ But then you say it twice ♪
♪ Grandma's got a boyfriend and I think he's pretty nice ♪
♪ Grandma's got a boyfriend ♪
♪ And her boyfriend's name is Paul ♪
♪ Grandma's got a boyfriend ♪
♪ Everyone don't like him ♪
♪ He's almost 88 ♪
♪ My aunts say they don't trust him ♪
♪ But me I think he's great ♪
♪ Grandma's boyfriend Paul ♪
♪ No they don't like Paul at all ♪
♪ Grandma's got a boyfriend ♪
♪ Why does everyone hate Paul ♪
♪ He didn't kill my grandpa ♪
♪ He don't do nothing at all ♪
♪ He just reads his mysteries ♪
♪ Yeah you can solve 'em Paul ♪
♪ Grandma's boyfriend Paul ♪
♪ Grandma's got a boyfriend ♪
♪ I asked mom what's the fuss ♪
♪ Grandma's in love again ♪
♪ Mom said but Paul ♪
♪ He's always humming Gilbert and Sullivan ♪
♪ That ain't fair to Paul ♪
♪ That he shouldn't hum at all ♪
♪ He also eats all the cashews ♪
♪ His son lives down in Maryland ♪
♪ I guess he lost his wife ♪
♪ I should ask what's your story man ♪
♪ I bet ol' Paul had quite a life ♪
♪ Grandma's boyfriend Paul ♪
♪ He calls waiters garcon ♪
♪ The fella fought on D-Day ♪
- No, she is not like other wives.
- Look alive!
Hoo!
- When we first started dating, she was this
how do you say it?
Uh... girl?
But since we got married,
it's like she's my bro and my wife.
(mouth farting)
- She's my husband-wife.
- Brothers!
- Yeah.
(wife howling)
- [Narrator] Husband Wife,
an all new docu-series on ISC.
- All right.
Let's get you jerked off so you're not horny at dinner.
Come on. - All right.
- [Narrator] From their unconventional marriage dynamic.
- Whoa!
Put your butt away!
No one's trying to see that.
- [Narrator] To their unexpected sleeping challenges.
- (husband chuckling) Oh, yeah.
Sharing a bed with her is a whole thing.
You didn't flush.
- This big.
Do you see that?
That's a size of a full grown Bass.
- That's my girl.
- I love you.
Don't you flush that.
Best dump!
You want some fruit punch?
- Sure.
Oh!
- [Narrator] See how they attempt to navigate life
as a normal couple,
in a society that shuns their lifestyle.
(wife burps)
- Oh, it got foamy.
- [Narrator] ISC's Husband Wife.
(wife sighs)
- Come on.
- No, come on...
- Come on.
You feel that?
- Yeah? - That's our dinner.
- [Narrator] Tuesday at one-ish on ISC
- You wanna feel the chicken?
(husband chuckles) - Oh, you have a chicken.
- Hey, Danny!
Dan? - Yeah?
- Just checking in.
Do you need anything?
- Huh? - Do you need anything?
- I'm good for now.
- Just making my rounds and seeing.
You're good? - I'm good for now.
- Wow, this is awesome. - Yeah thanks, man.
I appreciate it.
- What a cool tux, man.
- Oh yeah, thanks.
- Yeah, wow.
Twin tale?
Shit.
- I'm nervous, I'm nervous.
- Of course you are.
Yeah, yeah. - I'm nervous.
- I mean, I'd never do what you do, but yeah.
- What?
- I'd never do what you're doing, sorry.
- Get married?
- I wouldn't.
But that's still cool, man.
That's awesome. (audience laughing)
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I made the right choice, I made the right choice.
- Of course you did.
Of course you did. - All right, cool.
- I mean, for you.
- Yeah, thanks. (audience laughs)
Is everybody good?
Is everybody here?
- I think so, yeah.
I'm just checking in with you, you know?
- They say you get nervous,
you get a little nervous right before.
- Yeah. - So like, this is normal.
This is normal, what I'm feeling.
- Of course, man, you're gonna change your life.
- Yeah and for the better, for the better.
- Yeah, I mean, for me it'll be worse.
But, I know myself. (audience laughing)
I know myself.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- But yeah, you're gonna do... you're gonna do great.
She's great, you know?
- Yeah, she is great.
- She's fun.
- She's fun, yeah.
Yeah, gimme another attribute about her.
(audience laughing)
- Uh...
I met her f-five years ago?
Four years ago. - Thanks, thanks.
- That's gonna be really helpful.
Thank you. (audience laughing)
Okay, yeah.
All right, it's just a little bit weird.
You know what I mean?
- You know what's weird, actually?
I just found out...
I don't know, I probably shouldn't tell you this.
- No, go, go, go, go.
Is it gonna fuck me up a little bit or no?
- Uh... (audience chuckles)
- Is it gonna fuck me up a little bit or no?
Be honest.
Right now, I feel pretty nervous.
Is it gonna fuck me up a little bit or no?
- I don't...I don't know.
I'm not gonna tell you.
- Okay. - All right, good talk.
(audience laughs)
(techno music)
- I'm coming, I'm coming.
Hi, guys.
I'm sure you've heard of me 'cause I'm super famous.
But in case you've been living under a rock,
I'm Whitney Peeps.
Also, sorry you've been living under a rock.
That sounds super shitty you little troll, hmm.
I've had so many hit songs that at this point,
I could write a song about taking a dump,
and it'd be a number one hit.
But that doesn't mean I haven't had my ups and downs.
You like what you see?
You like that, camera boy?
Why don't you film this?
Film my little butt hole.
But I'm definitely in a good place now.
And yeah, I may be a pop star
but that doesn't mean I don't want love.
In fact, my dad says it means I want it more.
You guys, thanks for being so patient.
[crosstalk]
- I love you.
- As you guys know,
you guys are such nobody's,
and I'm very famous.
But if you win my heart,
you can be famous just like me.
In short, meaningful sparks.
If you fail to do so,
your 15 minutes of fame will be up,
and you'll be banished to a lifetime
of trying to get TV hosting gigs.
(Whitney groaning)
(doorbell ringing)
(contestants barking)
You know what that sound means!
It's time for a challenge card!
- I am Tyson Beckford.
(Natasha chuckling)
- And I'm the queen of England.
(both laughing)
(English accent) Do you want a spot o' tea?
Beckham! (Natasha chuckling)
Fish and chips.
You were not kidding.
You're...
You're Tyson Beckford.
I'm Natasha.
- That's my dog's name.
- Please let him be cute.
Hope he's cute!
(Natasha chuckling)
- He's not.
- Cool, cool, cool.
- But, you are. (magical music)
- Did Tyson fucking Bedford just call me cute?
- Sorry, that was cheesy.
- Of course it is, it's pizza.
(both laughing)
Don't stop laughing until he does.
(both continue laughing)
It's pizza.
It's cheese on pizza.
It's cheesy, that's why!
(Natasha chortling) - Oh, God.
So what brings you here?
(Natasha clears throat)
- J-Jury duty.
You too?
- I wish.
I'm actually here because you know I...
- Holy shit, he's single.
Natasha Beckford.
Mrs. Beckford.
Mrs. Tyson Beckford.
Swipe right, swipe right.
- What are you doing?
Was there something on my face?
- No.
I...
was making sure you were paying attention
because this park can be dangerous.
There are a lot of criminals in New York City.
- Well, I'll protect you.
- Yeah, you will.
- So, what do you do? - I'm not usually this heavy.
- No, no, no, you go, you go. - No, I'm sorry.
You go, you go.
This is my third slice. - Are you from New York?
- I haven't had sex in so long, I'm practically a virgin.
You should go.
So...
You go, for real. (Natasha clears throat)
- What do you like to do for fun?
- I have a Fitbit.
- How many steps did you do today?
- S-Step..?
Eight.
- I'd ask you to go for a walk sometime
but I think your boyfriend would be pretty mad.
- (Natasha chuckles) The last time I had a boyfriend,
Obama was still a senator.
I would love to go on a walk with you.
- Yeah.
- I just never thought I would find someone
who could walk.
- I never thought I'd meet someone like you.
- So you want to do this again, but on purpose?
- Yeah, I would.
But, there's something I gotta tell you.
- You're gay.
You're a Republican.
You're a gay Republican and you hate dogs.
Orange Is the New Black man?
- I tried to tell you.
- Look, I know I've only known you
for four minutes and zero steps,
but I can tell that you're a good man.
The type of man that wouldn't even care
if my boobs were monstrously lopsided.
And, they are.
But they're still fun.
- I know they would be.
But, I'm sorry I'm not the man you thought I was.
- Shh.
I've always wanted to have a conjugal visit.
- So what are you doing in 10 to 15 years?
- I don't know.
Probably a hysterectomy.
(magical music)
I can't wait to tweet about this.