SOMETIMES IT'S NICE TO TAKE A BREAK FROM THE BIG NATIONAL
HEADLINES, AND TAKE A LOOK AT THE OVERLOOKED LOCAL STORIES.
WHICH I DO IN MY BRAND NEW LONG-RUNNING SEGMENT "SMALL TOWN
BIG NEWS."
>> BIG NEWS!
>> Stephen: TONIGHT'S "SMALL TOWN BIG NEWS" COMES FROM
COEUR D'ALENE, IDAHO, WHICH YOU MAY KNOW AS THE HOME OF THE
MUSEUM OF NORTH IDAHO-- PERFECT FOR ANYONE WHO WENT TO
SOUTH IDAHO AND SAID, "THERE MUST BE MORE!"
( LAUGHTER )
HAS CAUGHT SOME ATTENTION BECAUSE "BOOKS CRITICIZING
PRESIDENT TRUMP KEEP GOING MISSING."
THE DISAPPEARING BOOKS COULD HAVE TOPICS LIKE
"GUN CONTROL, WOMEN'S SUFFRAGE, L.G.B.T.Q. ISSUES, AND THE
CRIMINAL JUSTICE SYSTEM."
OH, MAN, THEN I'M SURE THEY GOT TO MY FAVORITE BOOK, "NANCY DREW
AND THE CASE OF THE WRONGFULLY CONVICTED LESBIAN COUPLE WHO
VOTED TO BAN BUMP STOCKS."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT'S A GOOD READ.
LONG TITLE, VERY LONG-- MOST OF THE BOOK-- MOST OF THE BOOK IS
JUST TITLE.
HERE'S WHAT'S CRAZY: THESE BOOKS AREN'T BEING STOLEN.
THEY'RE BEING "HIDDEN IN SPACES THROUGHOUT THE LIBRARY."
THIS JERK IS TAKING LIBRARY BOOKS AND PUTTING THEM BACK IN
THE WRONG PLACE.
SO CLEARLY THE SUSPECT IS ANYONE WHO'S EVER USED A
LIBRARY.
( LAUGHTER )
THIS THIEF LEFT A CALLING CARD.
IN THIS CASE, A LETTER TO THE LIBRARIAN THAT SAID:
( IN CREEPY ANONYMOUS VOICE )
THESE BOOKS IN THE MOST OBSCURE PLACES I CAN FIND."
YES, GENIUS!
NO ONE WILL EVER LOOK FOR A BOOK IN THE LIBRARY.
( LAUGHTER )
( IN CREEPY ANONYMOUS VOICE )
GREAT PLEASURE."
YOU'RE NOT CREATING LIBERAL ANGST.
YOU'RE JUST MAKING THE LIBRARIAN'S JOB HARDER.
IN THE RANKING OF LIBRARY VILLAINS, YOU'RE JUST BELOW THE
TODDLER POOPING IN THE PUPPET NOOK.
SO LET'S GET TO THE HEAT OF THE MEAT HERE?
WHICH BOOKS ARE BEING HIDDEN?
"THE NEW YORK TIMES" ARTICLE SPECIFICALLY MENTIONS "FIRE AND
FURY," "SHADE: A TALE OF TWO PRESIDENTS," AND "THE LATE SHOW"
BOOK "WHOSE BOAT IS THIS BOAT?" OH, NO!
OH, NO!
OH, COME ON!
OH, DAMN!
YA DONE MESSED UP, BOOKY BOY.
FIRST OF ALL, MAY I POINT OUT, OUR BOOK IS NOT ANTI-TRUMP.
EVERY SINGLE WORD IN THERE IS WHAT YOUR FAVORITE PRESIDENT
SAID TO HURRICANE SURVIVORS.
AND, ALSO, THANKS TO OUR PUBLISHER SIMON & SCHUSTER, ALL
PROCEEDS FROM THE PURCHASE OF WE HAVE A COPY RIGHT HERE--
GO TO WORLD CENTRAL KITCHEN AND THEIR WORK TO FEED SURVIVORS OF
NATURAL DISASTERS.
SO, IF PEOPLE CAN'T FIND IT IN THE LIBRARY, THEY'LL HAVE TO GO
BUY IT, WHICH MEANS MORE MONEY GOES TO CHARITY.
SO WHILE I AM STILL VERY ANGRY, THANK YOU!
BUT NO ONE--
THANK YOU, CITIZEN.
I DON'T BELIEVE ANYONE SHOULD MESS WITH LIBRARY BOOKS.
SO WE HAVE DECIDED TO HELP OUT THE READERS OF COUER D'ALENE BY
SENDING THEM AN UNHIDE-ABLE EDITION OF "WHOSE BOAT IS THIS
BOAT?" COME ON OUT!
THERE YOU GO!
GOOD LUCK HIDING THIS ONE, SUCKER!
IT'S NOT JUST A PROP.
IF YOU CAN HOLD IT.
IT'S NOT JUST A PROP.
IT'S THE ACTUAL BOOK.
IT EVEN HAS A CHECK-OUT LIBRARY CARD RIGHT THERE.
IT'S IT'S THE WHOLE DAMN THING INSIDE, OKAY.
GIVE ME A PEN.
I'LL SIGN THAT.
THERE YOU GO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND JUST TO MAKE EXTRA SURE THIS EDITION CAN'T BE HIDDEN, WE'VE
OUTFITTED IT WITH ONE OF THOSE ANTITHEFT GARMENT TAGS RIGHT
DOWN HERE.
NOW, IF YOU AT HOME WANT TO HELP HURRICANE SURVIVORS, BUY A
REGULAR-SIZED COPY OF "WHOSE BOAT IS THIS BOAT?" AND SEND IT
TO YOUR LOCAL LIBRARY.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
DAVID HARBOUR IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, DO WE NEED MORE PRESIDENTIAL
CANDIDATES?
STICK AROUND TO FIND OUT!
THE ANSWER IS NO.