(jazzy music)
- I have so much respect
for women who get dressed up and go out.
I have so much respect for all the women
in here who got dressed up and came out tonight.
You guys are amazing.
Guys, you look good too.
I'm sure you ran a wet wipe over your situation.
Thank you so much.
We are not worthy of all the effort.
But I like to give women a little extra credit
because I know how long it takes us to get ready to go out.
Oh my God, right?
Yes.
Oh, now we're on the same team.
I still hate you.
Let's be real.
No, I'm kidding.
Seriously though, jacket, right?
It's hard.
There's so much extra stuff we have to worry about
as ladies like between the hair,
and makeup, and mace, and self defense classes, and therapy.
No wonder we're always late to everything.
Gotta put on the armor of the Lord every day.
No, being a woman's really fun until you want to go
for a walk by yourself and then you're like, dang it,
but I've got all these holes.
I can't just go strolling.
It's drafty.
Got to plug those up.
Well, it's my idea.
Oh, I can feel the men in here shutting down.
I don't care.
Take a dump, make a phone call.
Not your joke, all right?
You don't have to worry about this.
You finished up a night out,
you're like, well, time to go home.
We finish up a night out,
we're like, well, hope I make it.
The difference, we have to remember all the tips we learned
in Cosmo this month about how to not die.
That's all Cosmo is by the way.
Tips on how to get you guys off, how to not die.
How to get you guys off, how to not die.
And then every third page they're like, oh
and buy some more makeup, you ugly, ugly bitch.
(laughter)
Have you seen the thing we're supposed to do
with our keys when we're walking alone at night?
Yes, you know what I'm talking about.
Good for you, jacket.
No one's putting you in a suitcase, well done.
This a real thing.
We're supposed to put our keys through our knuckles
so they stick out like these little Party City claws.
Is that scaring anyone in the parking garage later?
Just like oh.
Just get to the Prius, Lindsey.
Just get there.
Oh my God, that was the branch.
We're okay, good practice swing.
This is not a weapon, this is a joke Hugh Jackman makes
in a Toyota commercial.
I think about this all the time
because I travel a lot as a lady,
pretty much exclusively as a lady,
and every once in a while, I'll go somewhere cool.
I talk to the hotel staff like, hey where should I go?
What should I do?
What should I see?
And they're always like, oh, well you're a woman,
you're basically handicapped.
Stay inside forever.
And it's so offensive because I'm prepared, you guys.
I have my mace, I have my claws,
and if all else fails, Imma walk around like this, okay?
You know what this walk says?
Not worth the jail time, bro.
Go for someone else.
Easy to catch, no fun to bone, all right?
I am not your princess.
You don't know what I'm smuggling down there.
That's the dark magic, Curse of the Black Pearl.
All right, you guys can use this.
Is it ladies night?
Join arms do a little Wizard of Oz
down the yellow brick road to safety.
If your date's not laughing,
he's for sure going to kill you.
I do that joke so the Tinder people get home safe,
that's who that's for.
- Do you know how long it took me to train my husband
to eat my pussy correctly?
I'm not going back out into the world,
find somebody new to coach all over again.
It's too much work.
All of that knowledge that my husband has now,
all of that time I invested, all of that muscle memory,
lives and dies with him.
You can't store that in some sort of iPussy cloud
and then just download it to a new husband 2.0.
He is bespoke to me.
Irreplaceable.
(applause)
Look, many patient nights I wanted to fake it, okay?
But I knew that it was so fundamental
for the longterm that he get it right,
and that lying to him would just be cheating myself.
And so I would shove his head down there
and keep it down there until his face got pruney.
Many nights he'd enter, 7:00 PM,
looking like a 30 year old man,
exit hours later looking like Tommy Lee Jones.
You know how hard it is for a young Asian man
to suddenly transform into Tommy Lee Jones?
I think a big part of being good at eating pussy
is that you just got to be into it, okay?
Do it with gusto, with enthusiasm.
It's is a privilege, so act like you know, okay?
Yes!
Yeah, don't hesitate.
Don't (whines).
Like you're some toddler being forced to eat broccoli.
Get in there.
And hold your own Goddamn head up too,
don't use my thigh as a tripod and just....
(applause and laughter)
- But you got to do that stuff, you know, you got to,
oh I love it.
(laughter)
Well, you have to, man, I don't want to be single.
Are you kidding me?
No way, not in this era.
No way.
Cause women, you know, we can't just get all old and fat
like in the good old days, you know.
Like, Now, now we gotta maintain our fuckability
at every era of our lives, it's exhausting.
You know, Kathy Bates is an amazing actress
because she kind of has to be.
(laughter)
You know I mean
Like you turned 30, you pump out a kid,
and now they call you MILF.
40 and now I'm a Cougar.
And then you're a grandma and you're like, aw sweet,
I'm out of the system.
No, you ain't.
Now, now they call you a GILF.
A Grandma I'd like to (exhale).
No, not Nana.
Not sweet, butterscotch candy giving Nana, no.
And here's the thing that's whack,
there's nothing for dudes, right?
They don't call you guys animal names or acronyms.
They don't call you guys DILFs.
Well, it's true, you know, cause there's no such thing
as a dad you wanna fuck.
Well, no, I know this because I've been in the airports
in the Midwest and I have seen the dads.
Oh, I've seen you, dads.
Really, Dad?
You think some woman is going to be like, oh yeah.
Dad, oh.
I love those faded blue jeans you got on.
Mm-mmm, oh is that a brown braided belt?
- We walk into this bar and one of the difficult parts
about being a woman, besides everything, is that,
it's really hard, is that
you're constantly battling with yourself.
In the long run, we're battling our weight,
hair color, wrinkles.
Minute to minute, it's just an adjustment of your hair,
and your bra, and your underwear, and your makeup,
and your mustache.
Braid it, bead it, set it.
You're always doing something,
because if one thing is off then the night
is ruined, Scott, okay?
One time I left my house without mascara on,
I did a U-turn on a four-lane highway, like no.
They will see the whites of my eyes.
Everything has to be perfect, and guys, it's exhausting.
It's exhausting being a girl.
Did you know, fun scientific fact that I made up
on the way here, that women get four minutes
out of every night, four minutes out of every night
where our brain sends a message to our body
saying everything's okay, stop messing with it.
Four minutes out of every night where your brain
sends a message to your body like homeostasis achieved.
(cheers and applause)
And the rest of the time it's just mayhem.
Everything has to be perfect.
So, we walk into this bar, my first thought,
I gotta fix my lip liner now.
I'm not even a big lip liner wearer,
but in that moment, twas everything.
In that moment, I believed fixing my lip liner
is what stood between me and eternal happiness, okay?
I had to take a liner, I had to find my liner,
and line my Chola lips, okay?
That's what I had to do.
So glad that got a response.
In North Carolina, nothing, okay.
(cheers and applause)
Had to fix my lip liner, had to be right then.
To the gentleman in the room,
I don't expect you to understand the urgency
with which I had to fix my lip liner.
The only thing I could liken it to in male culture
is like when you feel, you have to adjust your balls.
Similar immediacy as we've seen, unfortunately.
When you feel it's got to happen, it's got to happen now.
Go, go, go in front of children,
Christmas Eve family portrait, messing with my dick.
Messing with my dick in public.
Wow!
It's a dick puzzle, I'm solving it now.
Maximum comfort at any cost.
This is my right, Nancy, get off my back.
So many guys right now have to adjust.
They're like, I'm not going to do it.
I believe that's what Elvis was doing.
Makes sense.
Needed my liner, now you understand
that I needed it, guys, okay?
Needed the fucking liner.
That means I had to find the liner in my bag.
However, I had a big bag.
There's a very specific way that women
will search for something when we have a big bag.
What do you do?
You take a designated search claw,
and you plunge it.
(cheers and applause)
Never breaking eye contact with your prey,
I mean your date.
Notice I haven't blinked, Chicago, dedicational acting.
The constant eye contact being a reminder
that yes, I can multi-task and keep talking,
I'll make a great partner.
Marry me.
Meanwhile, to the outside world,
it looks like you're wrestling with a very small bass.
If you're a real pro you keep the conversation moving.
Still haven't blinked, by the way.
If you're a real pro you keep the conversation moving,
I'm listening, I'm listening.
Keep talking, keep talking.
I can look and listen, say "fan-duel" one more time,
motherfucker, I'm listening.
You're digging around in there,
meanwhile, as a woman, you're having to come to terms
with the seventh layer of hell
that is the bottom of your bag.
It's just a graveyard of dismembered pens, there's coins.
Why is there always a Nature's Valley granola bar crumbled
at the bottom?
You stick your hand down, you come up with oats
between your fingernails.
You're like ow, ow!
Digging around.
A gym lock, a phone charger, a concealer without its lid.
Why?
Why can't we make them with retractable lids
that don't break off?
Cause you stick your hand down there, unknowingly,
you come up with one creamy finger.
You're like, no!
No!
But it was expensive, so you're like, no.
So now you look amazing, keep looking, keep looking.
Bits of paper, a sock.
Keep looking around, tampon out of its wrapper.
Maybe I keep it?
Nope, I'll get sick.
Digging around.
If it's out of the wrapper, don't keep it.
Sometimes it's like, Oh, I'll just (blows).
Don't blow on it and then, you're going to get dysentery,
you'll never finish the Oregon trail.
(applause)
Seven or eight seconds go by,
I cannot find my lip liner.
Seven or eight seconds go by, which in girl years
is like forever, I cannot find my lip liner.
So, what's the logical thing to do?
Maybe use the other hand to add to the search, right?
To aid in the excavation.
Maybe get a cellular device to illuminate the situation?
Not me.
I dropped to my knees on a dance floor,
dumped out the bag, and start sifting through it,
like Helen Keller learning how to spell water.
(cheers and applause)