A long sigh is a great way to start an apology video!
So some of you may have expected my usual colorful, animated style, but for an apology
video I feel I needed to address my audience in a more ‘genuine’ way.
Because nothing says genuine and authentic quite like the acting classes I took!
Now some might also be wondering why a channel that deals in terrible writing advice would
make a video on apologies.
I’m just getting ahead since I will no doubt inevitably screw up in the PR department and
be forced to issue a career saving apology.
Perhaps I let fly a racial slur and only the blood of my career with sate the righteous
anger if the internet’s denizens.
Perhaps I suffered a concussion and thought that a Terrible Writing Advice on sexual assault
tropes was great idea!
Maybe someone finally found the beaten and starving ghost writers I keep chained up in
my basement that write these episodes.
Regardless of the reasons I need to apologize to save my hide and I thought I might as well
teach other writers to do their own apology videos because in these times absolutely no
one is too obscure that one day they might wake up to find an internet hate mob at their
door.
I’m sorry, but must teach everyone how to do an apology video.
Now after the long the sigh, the first thing needed for an apology video is to not apologize.
This is very important.
The first point in any apology video is to state that I am very sorry that other people
were offended by what I did or said.
The important thing to remember is that I am always the victim here and that I am entitled
to everyone’s sympathy.
What needs to be done to earn this sympathy?
By being the victim obviously and certainly not by explaining any extenuating circumstances
in a clear and easy to understand way!
People on the internet said very mean things about me after all and that is totally equivalent
to misleading millions of under aged fans to a gambling website or using a position
of power and authority to solicit young women through blackmail.
Speaking of those awful things, the next phase of the apology video should be filled to the
brim with weak excuses and shallow justifications.
There is no excuse for what I did, but I’m going to offer those excuses anyway.
It’s okay that I embezzled hundreds of thousands of dollars because I deserved it since the
company was dumb enough to let me manage their money.
Yes I emotionally abused my employees, but they shouldn’t have been so weak.
And I had no idea that exposing yourself to fan during a private meetup in a hotel room
wasn’t okay.
I mean, how was I suppose to know that?
It’s not like our culture has a deep, shared taboo of nudity that would have given me the
context needed to understand my behavior was inappropriate.
Everyone else was doing it so that makes it okay when I do it!
Young men in their late 50s just didn’t know any better.
Wait!
I got it.
I’m depressed.
Hiding behind depression can be a very important go to tactic when it comes to staving off
the Internet's vengeance and provide an easy out for any and all reprehensible actions.
I’m not worried about real people who suffer from depression calling me out.
What are they going going to do?
They’re depressed.
Speaking of depressing, let’s check that like to dislike bar to see how things are
going.
Whoa!
Not so good.
Maybe I should pick something else?
Something obscure.
I know everyone is angry about that video where I made a homeless man twerk while I’ll
rained dollar bills on him, but in my defense I suffer from Eosinophilic esophagitis?
Well that sounds bad so I’m sure it will win me lots of sympathy points and easily
wave away any and all past transgressions.
Wow.
I sure am looking around a lot almost like I am searching for a way out, anyway out of
this freaking mess!
Too bad for me that I need to stretch out this video for more ads.
Is it tasteless to use an apology video to generate ad revenue?
You bet.
Shameless even, but I’m going to do it anyway because apology videos, like most online drama,
is solid freaking gold in terms of views and traffic.
After all, I’m not here to really apologize for the thing I did, but to add another notch
to my precious brand.
Speaking of which, let’s check the engagement, um I mean dislike bar again.
Oh man, this still isn’t going very well.
I don’t think people are buying it and might see through my self-serving ad placements
and the petty rationalizations.
I need a new tactic.
Well what I did might be bad, but other people have done worse!
See.
I just deflected onto someone else.
Pick another pseudo celebrity to rail against, preferably someone high profile with a lot
of baggage, who can make me look good in comparison.
The modern world is full of awful people that can help me lower that apology bar so I can
step right over it.
Yes whatever my transgression is will not be erased, but that’s not the point.
The point is to distract everyone.
This can also be just as easily accomplished by talking about some other greater societal
ill or problem.
Just remember to not accidentally and concisely frame your transgression against real problems
in a way that sets everything into perspective.
The goal is to deflect externally, not reflect internally.
That not working?
Well that was just the first punch.
Now for the follow up.
You see, I may be an immoral scumbag who did something unspeakable, but I intend to use
this experience to grow as a person.
You see I learned a lot about not getting caught and where I need to look to improve
myself and to help those around me.
I am truly awakened to full harm I have caused and I will change for the better.
I mean I won’t, but that doesn’t sound as good.
Okay.
Let’s see if that worked!
Nope!
I need to break out the big guns!
Better bring on the tears!
Crocodile tears is the best bet for swaying the audience.
Bawling like a bratty child is an instant method to win over a group of people sick
of your immature antics.
Admittedly, this mostly works if you are cute and a girl.
Guys just have to settle for speaking with a shaky voice.
Can’t cry on command?
Just watch Shawshank Redemption, that always turns on the waterworks.
There is got to be an Adobe After Effects plugin that makes fake tears.
Has all of that failed?
Is creating a video to apologize too much work?
Well then its time to turn to the corporate apology.
We deeply apologize for the harm we have caused.
The actions of those who did this are not in line with our core values.
We will strive to do better in the future and set in place systems to prevent such an
occurrence from happening again.
See!
You can fit that into a tweet.
I’m am sure those 230 characters will make up for the tens of thousands of children our
company poisoned because we greased a few palms in the FDA to push our product through
without proper testing.
Which brings us to the best way to handle an apology video.
You see, there is an easy trick of escaping this whole mess without the need for an apology
video at all.
To do this, the first and most important step, don’t skip this part, is to be a mega, super
rich billionaire.
Uh, so get on that.
Then all one has to do is build a massive wall made out of cash and man that wall with
the best PR department and spin doctors money can buy all while hiding your identity behind
a large, faceless corporation.
This is what we call ‘easy mode’.
If things get really bad, then ruthlessly sacrifice… um I mean ‘let go’ of a couple
middle managers.
Yeah, just throw a couple of stooges to the wolves.
That should placate the Internet's endless career blood lust for a few days at least.
See?
That was painless... for me.
Boy.
It’s a good thing that doesn’t happen to people without access to near endless financial
resources or who lack a pre established audience.
That would be near impossible to comeback from especially if they have no experience
understanding narratives.
Because creating an apology video is all about controlling the narrative and the narrative
that needs to be cultivated is one that shows weakness and confirms guilt not one that lays
out the evidence in a clear and concise manner and allows for the audience to make up their
own mind.
But what if one finds themselves having to make an apology video even though no heinous
act was committed?
I know this is far fetched.
When has the majority been in the wrong before?
That would never happen just like the people on the internet loosing all sense of perspective.
Still, theoretically, If one sincerely believes that they didn’t do anything wrong then
the best thing to do is to abandon one’s principles as soon as possible and grovel
like the spineless, greedy brand slave that they are!
Because an apology video isn’t about apologizing, but rather a stopgap public relations measure
to patch up the short term subscriber loss.
No one makes an apology video to defend their values, principles, morals, choices, or anything
else.
They are here to defend something far more important; the brand!
But uh, I really do sincerely feel bad for whatever horrible thing I did to merit making
an apology video.
I am so so sorry.
I promise to do better.
I swear to you from the bottom of my heart that from this moment on, I will not be greedy,
petty, or self serving.
That I truly have changed into someone who is authentic and honest.
I would never cynically use an apology video to push my brand because I am above that.
Because I have apologized.
So don’t forget to check out my merch.
Also be sure to like and subscribe!
Ring that notification button!
Should I have spaced those out more?