-♪ "Mad Lib Theater," uh-huh ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Dramatic music plays ]
[ Light laughter ]
-Good evening... my little cookie.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughing ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Chuckles ]
-Special Director Pollywog... [ Laughter ]
...it's good to see you again.
-I'm here with your next mission.
A criminal organization of the world's
most amazing sanitation engineers
hacked into the government's Walkman,
stealing their top-secret report on vintage sneakers.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Laughter ]
-Come here, darling.
[ Laughter ]
-I understand your reaction.
The group also kidnapped your Aunt Ingrid
and is holding her for a ransom of 1,000,256 sofas.
[ Laughter ]
-Where the doodie-head are we gonna get 1,000,256 sofas?
-I don't know, but we have to move fast.
-I have a plan.
I'll meet up with the group, disguising as myself --
disguising myself as Huckleberry Finn.
Jesus...
[ Laughter ]
-So far -- So far, I'm on board.
-If they attack, I'll fight back with a knife.
[ Laughter ]
-Great.
This disk contains sensitive information that might help.
-What's on this disk?
-Seven photos of Ingrid Bergman running.
[ Laughter ]
-Come here, darling.
[ Laughter ]
I've already contacted my team of highly humongous lemmings...
[ Laughter ] ...to help.
-You're the best agent we have.
How do you prepare for such tense missions?
-By waking up every morning, going up on the roof,
and kissing
and by repeating my own personal mantra --
"Poopy-di-scoop, poopy-di-scoop."
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
-[ Laughs ]
And scene!
[ Applause ]
[ Soft, dramatic music plays ]
[ Light laughter ]
-I'm Christian Grey. [ Laughter ]
-I'm Anastasia Barf-barf.
[ Laughter ] [ Chuckles ]
-Let's make this quick. I only have...two weeks.
[ Laughter ]
-[ Clears throat ]
Um, this interview is for
the special Independence Day issue
of the student newspaper. -Mm-hmm.
-You are very psychedelic to have amassed such an empire.
To what do you owe your success?
-By following the same routine every morning --
waking up, brushing my teeth.
and then... [ Laughter ]
...pinching at the gym. [ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
-[ Laughs ]
Hmm. -Ooh.
-Your company is involved primarily
in agricultural projects, feeding the world's penguins.
[ Laughter ]
What's... [ Laughs ]
With that kind of passion, I wonder if your knee
might be... [ Laughs ]
[ Laughter ]
-What's that? [ Laughter ]
Did you remember an old joke or something?
[ Laughter ]
-I wonder if your knee might be bigger than you let on.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughs ]
-[ Chuckles ]
Some -- Some people say I don't have a knee at all.
[ Laughter ] -Thank you.
-I did some research on you, and I see that you're unmarried
[Clears throat] and that you were adopted at age 49.
[ Laughter ]
-A late adoption. That's why.
♪♪
You intrigue me, Ms. Barf-barf.
[ Laughter ]
And so when someone... [ Laughter ]
When someone intrigues... [ Laughter ]
...I tickle excessively.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Both laugh ]
-My sock is sweating.
[ Laughter ]
-Whew.
-[ Laughs ]
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
-What are your plans after you graduate?
-I was planning on moving to Detroit with Beyoncé.
[ Laughter ]
-The best part about having success is getting
to give students like you my favorite piece of advice.
Baby, come back.
[ Laughter ]
-When I'm around you,
I feel like a Zamboni driver at a funeral.
[ Laughter ]
You know? [ Chuckles ]
-I've heard that before. -[ Chuckles ]
-Well, I hope you got everything you need.
-I did. I did.
And whenever I have a great interview,
I do my favorite dance, called the hairless sausage.
[ Laughter ]
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
♪♪
-Dang!
[ Cheers and applause ] And scene!
[ Soft, dramatic music plays ]
♪♪
-[ Laughs ]
This really is... [ Both laugh ]
Really is a beautiful day to go, uh, apple picking.
This is the most fun I've had in 6,000 years.
[ Laughter ]
-Listen, Donald,
I-I've been thinking, and we need to talk.
-What is it, Fuzzy?
[ Laughter ] -Hmm.
What I'm about to say might be stinky to hear,
but here it goes.
I think we should break up.
-I hate candy!
[ Laughter ]
-I'm so sorry.
We've -- We've shared so much
over the past 17 weeks,
but...last call.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
-That's cold. -[ Chuckles ]
-How long have you been feeling this way?
-[ Laughing ] Since the Revolutionary War.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-I can't believe this.
Is this because of my slimy knees?
[ Laughter ]
-No, no, it's not. We're just --
We're just really different people.
Um, I was brought up by two scuba divers.
-Yeah. [ Laughter ]
-And you were raised by llamas? [ Laughter ]
I enjoy -- -[ Spitting ]
-I enjoy going out, and come home every night
to find you ghosting on the couch,
watching YouTube videos
of Kim Kardashian eating bananas.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-[ Chuckles ] I understand.
Well, I have something to tell you, too,
that's not easy to admit.
I've been cheating on you with Rachel from "Friends."
[ Laughter ]
-You couldn't carry a blank strap!
[ Laughter ]
-You -- You suck at "Fortnite"!
[ Laughter ]
-Well, you cook -- you look like a Cheeto!
[ Laughter ]
I'm taking the chairs and moving out.
-Hey, hey, please -- please don't flush.
[ Laughter ]
It's a term that my llama parents used to say.
[ Laughter ]
I hate seeing you do that. So have a seat here.
I'm sorry things didn't work out.
-I am, too.
I -- I'll... [ Chuckles ]
[ Laughter ]
I'll... [ Laughter ]
I'll -- I'll always have a special place for you
in my butt. [ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Laughs ]
[ Cheers and applause continue ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Clears throat ]
-It's during... [ Laughs ]
[ Laughter ]
It's during times like this,
I like for us to recite our favorite love quotes.
[ Chuckles ] -[ Chuckles ]
-"You got to fart like Mickey Mouse is watching."
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
"And you got to love like there's nobody sniffing."
And scene.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Bell dings ]
-Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome aboard
Aah! Airlines Flight 8072,
with nonstop service to Narnia.
I'm -- I'm Ron Googly.
[ Laughter ]
-And I'm Miss [Imitates static].
-And I am Mark,
but you can call me Chuck Joerger.
[ Laughter ]
Now, we do apologize for the 14 nanoseconds' delay,
because we are stalled
because Gila monsters are farting on the runway.
[ Laughter ]
-Before we depart on this flight,
we ask you to pay attention
to this quickly. safety announcement.
-Ensure all your mobile devices, including smartphones, tablets,
and MRIs... [ Laughter ]
...are turned off and stowed.
If we see you using one,
we'll kindly come up and say, "It's mariachi night."
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ] -You're welcome.
There are 12 1/2 exits on this plane.
-The half one is the hidden one. [ Laughter ]
You got to find that one. That's the good one.
-Please take a moment to look around
and find the nearest Chili's. [ Laughter ]
In the event of a SantaCon,
a dirty underwear will drop down from your seat above.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-You might want to pull it down and kind of deal with it.
-If you have a child, put it over the child.
You know, the child first, then you, yeah.
-Ladies and gentlemen, our in-flight entertainment today
is a YouTube clip of Awkwafina's video from "My Vag."
[ Laughter and applause ]
And also a bonus documentary
about Awkwafina learning how to run.
-Oh, I've seen that. That's good.
-So good. -If you have any questions,
like, "How long will it take to get to the airport?"
don't hesitate to ask
by raising your belly button and waving it.
-Now, this holiday season,
we at Aah! Airline
hope you get to be in "Star Wars."
-We also wish you get to be in "Star Wars."
Did you say that? -I just said that.
-I think we both said the same thing.
-Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you for flying with Aah! Airlines.
And on behalf of Captain Little Steve
and all of us...
-Wanna make whoopee?
[ Cheers and applause ] -And scene!
[ Soft music plays ]
-[ Sighing ] Oh. Sure having a great night.
This is a great, great time on this date tonight, Popeye.
[ Laughter ]
-I'm having fun as well, Pinto. -[ Chuckling ] Oh.
-Did you enjoy your lamb shank? -Yes, I did.
-Great. So, uh, tell me a little bit about yourself.
-Oh, okay. So...
Um, I grew up in a small town in Greece,
um, for kayaking. -Yeah.
-And, um, but I hated it.
Most people do.
Which is why you don't hear about that a lot.
And then I just decided to pack up and buy a Vespa
and just move to Bob's Big Boy.
-Right. [ Laughter ]
That's where my grandma, Auntie Pete Seeger, lives.
[ Laughter ] -[ Gasps ]
-Grandma Auntie lives at Bob's Big Boy, yeah.
-Oh, my God. -Yeah.
-I should... [ Laughter ]
I should've washed my hair. -Yeah. Right.
[ Laughter ]
-Well -- Well, how about you, Popeye?
What do you do for a living?
-I'm a very successful astronaut.
-Oh. [ Laughter ]
-But my real passion is digging. [ Laughter ]
Give me a spoon, and put me out in the backyard.
-My God. Why, Popeye,
that's my favorite activity, too.
-Well, what do you like to do for fun?
-I just said I like digging. -Yeah, I was listening, yeah.
-Well, I, um... -What else?
-I enjoy collecting bikinis. -Oh, yeah?
-I think you know what that means.
And taking long walks to France. -Is that right?
It's a lot of steps on your Fitbit.
Uh... [ Laughter ]
Listen, Pinto, there's something I have to tell you.
-Can we eat our bread, already? -Oh, yeah.
We're done with dinner. -Oh, we're done?
-We're finished with dinner. Yes, it's the end.
-Yes, I said that earlier. -Check, please.
I'm getting the check, but it's going well.
I have something to tell you.
-Okay. God, I'm nervous. What is it?
-Okay. [ Clears throat ]
[ Sighs ] Here goes nothing.
[ Chuckles ] -Yeah?
-I live with 52 untrustworthy rhinos.
[ Laughter ]
-Oh, [Bleep].
[ Laughter ] Aw, dagnabbit.
-I -- I understand your reaction.
A lot of people respond that way.
-No, no, I'm just I'm just glad you're being honest.
You know, I really like you, Popeye.
-Yeah. [ Laughter ]
-It's not just 'cause you have nice ears.
[ Laughter ]
-This feels right. -Yeah.
Hey, listen, Valentine's Day is almost here.
Do you mind if I -- if I recite my favorite Valentine's poem?
-Oh, my goodness. I'd love to hear you, yeah.
-Thank you. Okay. -Are you gonna stand up?
-I'm gonna stand up and face you.
I hope the other diners don't mind.
-I'm happy there's no one else at the restaurant.
Picked the greatest -- [ Laughter ]
I don't know how we got a reservation here, yeah.
-Um... -Oh, yeah, so, the...
-Okay. [ Soft music plays ]
"Roses are flashy,
violets are spies,
deodorant is sweet,
and so are eyes."
[ Laughter ] -That is beautiful!
[ Cheers and applause ] And scene. Here we go.